And now you may thank me for having the Will Smith song stuck in your head.
This is not a mere coincidence. I’m actually going. For real ya’all. I’m boarding a plane to cross the Atlantic, for the umpteenth time, and
dropping down landing safely in the poster-city of all things American Summer. Even though it seems most of the people over there don’t speak English. Or American for that matter. I’m travelling for (and not in) business, but I do intend to sneak away and stick my weird looking toes in the sand of South beach. I don’t know anything about Miami other than what I’ve seen in movies or in rap music video’s. Based on this limited, one-sided portrayal of the city, you may rest assure that there are certain things I will NOT do whilst exposing myself. To the sights and sounds of Miami.
- I won’t go shirtless (or wear a vest for that matter) because I’ll stand out like Trump at a Democratic convention. What am I saying, I’ll stand out like Trump anywhere. His orange skin and striking hair makes him look like the original Oompa-Loompa. The other reason why I would stand out is because I’m still stuck in the middle of the African winter, hence my ghostly complexion. Some people would say ghastly. But screw some people.
- I won’t swim in the sea because I have a rational fear of sharks because they can kill you. I’m not sure how clever American sharks are and whether they can distinguish between seal and man. I’m not taking any chances. Also, swimming implies having to take my shirt off and we’ve covered that already. Nipples and all.
- I won’t use any form of wheels on my feet moving from point A to point B because my travel insurance does not cover life threatening activities. And no-one can afford American healthcare. Besides there are better ways to bump into people.
- I won’t look at any girls, at least not without my shades, because as a lover of life I wouldn’t want to be beaten up by a guy who kick starts planes for a living. I also don’t want to seem like a pervert. Or a dirty old man.
- I won’t do any pull ups or sit-ups of pull downs or any other activity at Muscle Beach. I won’t even go near the place as I certainly don’t want to embarrass the young natives
showing offtraining there. I also prefer not to be laughed at by people I don’t know. They have to buy me dinner first.
- I won’t get any ink because I’ve seen some of the stuff people put on their bodies and what might look like an amazing eagle today will follow gravity and end up looking like a wrinkled ostrich twenty years from now.
- I won’t go into any nightclubs because I’m NOT a big fan of music that sounds like shit with a beat, nor am I in the mood to fight for a bartender’s attention amidst a crowd of girating semi-naked bodies. (Goodness me, I sound like my Dad.)
Anyhow, I will have a beer and a cocktail and maybe another beer as I soak up the North American sun, leaving the place looking like a crayfish. Maybe I should pack me some suntan lotion?