My wife is a Princess too

It’s common knowledge that I refer to my daughter as Princess over here in the blogosphere.  Mainly because she is one.  My Princess.   (I’m hoping infidels are taking notes.)  If you were blissfully unaware of this Princess-reality, then I have only one thing to say to you:

Where the f*ck have you been for the last three years? Or rather…

Welcome to my blog, you wonderful person, you. I sincerely appreciate the time you are spending reading this thought provoking blog, where the troubles and struggles of parenting teens, being the best husband and coping with daily life are all hidden between gems of joy and laughter, sprinkled with attempts at humour.  Now if only you can press that little follow button in the panel on the right that would be super-dooper-sweet-sugar-coating-with-a-cherry-on-top-special!

Here’s the story of how I ended up with two Princesses in my house. Continue reading

This is a new one. The old wife was stolen.

Imbeciles.  Delinquents.  Degenerates. Despicables. Vermin. *Fu.. Assholes.  All words that accurately describe people who take what they want even if the thing they take doesn’t belong to them.  *Frigging thieves…

Have you seen me?

Have you seen me?

I became another statistic last week.  And here is the short version simply because I’m tired of telling the long one.  Five colleagues went on a business trip.  They stopped for lunch because I was hungry.  Some *lesser human jammed the car’s remote signal.  The five got back with their stomachs full and the car empty.  The car was missing two laptop bags. Continue reading

Secret revealed: Why Pixar opted for the mind of a girl in “Inside Out”.

The jumping desk light company, Pixar, just released their latest smash called Inside Out.  Even though it was edged out from the Box office’s #1 spot by that ginosaurus dinosaur movie it still racked up an amazing 90 million or so in its opening weekend.  I have not seen the movie, but with a 98% score on the Tomatometer, I definitely intend to.  I just need to take my kids with me otherwise I might look a bit suspect.  (Adult male alone in movie house whilst presumably watching animated movie?) Maybe if I leave me balaclava?

The premise of Inside Out is about the emotions running havoc in the mind of a little girl.  

This intrigued me and resulted in something I don’t do very often, as it’s way too exhausting. It made me think.  Why did the creators of the film decide to use the emotions of a little girl when there are a lot more options they could have explored? Continue reading

Mickey is Dead!

Jip, he's gone. Photo courtesy of the family as posted on www.blogs.disney.com

Jip, he’s gone.
Photo courtesy of the family as posted on http://www.blogs.disney.com

The stiff, cold body of Mickey Mouse was found swirling in a weir of a local swimming pool, early Saturday morning.  An expression of hopelessness was etched on the frozen features of his little mouse face. Silently telling a sad story of giving up.  This shocking discovery was made by Tweety, a close family friend who’s been actively pursuing all kinds of leads to try and find out what happened to the famous mouse, after his disappearance two weeks ago.

It seemed Mickey paid the ultimate price for choosing a life of crime. Continue reading

If Game of Thrones Were Drawn by Disney

I know I’ve posted already today, but this one is just to good not to pass on. As an avid fan of the show, I thought the two guys who did this, was spot on!

TwistedSifter

Brazilian artists Fernando Mendonça and Anderson Mahanski imagine what Game of Thrones characters would look like if they were drawn by Disney. While a partnership between the two brands is highly unlikely, it’s interesting that these cartoon character versions are unmistakably Disney-esque.

To see more, check out Combo Studio on Facebook.

1. Jon Snow and Ghost

if game of thrones were drawn by disney (1)

Artwork by Fernando Mendonça
deviantART | Combo Studio on Facebook

2. Bran Stark and Hodor

if game of thrones were drawn by disney (4)

Artwork by Fernando Mendonça
deviantART | Combo Studio on Facebook

3. Cersei Lannister

if game of thrones were drawn by disney (2)

4. Daenerys Targaryen

if game of thrones were drawn by disney (5)

Artwork by Anderson Mahanski
deviantART | Combo Studio on Facebook

5. Tyrion Lannister

if game of thrones were drawn by disney (3)

Artwork by Fernando Mendonça
deviantART | Combo Studio on Facebook

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Why alcohol is like gummi-berry juice.

Remember this?  If you don’t, then The Bangles is probably a reference to jewellery, MacGyver is a miss-pronunciation of McGruber and Mr T is NOT a member of the A-Team.

However, once upon a time, when kids were still kids and sex and drugs only belonged to the Hippies, Tramps and Heavy Metal Bands, all those innocent eyes were glued to this Disney series.  Eagerly anticipating the weekly, random adventures of Gummi, Gruffy, Sunny and Co.  What made it such a great show, was the fact that, with the help of a little gummi-berry juice, these bears became even greater versions of themselves.  Semi-super-heroes.  This enabled them to outwit, or technically out-jump, all those stupid, awful trolls, who shared the forest they lived in.  And then, if you’re not hooked already, the few humans who were fortunate enough to share in the sweet taste of the gummi-berry juice, gained super strength.  Yes, it was that awesome…

What is a little known fact is that the creators of this series, got the idea after attending a frat party.  They were seeing all the students bouncing around from having a beer or a glass of wine or both or several and then, WA-LAH, the Gummy-Bears were born.  We all know that most alcoholic beverages has the potential to create enhanced versions of ourselves, whilst serving the dual purpose of dulling the boredom of modern day life.  And people.  But just like the gummy-berry juice, once the user has too much of the al-co-hol,  there will always be disastrous consequences.

