I’m the love child of Groot and the Cookie Monster

I’m not kidding.  This is serious stuff.  I’m busy checking my family tree that seemed to be uprooted by the latest splurge of hurricanes ruining countries globally…

I’ve just arrived back from Argentina with a sinus infection so severe, I had to consider my last will and testament based on the lack of sympathy I received from my kids.  Based on their sensitive reaction to my condition they wouldn’t get anything from the minimal stuff I have to give them.  Wife was a bit more concerned, and only because I kept her up at night due to my consistent coughing from my annoying nazal drip. (Form a line ladies…)

It’s obvious that love means different things to different people.

Then it got worse.

My nazal drip, resulting from my sinus infection, resulted in a secondary infection of my throat.  This secondary infection caused my throat to feel like I came second in a hot pepper eating competition and more seriously, it affected my vocal cords.  I ended up with laryngitis, as per diagnosis of Dr Ah Dad.  And we all know how much he knows about medical conditions…

cookie groot

It all happened very suddenly.  The one moment I sounded all handsome and shit and then I went for a nap because that is the only thing middle-aged people can look forward to in life.  When I woke up, there was a slight croak in my voice, like it needed some oil.  Like most of my joints.  It did sound kind of sexy, even if only to me.

By the next day, the slight croak disappeared and I was able to produce sounds I never could before.  I was basically my own ventriloquist dummy because no-one I know would sit me on their lap and shove their arm up my ass.  It was so bad, I even took a sick-day.  What?  I almost died.  My condition was severe enough for me not to have one guilty feeling about spending most of the morning watching movies and scratching my ba…  Anyhow, by this time my voice was basically non-existent and I sounded like someone who has been smoking non-stop for three hundred years.

My ability to communicate was seriously jeopardized and that was torture enough as I rely on my voice to get people to like me.  And without my voice, I was just a piece of meat.  Albeit a grey-haired, kind-of-handsome, middle-aged, semi-dad-bodish piece of meat…

My voice deteriorated to the point where my lovely, sweet, supporting children were laughing every time I opened my mouth and released a grunt of some kind.  (Another reason why I completely understand why lions sometimes eat their young.)

Eventually Dude couldn’t keep it up anymore and proclaimed that I sounded like something that was a cross between The cookie monster and Groot.  And now two days later, I still sound like the lovechild of those two…hence me writing again…

I did get my revenge for being the laughing stock of my teenagers for the last couple of days by spending most of it replying to them with three small words:

“I am Groot.”

Especially when they asked me for money.

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