I went for a haircut. It’s something I never take for granted because it’s one of the major perks of someone my age, still having hair, even if it’s grey. I took a detour using a few side roads because I didn’t want to be confronted with reckless taxi drivers and spiteful traffic lights that seems to be on a permanent not-green setting every time I approach them.
The haircut went relatively uneventful, except for the fact that my hair was shorter when I left with four months worth of gel stuck on my head. I avoid open flames when I leave the salon because some hair products are known to be flammable. And that wouldn’t be funny, or it will, if it happened to someone else. Besides I had to get back to work and they don’t consider “flame-head” as appropriate office attire. My company is weird that way. They also don’t like me drinking at work, so I do it before I get there.
On route to the office there is a stop sign in the middle of a side street where nothing doesn’t even bother going. I slowed down, checked for oncoming traffic because collisions are never as much fun as people make them out to be, and turned left.
The son of a bi-atch appeared from nowhere and jumped right in front of my car. I considered driving over him but realised there wouldn’t be a place to hide the body. Especially such a big body…Not to mention the damage to my SUV.
(For those of you who’ve never been pulled over by a cop, the closest way to describe it would be to imagine your nuts retracting into your throat and get stuck there. I also apologize in advance for not having a lady reference.)
I opened my window and tried my best to hide my “Oh shit” face. He informed me, in a very condescending tone, that I neglected to adhere to the stop sign. I wanted to tell him to piss off and die because the world would be a better place without him, but didn’t. I turned my head, looked back at the t-junction and faked a surprise Meryl Streep would never be able to do. I told him, I did in fact, stopped. He said I didn’t. I said I did.
He paused for a second and that was all I needed. I knew his confidence was threatened because my confidence stood up and Ninja kicked his confidence right in the throat. I actually heard a game narrator shout “K-OOoooooooo!”
I moved in for the kill. I kept the innocent facade and battered an eye-lid, maybe two. In that moment I would have flashed a boob, but didn’t have any with me at the time.
“I’m sure I did stop officer. I’m terribly sorry if I didn’t, it’s just been such a traumatic day.” I said in a voice that could melt cheese across the room.
“You didn’t stop”, he mumbled under his breath, taking a fleeting look back at the stop sign. “Can I check your driver’s license?”
“Yes, sure. Once again officer, I’m really sorry about the misunderstanding but I really do think I stopped.”
He checked the card halfheartedly, handed it back through the window and told me to be more careful in future.
I drove off very carefully and with as much composure I could muster, because I was still trying to get my nuts to return to the place God intended them to be.