In the wake of the astonishingly and somewhat surprising revelation that the US, and it’s little brother the UK, has imposed a ban on travelers who want to carry laptops, tablets, camera’s, vibrators, vacuum cleaners, boom boxes and other big electronic equipment on a plane, I instinctively knew I had to assist my fellow travelers. Especially those who travel on one of the eight airlines listed. Fortunately the Southern tip of Africa is as yet still protected from the wrath of the Oompa Loompa King.
I immediately rushed to the closest phone booth and changed into my alter ego, Mister Know-It-All. I was ready to fly off, faster than a speeding bullet and provide all my loyal followers with insight into handling this precarious position because no-one likes to leave their electronic partners at home.
So I’ve taken the liberty of listing a few things a person can do at an airport whilst waiting, without the luxury of having a laptop around.
- Follow random people around the airport like you’re an FBI agent tracking a suspect.
- Take as many selfies as you can with strangers sleeping. Try and beat your record every time you’re stranded.
- Stand in a corner with hat in hand and sing or rap or dance for cash.
- Buy a magazine and start swotting imaginary flies around the terminal.
- Buy a book and read it like some kind of savage from ancient times.
- Go into a sportsbar and start cheering for the other team.
- Send random sexts to people on your contact list.
- Mimic the action of random strangers.
- When you see a parent scolding their child, go and criticize their parenting skills.
- Shout “bomb” or “fire” and see if you can outrun everyone else in the ensuing dash.
- If you’re in a group stand in a circle and chant.
- If you’re with family discuss (very loudly) all the dirty laundry you might have between you.
- Start a fight with your spouse about the alien mistress you’ve had since the abduction last winter. If you’re alone, have the fight with your imaginary friend.
- Ask the person at the information counter for a massage and/or the closest place to donate sperm.
- Provide live commentary about the clothes that people are wearing whilst standing in line.
I’m convinced most of these things would help you pass the time but there is a risk of pissing off a few people, if you plan to commit to all of the activities listed above. Therefore I will write another post entitled “Things to do whilst incarcerated by airport police.”