I’ve been tweeting

A love to laugh as much as anyone who isn’t walking around with a stick up their arse.  (Ass for my American speaking friends and buttocks for the rest of you.)  Just because I can.Prentresultaat vir twitter

So some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been lately and I’m grateful to be missed.  For those who haven’t even noticed my absence from this blog, please fake a feeling in order to spare mine…

Besides the fact that I was out of town, or more like out of the country, I was tweeting.  It’s my latest addiction and just to prove to all of you, that I’m not lying, I’ve decided to post fifteen of my Twitter-ations over here. Continue reading

I got my passport (and live tweeted through the torture!)

You’ve all read my emotional scarring episode when I wanted to collect my passport last week.  (Just a note, I know you didn’t all read it, I checked my stats.  Remember, Big Brother is watching.  All the time.) I have since faced my demons again and returned to the hall of terror twice.  I finally got my passport on the third try.  But it didn’t come cheap.  I’m still receiving hypnotherapy and electric shock treatment to try and forget the torture I had to endure.

Unfortunately I live tweeted my whole experience.  Now I will be able to relive those disturbing moments forever.  Or at least until the Internet is full or crashes, whichever comes first.  I decided to share my tweets with those of you who haven’t decided to follow me on Twitter.  Am I not the nicest guy?

Arrived and been in a queue for fifteen minutes. Nothing is happening… The twitch in my left eye is back.         4:00 PM – 14 Sep 2015

Good news! Four people helped in 20 minutes. Bad news… there is still eighteen people in front of me.      4:05 PM – 14 Sep 2015

Sitting in this queue makes me realize how serial killers are made.      4:11 PM – 14 Sep 2015

As a final note, I would like to thank Twitter for their platform, my mobile network reception and my smartphone’s battery for not dying on me.  The combination of these three little things kept me from going totally bonkers yesterday.  It could have been a massacre but alas, there is no blood spatter on my passport.

My new passport.

The best Father’s day gift EVER!

How many ties, socks, handkerchiefs, tools, coffee mugs and pieces of biltong does it take to make a Dad happy?  I say this because during this time of year, socks fly of the shelves like flowers in May or chocolates in February.  I’m left wondering how much money has been spend on arbitrary gifts since the inception of Father’s day?  I reckon if we could convert all those items back to cash and give it to me, I would be able to afford a yacht. And a continent.  Not that Fathers don’t appreciate all the mugs and socks and stuff we’ve received over the years.  We do.  We really do.  I especially like those years when I was allowed to pick the gift myself.

You can call me Mister Dad.

You can call me Mister Dad.

I like gifts, but sometimes Dads receive something priceless, something that redefines ‘the best gift ever’ without the giving kid being none the wiser as to what they’ve just done. Continue reading

How to gain more followers on Twitter. (If you’re not famous off course!)

This is going to blow your mind, especially as it is written by a person who has been tweeting for more than two years.  It’s written by a person who is extremely unknown, the opposite of a celebrity.  It’s a dad who has tried everything known to the human race to increase the people clicking the follow button on that god-forsaken-blue-bird-of-a-social-platform Twitter; except posting naked pictures of himself. (I know that’s never gonna work, I’ve seen myself naked.)

After countless trials and tribulations, not to mention the feelings of neglect and insecurity, I think I finally have it all worked out. I now have an impressive (and I don’t mean to brag) following of 40.  I must admit, I used to have 43, but my kids decided to unfollow me.  Yes, I know I only have two.  Weird. They are grounded. For life. Continue reading

I don’t care what you are having for breakfast or (Why I hate Facebook)

Call my old fashioned.

My father taught me that when you can’t say something nice about somebody else, shut up.  Do not post it on Facebook.

When I’m having a bad day, I keep a low profile.  People don’t like to watch other people mope.  It’s the same for people using the loo, if you need to, don’t bother telling others.  I just give myself a slap in the face as I have to get over it.  If that doesn’t work I’ll talk to someone to gain some perspective.  Not necessarily a shrink, for they are damn expensive and I have already used my annual limit.  I’ll just find a friendly ear.  I do not post it on Facebook.

I believe when two people are having a disagreement they should keep it in the ring.  There is no need to invite spectators, unless you are getting paid.  Maintain some discretion and act with decency.  Fight clean.  Resolve the matter face to face, and if you have to, go out and find a referee.  Find your friendly ear.  Do not post it on Facebook.

If you are in the middle of a horrible divorce or break-up and it feels like someone sliced your abdomen wide open, and all your intestines are lying splattered on the floor, peeling out and it hurts like hell and you hate everyone…  Don’t lash out like the wounded animal you are.  Wait.  Think of your kids, your friends, your family.   Think of how your actions will impact your support structure.  Find a friendly ear and do not post it on Facebook.

We don’t go around standing on street corners, screaming random hateful things at people.  We don’t ring a bell then shout every negative thing that pops into our head.  We don’t force strangers to be part of our problems, our concerns, our battles.  (And if we did, we’ll probably be removed from society, placed in a nice padded room with a warm long-sleeved jacket, and Nurse Ratchet to give you medication)  If it doesn’t make sense to share our private struggles with strangers and every other person, why oh why do some people do it on social media?  Facebook has a much larger public domain than any busy street corner!

How do we as a society teach our kids to be decent human beings, enable them to use social media responsibly when there are so many adults who can’t do the same?  Does the rules of watch what you say and having consideration for other people’s feelings and having empathy or courtesy not apply anymore?  Off course they do!

Doesn’t matter how enlightened we consider ourselves to be, there is no replacement for common decency, for using some discretion.  It doesn’t matter the medium.  Let’s employ some good old fashioned tact.

When you see someone struggling through the day, or battling to keep the load on their shoulders, help.  Be their friendly ear.  And once you have and the other person feels better, do not post it on Facebook.

And if you are having eggs for breakfast, enjoy it.  Don’t post.  I don’t care what you are having for breakfast, because I am having muesli.