All of me
I am Happy most of the time. And not just because I like wine. Drunky is not one of the dwarfs in the original story. At least not in the kid-friendly version.
(The adult version features Drunky, Depressed, Raunchy, Annoyed, Slutty, Daddy and Tyrone Lannister. Or so I’ve heard.)
Back to Happy. Continue reading
And that’s an unfathomable lie. I hate winter more than I hate Kanye West.
this is me, only colder.
Down here temperatures are dropping like Kim Kardashian’s clothes on Instagram. Trees are losing leaves faster than Taylor Swift loses boyfriends. Continue reading
After putting my own weird dream to screen, I realized that my own subconscious is trying to screw me over. I’m not really that weird or confused. Or am I? I decided to do some research.
And by research I mean activate Google. We all know the Internet is full of people who run sites and blogs where they post random, crazy, somewhat interesting and otherwise wonderful things for the rest of us to read. Unlike this page off course! This page complies to the highest standard of entertainment. So it should be no surprise that I found a site. And no it’s not that kind of site. Nor is it a Game of Thrones episode. Besides I’m so pissed off for them killing Jon Snow that I might never watch another episode again. Continue reading
I consider myself to be average. Definitely nothing as exotic as a spornosexual male. Just your pretty average middle-age kind of guy. Some might say I’m pretty AND average. But they would be wrong. I’m taller than a Hobbit, shorter than Groot. I have grey-blue eyes, short hair and a wannabe body. ‘Cause I wanna look like George Clooney. Oh yes and let’s not forget, I have the weirdest dreams.
Some of my dreams are truly extraordinary in that they don’t make any sense whatsoever. When I was younger I had cool dreams. Like the one where I was Indiana Jones or the one where I could fly. And let us not forget my evening with Jennifer Aniston. Wow. Now that I’m slightly older, it seems my dreams have given up on me. They are much less adventurous and much more confusing. I reckon my subconscious mind is pumping out random, weird shit in the hope that it might make me more interesting. Continue reading
“If you pay me, I’ll make you sweat.”
I was sitting at a machine where you attempt to increase the size of your biceps by lifting weights tied to a wire. It’s not a medieval torture device or a prop from Game Of Thrones, if you were wondering, it’s basic gym equipment. Biceps are muscles covered by a shirt, unseen throughout winter. Summer arrived in all it’s glory, which implies: Sun’s out, Guns out. (Thanks Channing Tatum) My own biceps are more like little, pearly-white revolvers, hence my need for growing them, so I can get them tanned. I know, it’s a process.
Next to me was a personal trainer. Or a sadist. Or a female version of the twisted sicko, idolised as Christian Grey. Any of these references would be accurate in describing those people with genetically gifted, perfect bodies who find some weird sense of achievement in causing extreme and long-lasting pain to people who has the genetic make-up of a whale or worse. These whales and other McDonald-eating victims are fooled into thinking that they can also achieve the body of a heroin-addict. Provided that they do everything that they’re told. And drink Diet coke. Like some cult in Utah. Continue reading
There are several detestable villains on Game of Thrones. George R Martin must have been in a very dark place, like an attic or something, when he conjured some of the characters, doing some of the most inhumane things to other characters. Slicing hands, dicing heads and so it goes. He provided fans with a heap of nightmarish images and a long list of things I could use as threats for the boys who’s going to date my daughter.
Like taking a man, strip him naked, nail him to the ground and allow eight hungry rats to slowly nibble on his tender bits until his white bones are left gleaming in the summer sun. Why eight? I don’t know.
Especially if that man is the traffic cop who pulled me over for speeding earlier today.
I can totally see myself going King Joffrey on his ass. Continue reading