Daughters are to fathers as…
That’s it. It’s the perfect analogy for there is nothing to compare the bond between them. It’s unique. A special relationship that evokes a primal urge to protect, nurture, cherish and love. Born from a look that’s filled with admiration, love, belonging and a knowing that he will protect her from anything and everything for the rest of her life.
Unfortunately every father will experience a dreadful day when their little Princess reference another male and gets that same look in her eyes…
It’s like giving birth for fathers. A cold blade piercing your soul. And it’s not that she doesn’t look at you in the same way, it’s just that you have an icy reminder that one of these years you will have to give her away to another man.
And that kind of hurts. And it’s scary.
Low and behold, the inevitable is happening. My contractions have begun. Princess has a crush. She claims friendship but I’ve never look at any of my friends the same way she looks at him. So just to be on the safe side, I felt it important to edit and publish my Guide for dating Princess. I trust he would be reading this…
Rule 1 – Whilst you’re in school, he’ll be in school. Preferably in the same grade, even though I realise that would be like expecting snow in December. (Maybe we could move up North?)
Rule 2 – He needs to be a gentleman. Open doors for you, treat you with respect, pay for the meal, carry your suitcase, mow our lawn, take out the garbage, wash my car, paint the porch…You know, all the important stuff.
Rule 3 – No tattoos. Or piercings. Or golden chains. Or loud music. Or vests. Or any idiot-like behavior. I don’t care if he is a wannabe rockstar with rebellious social tendencies. If he looks like a delinquent, he will be treated accordingly.
Rule 4 – If I can see his underwear because he wears his pants too low, he might as well turn around, unless off course he wants me to pull it up for him and then kick him on his arse. Wear a goddamn belt, they’re not that expensive.
Rule 5 – Dinner with me is compulsory, prior to any prospective date. (I’m getting heart palpitations over here!) Dinner will be him, my friend and I. There will be steak, which he will prepare, a bottle of wine, which I won’t share, and a lot of threatening. I forgot to mention my friend, but don’t worry he will be ready and loaded, lying on my lap, double-barrel and all. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Rule 6 – His hair must be kept clean, un-emo, un-funky and short. If he can grow a beard he shouldn’t even bother coming. Too old. And no baseball cap or beany. Because I said so.
Rule 7 – Another thing about the pants, I don’t wear skinny jeans so neither does he. See how that works? Also no slouching, cockiness or jokers allowed. Our house is not a Batman movie.
Rule 8 – I am to be called sir. Or Captain Dredd. Or the Soultaker. Whichever he feels more comfortable with. Warn him that we will never become friends, so they shouldn’t bother trying. I will treat him as the criminal he is for attempting to steal my little girl’s heart.
Rule 9 – I will judge/approve any outfit you may wish to wear on any of your prospective dates. My approval will be based on one simple criteria: “How difficult would it be to remove said piece of clothing.” To avoid frustration for returning to your room often, visualize Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act. That includes pool parties in summer. O-kay fine, I’ll also accept a burka.
Rule 1o – Touching and kissing is strictly prohibited and punishable by a slow, painful death. I know people who know people and that’s all you need to know.
If this crush turns out to be something serious, I trust he will make your heart soar and your eyes smile. He must love you for who you are, allow you to be yourself because you’re simply amazing. He will be a better person if he’s able to keep you in his life and I’m talking from experience here.
I pray that he will love you more than I do which is kind of impossible.
And if he breaks your heart, I am prepared to do jail time for murder. Just saying.