30 New things I learned in the US

A foot selfie

The list is in chronological order.

1. There are no queens walking the streets of Queens. At least not at seven in the morning.

2. A day in New York can become excrutiatingly long if your shadow is the only companion you have. *insert gesture of sympathy*

3. Some lawns in public parks can be closed by placing a simple little sign which everyone obeys. Amazing.

4. Don’t attempt converting dollars to your local currency when ordering steak. Or beer. You’ll end up only having one and require a second bond on your house to pay the bill.

5. When you request a table in front of the stage at Gotham Comedy Club and end up having a sense of humour failure because you lost your job or your boyfriend or you’re just being a dick(tress), don’t be surprised when the comedian will pick on you. Severely.

6. I seem to look exactly like some famous American baseball player, as per drunk homeless man.

7. North New Jersey is the embroidary capital of the world since 1872. You heard it here first.

8. Taxi drivers of New York come from everywhere, except New York. I actually knew this. And taxis still have a weird smell.

9. Curb site check-in is an actual thing.

10. Hollywood has it wrong. There is no way you can chase after a girl when she’s leaving on a plane and you want to make an elaborate proclamation of love at the gate she is boarding. Security queues are simply too long. And slow moving.

11. I received a glass of wine for free because it’s my birthday. Even though I was born in January. Thanks #AmericanAirlines.

12. The humidity of Miami will bitch slap you in the face and make you sweat instantaneously.  And we all know extremely attractive = an out of breath, sweaty, middle-aged man.

13. A guy casually cycling down Ocean drive with a lemur on his shoulder is not weird at all. At least not by comparison to some of the other sights you will see in South Beach.

14. There is a very good reason why some cocktails are named “What the f…” They shouldn’t be consumed on an empty stomach. Or when you’re sober.

15. Not everyone walking around South beach are built like a cover model for Men’s Health or Vogue. Some should actually be covered at all times. #putthatthingawayiameatinghere.

16. A thong is considered casual wear by some ladies (and a few men) strolling around South Beach.

17. When you see a bunch of guys sitting around a bar in Miami, do  NOT assume it’s a bachelors party. Especially when the girl dancing on the sidewalk is not female.

18. There are shops where you scan and pay for your goods without any interference by a human. In South Africa it would end up being theft.

19. Nothing beats a cold beer on the balcony of a penthouse overlooking the beach. That’s how I roll. Or more accurately, I know people.

20. I’m enough of a man to change the batteries of all three smoke alarms. With my shirt on, off course, as I wasn’t cleaning the pool.

21. Planes are pulling big bannered invitations for a fun session of shooting machine guns. And yes, in case you were wondering, the girl holding the gun is wearing a bikini.

22. Pelicans are real.

23.If you pour Beer into a water bottle it becomes a non-alcoholic beverage, as per restriction on  North beach. Apple juice anyone?

24. Spending an evening with three Spanish speaking college friends is exactly the same as spending a night on your own, especially if you’re not able to speak the language spoken by everyone else in Miami.

25. Peruvian food is not as bad as it sounds. Ordering the food at 11:34 PM, is.

26. The fact that I’m in a radically different time zone still doesn’t make me a morning person.

27. Some Uber drivers will discuss topics ranging from vertigo, to how much money they earn, to having sex after childbirth, in a space of 20 minutes on route to the airport.

28. It takes me longer to pee than going through check-in procedures at the Cleveland airport. It just so damn efficient.

29. A cancelled flight is the worst thing that can happen to any business traveller. Okay fine, maybe catching Ebola would be worse. And just for the record, it’s the second time Mother Nature caused havoc in my travel plans over here.

30. You don’t need to clear customs on the way out. I’m surprised every time.

I’m so happy to be home on African soil.

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