To everyone reading this, just bear with me for a second…
Kids, the reference to Audrey is a Venus fly trap with an insatiable hunger for blood as portrayed in the musical “Little Shop of Horrors.” And this was not posted from Wikipedia.
So consider yourself informed because that’s what Fathers do. Now let’s continue…
Audrey was dying until Seymour accidentally discovers the plant needs blood to survive. After that first feeding, the plant starts craving blood and demands more, even murdering a couple of people. The plant turned out to be an alien. Ooooops…Spoiler alert.
Much like the thing that lives in our house now.
Audrey has taken over the body of Dude. And lets be honest, it’s a very handsome body. (No surprises there, the kid takes after his dad.)
The first clue to the presence of a floral body-snatcher was the growth spurts. Dude doubled his height over the last six months and are now also being harassed by housewives who want groceries from the top shelf in the supermarket. (I once spend so much time in the nappy isle, I completely missed my birthday.) His sudden growth is also evident in our clothing bill because child services will rock up at your house when you sent a naked kid to school. (I know that now.) Accompanied by his increased height, there’s also the constant need to be fed. Fortunately he hasn’t developed a taste for my life source, even though he is severely damaging my life savings.
The second clue was that after sixteen years of parenting, education and providing a loving environment, his total vocabulary has shrunk to a mere three words. I. Am. Hungry. In that order. And he eats everything! All. The. Time. Nothing is too good or too bad. Cereal, fruit, bread, glass, left-overs, chips, yogurt, cardboard, cheese, bubble gum, his sister’s chocolate, my missing slipper… Dude has actually perfected his three-word-expression to the point that it actually sounds like one word:
When Dude stumbles out of his bedroom with the most spectacular head of bed-hair ever seen on a human boy and I fake my chirpiness with a friendly greeting, he’ll grunt back:
When I arrive home from work and find him in front of the computer, because where else would you expect to find a teenage boy, and I fake interest in his game and ask him how his day was, he’ll smile and reply:
When I show him an attractive girl in the mall because I think it’s important that parents have some kind of say in how their grandparents are going to look one day, he’ll merely shrugs because he’s cool and says:
(all together now)
The third clue to the presence of an alien life form only became evident when Audrey evolved. It’s obvious that Dude’s limited vocabulary is moderately annoying. At certain stages it can become excruciatingly annoying. Audrey is wise enough to understand that asking for food is one thing but asking for food to the point of parents shutting down and purposefully ignoring you; is quite detrimental to receiving a meal. So instead Audrey makes Dude hang around his parents while they are in the kitchen and dish out hugs and compliments and love you’s to the point of it becoming awkward. We are parents which implies we’re not stupid, so we know it’s only to soften us up, preparing the ground for the inevitable Imungry-bomb.
Even though Audrey took over our son, I have to admit that until such time that he has to move out and fly off into space to make out with other aliens, leaving us in a crying, weeping mess (like the first ten minutes of Up!), we’ll be more than happy take ANY and ALL the hugs and compliments and love you’s we can get from him.
After which Wife will feed him with a smile.