FOR MY BOY-
1. Never ask a woman if she is pregnant. Even if she is in the middle of labour screaming in agony, NEVER is a good time. Wait until someone else asks the question, for someone will and then the coast is clear. And you can laugh at the guy who walks away, because it will be a man.
2. If a lady asks you whether the outfit she is trying on makes her look fat, beware. IT. IS. A. TRAP. Just say no. Even if it makes her look like a beached orca, just shut up. And don’t try and be funny and say something like “No honey, it is the food you eat that makes you look fat.” (Man brushes cheek.)
3. If you take a lady out to dinner and she ordered food that is slightly more expensive than you anticipated, do not ask her is she would like dessert. You will end up washing the dishes, my friend. Woman can still make chocolate cake dissapear after a five course meal. It is their gift.
4. If a guy walks into the room with short hair, after looking like a bum the previous time you saw him, don’t ask if he had his hair cut. If it is that obvious for you to notice, then the question derserves a smack on the head. Besides men don’t discuss each other’s hair, period. Just accept the fact that you might get the following reply:
“No, my hair decided to grow in the opposite direction; just to get away from idiots such as yourself.”
5. The question beckons: Should one marry for beauty, love or money? All three my son, all three.
FOR MY GIRL-
1. While your man is watching any kind of sport or an action movie, any question will be a stupid one. You might be lucky and get a gruff.
2. Men like beer. If you don’t want him to have another never ask whether they would like another one. You WILL get the look.
3. When the game is finished and most of the people your husband/father invited looks a but under the weather know this. Our team lost. To even comment on this situation could be fatal. Please don’t ask who won, and more importantly do NOT sympathise with anyone in the room. I am not fearing for your life, as we respect woman, but when you see grown men suddenly sob uncontrollably, it something your mind will never be able to ‘unsee’. Just take my word on it.
4. When you’re at a wedding and the father cries, don’t bother asking why. One day when you’re heart is stolen by some prick in a suit and he takes you away from me, you’ll know why. And just to be clear…No one will ever be good enough.
FOR THE REST-
1. When a person walks into the house with a scarf, thick jacket and a beanie and he is blue around the edges of his mouth, why ask “Is is cold outside?” No, what do you think, the guy was trying to see how many pieces of clothing can fit on the human body?
2. When you phone someone on the landline at their home or office never ask “Oh, are you in?” or “Are you at home?” No, I programmed the fridge and laptop to mimic my voice and answer the phone.
3. When a person arrives after an eight hour flight do not ask “Did you have a good trip?” There is no such thing. Waiting in line through customs, stripping for security, waiting in the airport lounge and boarding are just some of the pleasures you can encounter during air travel. The best part is sitting beside a total stranger, constantly brushing their arm on the narrow arm rest. It is all fun, and I don’t mind flying! O and then you might find a blabber. Someone who thinks is their duty to maintain conversation to shorten the trip. You cannot shorten an eight hour flight…
4. If a person has earphones on whilst travelling, it is an indication that he wishes not to communicate. Thus no question is the only good one.
5. If a person tells you that he/she lives in South Africa, don’t ask “So where is that exactly?” Pause..Think.. the answer is in the name.
6. When you as a shop attendant have been called over the intercom system to come and assist a customer in the paint section, and you finally decided it to be worthwhile to come creeping out of which ever hole you were hiding in, and you see me standing around at the paint section, looking highly irritable, don’t please don’t ask: “Have you been helped sir?” For it you do, and this is a fair warning, I will re-arrange that smug look of yours with the nearest paint tray I might find, and being where I am, you better run.
7. When I’m sitting alone in a movie theatre and you see a handbag on the seat next to me, maybe you should throw caution into the wind, use one of the two brain cells you have working and contemplate the rational of asking: “Is this seat taken?” For if I don’t look like Mr Fantastic, or use the words fantastic in a camp way, then you should deduct the handbag does not belong to me and I’m not on a date with the Invisible Woman. My wife went for a wee-wee. Anything else? Or do you just need a slap in the face?