The case of the missing teaspoons

I don’t know what’s up with our office kitchen but if the fridge is not a gestation chamber for toxic waste, then the teaspoons are eloping.

We are constantly having to stock up on teaspoons.  Like doughnuts at a police convention.  A lady in the office even started marking them with nail polish because that is what some women do when they want to secure their possessions from theft.  I’m not sure how it prevents the theft from actually taking place but who am I to judge what goes on in the mind of the female gender. It’s not like the nail polish is radioactive and can induce a coma on contact, it’s just red nail polish. Or maybe it’s rose pink.  Or it may even be dark coral.  No, I think it’s magenta.  Or you know what, it fuchsia, it’s definitely fuchsia.  Or… Just. Let. It. Go. Continue reading

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Something died in our office refrigerator

If you’re stuck working with people in the same office building and the company who you work for does not provide you with a cafeteria, where a person can escape the daily grind and have a freshly prepared lunch, then this post is for you.  To the rest of you spoiled brats, go ahead and mock us, the disadvantaged individuals.

We are condemned to a reality of having to pack our lunch.  To pre-prepare whatever we want to feed our face with, and bring it along to our place of torture. To satisfy the need to eat with hurried scraps because of the time restriction in the morning, due to you having to dress, shave and dump the used food you ate yesterday.  Not to mention the stuff you have to do to the kids to get them to school on time.  Wife has given up on packing my lunch because I am, in her words, “full of shit.”

This post is teetering in the wrong direction. Continue reading

Stop. Or not?

I went for a haircut.  It’s something I never take for granted because it’s one of the major perks of someone my age, still having hair, even if it’s grey.  I took a detour using a few side roads because I didn’t want to be confronted with reckless taxi drivers and spiteful traffic lights that seems to be on a permanent not-green setting every time I approach them.

The haircut went relatively uneventful, except for the fact that my hair was shorter when I left with four months worth of gel stuck on my head.  I avoid open flames when I leave the salon because some hair products are known to be flammable.  And that wouldn’t be funny, or it will, if it happened to someone else.  Besides I had to get back to work and they don’t consider “flame-head” as appropriate office attire.  My company is weird that way.  They also don’t like me drinking at work, so I do it before I get there. Continue reading

When did the 16-age restriction become porn?

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I’m not a prune.  I have used the f-bomb before.  Yes, even on this site.  I use shit often, at least once a day.  It’s a regular thing.  I’ll giggle at a dirty joke and if it’s really dark, I might even burst out of laughter and then cover my mouth in shame, especially if Wife’s around.  As a rule I tend to avoid r-rated stuff when I’m around my kids, because they’re a… you know, my kids. Continue reading

Braces off

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You should thank me for NOT posting some of the other images one gets when Googling “crooked teeth”.  Image courtesy of http://www.mydentail.ie

As parents we are very much aware of events in the lives of our children, especially when it comes to signs of them growing up.

We celebrate their first tooth, their first word and their first step.  We celebrate their first successful poop in a potty.  And then commence to change a thousand soiled underpants thereafter.  We celebrate their first day of kindergarten with tears of joy and their last day of high school with unattractive sobbing. Continue reading

When the fridge door falls off

Everyone has a bad day. I know, I might even be able to fill a book with them. Oh wait, I’m already doing it here.

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But there are normal bad days and then there are days when you stroll into the kitchen, half asleep and casually open the fridge and the whole damn door disconnects from its hinges and ends up on the floor.  Those are the days when you know it’s better to get back in bed and hide from the world.  Karma is finally coming for you in all her biaatchness for kicking kittens in a past life.  The rest of your day is going to be like sitting in a sauna in the steam of hell. With your fat uncle. Continue reading

Hey Captain Douche, excuse me, I’m flexing here.

With all the baffoons roaming the Serengeti of a gym, I’m surprised I’m still grazing there at all…

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In my time on this blog I’ve had moments of ranting about naked guys and nipple showings.  It wouldn’t surprise me if some of the wonderful readers of this blog are starting to think that I’m training at some R-rated fitness facility, as some of the instructors also shadow as ladies of the night… Continue reading