Yes I’m a member. Of a gym. Humans who obviously doesn’t have a life. Some might even say I belong to a weird cult who gets up every morning and worship the gods of fitness by offerings of sweat and fat, generated by too much tofu, kale, tuna, brocolli and all other tasty treats. A sub-culture chasing an unattainable dream of creating better versions of ourselves, with an elusive six-pack tucked away under layers of desperation and vanity.
Or maybe we just prefer to be able to climb a flight of stairs or walk through an average sized mall without feeling like the oxygen supply to our lungs have been cut off permanently.
The truth is that I need this moderate commitment to fitness if only to prevent me from killing some of my coworkers with a stapler. Or a computer screen. Or my frigging SUV. It’s my therapy.
There are members of this society who is giving the rest of us a bad name. I have compiled a list of these idiots and hopefully one day when aliens decide to invade this destroyed blue ball we live on, they would proceed to vaporize the people on this list first. I’m convinced that the average intelligence coefficient of humanity will jump by at least 38 basis points, should that happen. Whilst we’re waiting to be saved by little green men, you can also use the list and play gym-bingo and I guarantee you will get every single one within an hour of walking into ANY gym. Or your money back.
1. The Vesters. The guys who wear sleeveless shirts in public. I also like to call them the I-am-vain-and-desperate-for-attention-shirts simply because most of the guys wearing them have guns exceeding a 20″ circumference which basically looks like Google Maps as the veins is popping everywhere. Much like the eruption of pimples sprayed over their backs, all as a result of excessive juicing. These guys will also provide you with the added bonus of showing at least one nipple at any given time during their session simply because it’s so manly.
2. The Flexers. The are very closely related to their inbred cousins the Vesters, but these guys have the added skill of being able to glare intensely at their own reflection, during the execution of a bicep curl. They will probably use that glare and kill you with it, if you try and ask them for one of the seventeen different pairs of weights they’re NOT using at any given time. Did I mention that leg-day is a cardinal sin to them? They prefer to execute their flexing between sets, when the posing, stretching and self-admiration reaches a sickening level, until it becomes too much and they reach a point where they need a room/stall for themselves. And some lotion. And a pair of tweezers.
3. The Clunkers. The guys who can’t control their weights and drop them on the floor without any consideration for the weak hearts of the mature people in the gym. Here’s a tip: If the weights are too heavy, go lighter asshat! I’m not sure if they weren’t suckled as babies or whether they’re just plain stupid. The weights doesn’t belong to you. It’s what capitalists call membership. Or shared custody. Please bear that in mind the next time you want to act like a tantrum throwing toddler in a toy shop. And if you don’t re-rack those weights, so help me… I will wait outside and beat the shit out of you. Or get someone who can, as I might be busy.
4. The Grunters. The guys who believe that they are able to enhance their efforts by vocalizing during a squat. It’s not working dude. You’re not a frigging superhero, so stop it. You’re also not competing for a gold medal in the Olympics, hence you have no excuse to act like a drunk frat boy. No-one cares what your voice sounds at five in the morning, especially considering you have the pitch of a canary on crack, due to that excessive juicing.
5. The Sweaters. I know it’s not their fault and I might be a little harsh but maybe they can be a tad more considerate and carry a few bottles of deodorant, air spray and bleach with them when they plan to run/row/cycle to nowhere for three hours non-stop. Their body odour causes flowers to wilt and die. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It was a sad day. Zombies will actually flock to the gym as a result of you leaving the stench of death in your wake. Maybe you should wear a sign to warn the rest of us to stay clear? Just an idea.
6. The Cardioshians. These are ladies who take the time and put on make-up before they engage in strenuous exercise. Before they create an illusion of exercise by clogging up the cardio-machines. Most of them will be wearing gym gear that fit so tight it prohibits normal breathing, resulting in lower levels of brain functioning. They will openly gawk at the Vesters and the Clunkers, smacking their lips in anticipation of fulfilling some twisted carnal desire. They tend to ignore the obvious absence of brain function in their male counterparts and normally end up being disappointed by the size too.
7. The Perverts. They are basically the masculine form of #6. Only worse. They normally select a bike behind an innocent female and just sit there and drool, thinking all things utterly disgusting and distasteful. Like sticking their tongue down…never mind. The evolved pervert will even go as far as to sign up for an all girl aerobics class, just so he might catch a glimpse of a few of them jump and jiggle. It’s done without any reservation because a gym seems to remove any degree of normal, ethical and non-sexist behavior. It remains a huge embarrassment for any decent man, especially a father who realise that his daughter will have to deal with assholes like these in her life. I am tempted to take the barbell I’m using and smack him right across his smug looking face with it.
I didn’t but I do call “BINGO!”