I don’t know what’s up with our office kitchen but if the fridge is not a gestation chamber for toxic waste, then the teaspoons are eloping.
We are constantly having to stock up on teaspoons. Like doughnuts at a police convention. A lady in the office even started marking them with nail polish because that is what some women do when they want to secure their possessions from theft. I’m not sure how it prevents the theft from actually taking place but who am I to judge what goes on in the mind of the female gender. It’s not like the nail polish is radioactive and can induce a coma on contact, it’s just red nail polish. Or maybe it’s rose pink. Or it may even be dark coral. No, I think it’s magenta. Or you know what, it fuchsia, it’s definitely fuchsia. Or… Just. Let. It. Go.
Any good detective, worth his acting career, will tell you that in order to progress with any investigation, one has to have at least one solid lead. And preferably not the metal type. Unless it’s the murder weapon. Or a stolen teaspoon. Which it wasn’t. The suspect in our ongoing investigation is the cleaning lady because she handles more teaspoons than any other person in our office. When we confronted her, she merely suggested that the office workers are eating the teaspoons. (And I’m not making this up.)
Based on her theory, most of us are suffering from a condition known as iron deficiency anemia. We’re basically minding our own business, pretending to work, focused on getting home, and in between all of that, some of us just gets an uncontrollable urge to randomly gobble down a teaspoon. And to set the record straight, I work for a chemical company, not a rehabilitation center for X-men. None of us have any super powers. Unless off course you count the fact that I can tell a co-worker to piss off and leave my office without saying a word, as a superpower. Then we have one.
I have my own theories as to why our teaspoons are disappearing at such an alarming rate. Here’s a few:
- They are sick of being stuck in a job that feels like a prison sentence and found a way to escape through the drain of the dishwasher, dig through sewage and found a happier life on an island somewhere off the coast of Mexico.
- One of the bigger spoons is a bachelor and he’s sending teaspoons home every week with a piece of food stuck to it, as he doesn’t like their spooning technique. He’s probably going to settle for the plastic spoon. They all do.
- The teaspoons have gone to Vegas with a few mates, drank too much and now they’re stuck on a roof of a hotel somewhere, suffering from the worst hangover in the history of cutlery. All because their mates forgot them there and are still frantically trying to figure out what happened the night before.
- They’re all on maternity leave and due to the aggressive campaign of some of the feminist cutlery, it has now been extended to three years for every little piece of food they can scoop out.
- The teaspoons have been taken hostage and somewhere there is a knife, hunting the gang, because he doesn’t have any money to pay a ransom. He does however, have a particular set of skills which he acquired over a very long career and turns him into a nightmare for people trying to eat soup with a fork.
- Some of the dishes ran away with some of the smaller spoons, as soon as they saw the cow jumped over the moon singing “Hey diddle diddle”.
- Aliens arrived on Independence day and abducted most of the teaspoons because they ran out of their actual probing equipment. The teaspoons will obviously never be the same again and no-one will believe their ordeal. So they prefer to stay in Upside Down. Stranger things have happened.
- The teaspoons went to Camp Crystal Bake where they all end up in the bottom of a bowl of dirty water or broken in half by Jason the Muffin Man, who is still trying to get over the loss of his gum drop button.
- They’ve been chased out of the kitchen by Kanye just as they started to thank a few people for cleaning them.
- The teaspoons have all been deported because they’re all made in Mexico and the wall has been built and paid for by a racist, self-centered, narcissistic fork and knife.
Or they’ve just got lost and found their way into the bags of the cleaning ladies who cart them little spoons from the coffee corner in our office to the kitchen sink and then every so often, not back again. It’s the latest fetish, “tantalizing teaspoon tampering” and it’s becoming very popular around our office.
The case of the missing teaspoons is an ongoing investigation and just like the Bermuda Triangle and Wife’s natural hair colour, it’s a mystery that might never be resolved. In the mean time we simply continue buying new teaspoons because the one thing I do know is that it is extremely painful to stir a cup of coffee with my finger.