The newly weds.

I got a window seat because I love to fold my legs behind my ears in order to sit comfortably on a plane.  All the isle seats were taken and like every other flight I’ve taken in Australia, this one was packed too.  The couple took both seats next to mine.  Fortunately she chose the middle seat and being small and petite, I knew there wasn’t going to be a lot of in-flight wrestling about the arm rest.  That thing was mine, bitch!

They were attractive in an Abercrombie and Fitch kind of way.  All smug and groomed and pretty.  She wasn’t ugly either.  I have to admit, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them, as I was already halfway through Episode 5 of Stranger Things which, for those of you who is still living under a rock, is frigging awesome!  (You need to binge watch it today.  It will blow your mind and I want to adopt those kids.  Especially the chubby one.)  Geeks have never been so cool.  Well, present company excluded, off course.

Back to the couple.  Once we reached cruising altitude, I ignored the discomfort of the person behind me and moved my seat back as far as it could go, which was maybe one inch.  I got ready for some upside down me time. Only to have the rock on her finger blind me. I closed the window shutter and had to wait three minutes for my normal vision to return again.  It must have been a forty carat ring, and most probably fake.

Then I started noticing other things.  She was playing with her I-phone and not so much playing, as sliding through a thousand photos of her in a white wedding dress, keeping the phone at an angle so I could share in all of her glorious poses.  There was also excessive touching and smiling and cuddling and happiness that made me puke a little in my mouth. They should get a room, me thinks.  And then it hit me, newlyweds…

Like all newlyweds, she basically begged me to asked her about the wedding.  And being the kindhearted, courteous, friendly man that I am, I didn’t bother.

I also understood why she was so small, she was merely malnourished in order to fit into that damn dress. It’s probably also the reason why the dude had such a perfectly groomed beard. Damn show off. You have facial hair, I get it.

I got back to upside down and government conspiracies.

Moments later I felt a little pat on my shoulder, like a fairy farting in close proximity and low and behold it was the bride.  She nudged my attention towards an angry looking air hostess who was trying to get my attention. I was instructed to:

  • Switch off my laptop.
  • Place said item in overhead locker.
  • Open the window shutter.
  • Fold back my tray table and
  • Put my seat in the upright position in preparation for the landing.

For those of you who have not flown before, that is basically everything one has to do as a passenger on a descending plane of which I was blissfully unaware.  The show is that good!

I smiled sheepishly at the couple, blaming my lack of compliance to the captain’s instruction on Stranger Things. She suddenly became even more excited and as it turns out, she’s also a huge fan.  Of the show.  Not of me.  I’m not that famous.

Knowing she was a geek in the body of a Victoria Secret’s model, I asked her about the wedding.  She started babbling and I immediately regretted my decision to ask her in the first place.  They got married on the Saturday and were on their way to their honeymoon somewhere in the gold coast and blah…blah…blah.

I missed most of it and when she eventually came up for air, I bragged about the fact that I’ve been happily married for 20 years.  They seemed genuinely impressed.  I’m not sure why. I’m no model but I’m certainly pretty enough to find a wife, and more importantly, keep one.  Besides, I’ve been told I have a great personality that hides most of the awkward features of my face.

Maybe it’s because I look younger than I am and they couldn’t comprehend how a dashing young man like myself could be married for so long… I’m sticking with that.

I should have told them about my two teenage kids, as that would have certainly caused a minor explosion of their minds.  But they were already rushing off, hand in hand, or shall I say shoulder-in-shoulder to their next destination.  Not a care in the world. Wait till you have kids, I thought.

I’m kidding off course…Kids are a real blessing and they’re lovable and cute, especially when they’re sleeping.

Jokes aside, I love the institution of marriage, the public declaration a couple make proclaiming love and a life long commitment to one another. I can only hope that they end up half as happy as I am in my marriage, but seeing that he isn’t married to the angel I am, I doubt that very much…

And I really, really miss her, right about now…

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10 thoughts on “The newly weds.

  1. Laughing all the way through this post, imagining this little newlywed desperately wanting to share her fairytale wedding, only to realize she is beside a passenger who isn’t the least bit interested. As an aside, the person in the middle seat gets dibs on the armrests, in my opinion. Window seat can lean on the wall, aisle seat gets to stick their legs out. I would seriously wrestle you for them! I am not kidding!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love this post and I loved Stranger Things. Me and husband watched it in two nights and then were borderline suicidal as we had nothing else to do.
    Very well written, and funny, especially the self depreciating bits.
    p.s. Hate newlyweds.

    Liked by 1 person

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