I almost got arrested for watching another man pee

I was in Brazil a couple of weeks ago and it wasn’t for the Olympic Games because doing nothing is not an Olympic event.  Yet.  I would qualify on the first try.  Probably end up with silver.

My colleague and I were attempting to return to the airport after the shortest time any two persons have ever spend in Sao Paulo.  The distance was a mere 25 km.  It took us about 1 hour and 47 minutes to cover half of it.  Then I stopped counting.  And it wasn’t just because of the traffic.

P wasn’t very talkative after the first half hour.  It’s nothing strange because men don’t speak as much as some other lovely creatures on the planet.  We actually appreciate moments of silence and they never become uncomfortable.  But this time he was kind of uncomfortable.  (Let’s call “he” P, shall we?)  I couldn’t really figure out why, until he asked the taxi driver to find a service station so he could relief himself.  It suddenly became very clear.  We’ve all been there, having an urgent, unplanned need to pee. Continue reading

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30 New things I learned in the US

A foot selfie

The list is in chronological order.

1. There are no queens walking the streets of Queens. At least not at seven in the morning.

2. A day in New York can become excrutiatingly long if your shadow is the only companion you have. *insert gesture of sympathy*

3. Some lawns in public parks can be closed by placing a simple little sign which everyone obeys. Amazing.

4. Don’t attempt converting dollars to your local currency when ordering steak. Or beer. You’ll end up only having one and require a second bond on your house to pay the bill. Continue reading

I’m going to Miami

And now you may thank me for having the Will Smith song stuck in your head.

This is not a mere coincidence. I’m actually going.  For real ya’all. I’m boarding a plane to cross the Atlantic, for the umpteenth time, and dropping down landing safely in the poster-city of all things American Summer.  Even though it seems most of the people over there don’t speak English.  Or American for that matter. I’m travelling for (and not in) business, but I do intend to sneak away and stick my weird looking toes in the sand of South beach.  I don’t know anything about Miami other than what I’ve seen in movies or in rap music video’s.  Based on this limited, one-sided portrayal of the city, you may rest assure that there are certain things I will NOT do whilst exposing myself.  To the sights and sounds of Miami. Continue reading

10 Things I learned in Brazil.

This seems a little more dramatic than it needs to be, as I was in Sao Paulo for one night only. And that is not a sold out Broadway show. Not yet anyhow.  It’s just me being wisk away across the Atlantic in a metal tube for one meeting and then flying back the next day.

But like anything in life there is always lessons to be learned.  Here goes.

  1. Your passport will be checked at least three times from the time you disembark up to an excluding customs. Maybe it’s my face. 
  2. No-one checked my yellow fever certificate which means my emcounter with a HUGE needle, in a smellly clinic, was all for nothing.
  3. Traffic is horrendous. People walk around with carts selling snacks, thus providing additonal things motorists have to avoid on a never moving freeway.
  4. Woman do not strut their stuff in g-strings like they do in all the travel brochures of Brazil. They do drive taxis though. But fully clothed.
  5. Public urination is frowned upon even though the canal smells like a urinal during the October fest. A cop will verbalise his disgust in Portuguese even if you have a medical condition and would die if you hold it for another second.
  6. People consume so much meat that if you dare to witness a full sitting, you are definately going to end up with a gout attack or something worse. It has to be a vegetarian’s worst nightmare.
  7. Some areas of the city has a putrid smell that can only be described as the underarm pit of a hoarder-cat-lady who belongs to a cult that considers personal hygiene a cardinal sin.
  8. Caparinho is a lemon-vodka based drink so sweet, it strips the fluoride from your teeth whilst attempting to finish it. It contains approximately 1,634,298 calories. Per sip.
  9. It takes a taxi one hour and forty five minutes to get from the hotel to the airport at the speed of a dying snail. I already mentioned the traffic didn’t I?
  10. And that’s all folks, it was a quick visit.

It happens to the best of us

I’m flying again. To Sao Paulo, Brazil.  Two nights.  One meeting.

There is no typos in that sentence. I promises.

On the connecting flight from Durban to Johannesburg I met two people because I was sandwich in the middle of them. A motivational speaker and a vegetarian.  She has 11 cats. I’m not sure how many cats he has because I didn’t ask.  We were both too involved in trying to understand the need for eleven cats. She wasn’t covered in bird poop so she wasn’t the bird-lady from Mary Poppins. She wasn’t crazy.  She ran a pet-sanctuary.  Did I mention she also has three dogs, a parrot, two tarantulas and a eighteen year-old son. I listed them in order of importance. Continue reading