Our subconscious minds are programmed, believe it or not, to do its utmost preventing us from making a total ass of ourselves.  It’s a built in form of self-preservation.  Unfortunately alcohol doesn’t help this cause.  At some point al-co-hol becomes the formaldehyde cloth over your mind, forcing your inhibition and brain into a comatose state.  And in most cases, just before it’s lights out, your brain will have a final attempt at screaming the warning of “DON’T HAVE ANOTHER ONE!”, which will be ignored by two out of three sane, contributing members of society. And then all hell will break lose.

When you hear that final scream echoing through your slightly intoxicated state, remember that one jug of gummi-berry juice too many, might imply the difference between:

  1. A happy, bouncing, funny individual or a clumsy, stumbling, sad little idiot.
  2. A party-animal everyone loves or an animal that ruined the party for everyone.
  3. A thought provoking philosopher or an annoying, mumbling fool.
  4. A romantic Don Juan or a flaccid, crying baby.
  5. An awe-inspiring night with the hot chick or waking up next to Joan Rivers.
  6. Having an opinion about work collegues or telling your boss to fuck off and take his job with him.
  7. Joking and laughing about the 20 bucks you lost to the one-armed bandit or explaining to your wife why you lost the house in a game of poker.
  8. Cracking a joke with the bouncer about his big biceps or lying in hospital because of his big biceps.
  9. Being an excellent dancer or lying flat-faced on the concrete floor, wondering how the hell you got there.
  10. Waking up with a light buzz and some bags under your eyes or wondering what you said to Thor that made him use his hammer on your head.  Seventeen times.
  11. Waking up feeling like you’re about to die or waking up wishing for it too actually happen.
  12. Waking up, smiling at some of the crazy things you did the night before or waking up with a tiger in your hotel room and an ugly tattoo on your face.

So next time you attend a function in the presence of gummy-berry juice, it might be wise to establish some internal locus of control, thereby preventing you from going back the next day, apologizing to the host for the couch in his pool and collecting the kids you forgot.

For alcohol is an evil ogre.  Whilst you handle it with respect; nothing happens and both of you will stand, laughing, leaning on one another having a jolly good time.  But as soon as you start slinging abuse and showing obvious disrespect, well, that is when the same ogre will take your bottom jaw, pull it over your nose and blow so much air up your ass, you’ll be floating away just like that poor frog in Shrek.

Just saying.  And now we have no more excuses.

Disclaimer:
The writer has no personal experience in any of the adverse effects of alcohol, and only writes his theories based on research.  Well unless you exclude the face-plant episode and the mumbling fool and the…

How to be a Perfect Father. The aftermath

(I could have called this post “SAVED BY PIZZA”, but more on that later.)

We made it.  And it was done without any kicking, screaming, beating or one of us shivering in a corner with suicidal tendencies.  The angels my wife raised seems to portray the same remarkable qualities even without her presence.  She’s that good.  As a matter of fact, we actually set the bar quite high, and dare I say it was easy…

Son was a breeze, evidence that men are uncomplicated beings.  Give a guy food, entertainment and a warm bed and Bob’s not just your uncle, Bob moves in and stays a while.

Princess was less than a breeze, evidence that woman are not like men.

I call her Princess as she embodies all of the Disney’s characters at some point during the day.  She has the strength and commitment of that redhead chick from Brave, the inquisitive mind of The Little Mermaid, the sense of duty of Beauty, not the Beast, the adventurous spirit of Princess Fiona and the stubbornness of Rapunzel.  But last night she exuded the sensitivity of the Princess and the Pea,  in other words a raging insomniac.

I tried to understand the intricate mind of a little girl who cannot sleep.  It took bucket loads of patience and wheelbarrows of sympathy to not show my frustration. She profusely rejected my theory that the pain she’s feeling, was actually only in her mind as a result of Mommy not being here.  Eventually I resorted to drugs.  Gave her some pain medication for the weird, stinging pain in her nether regions, as she diagnosed herself.  By 11 o’ clock Sandman finally won the battle and I’m grateful for I was about to turn into a pumpkin, already showing a little amber around the edges.

This morning went like a well oiled theme park ride.  Fun, fun , fun.  Everything was completed with ample time to spare.  We even sat around and watch who got kicked off Masterchef Australia.  Son stated the obvious, expressing his thoughts on why couldn’t it be like this every morning.  We normally run around like a family of headless chickens, and today, with Mom MIA, it went by uneventful.

Cheat food, in more ways than one. www.freedigitalphotos.net

Cheat food, in more ways than one.
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net

What he doesn’t know, is the one trade secret shared amongst all men who’s ever had to run the gauntlet of an evening without the wife: PIZZA.

Make sure you order enough so that the leftovers can be used for breakfast and school lunches the next day.  You’ll save hours of time and the kids will love you for it.  You can even watch a movie and have a glass of wine.  It’s that effective.

But kids, remember what we talked about last night: “Don’t tell Mom.”