Not my bravest moment

cockroach-control

http://www.planetnatural.com not only has bug-porn but also provide advise on how to get rid of them

I like waking up early as much as I love cockroaches.  When that alarm goes off, I curse my life.  And then I get up because I remember that I don’t have one.  A  life, that is.  No-one forced me to move from fat to fit.  And then try and remain there because fat is a bastard, always lurking around, hiding in a bottle of wine or a box of pizza.

I work my way through all seven dwarfs from the time that my eyes open until the moment I can close them again.  Grumpy is up first and once he leaves, they follow one after the other, until I usually get stuck with Happy. Or Funny, who’s the illegitimate child of Snow White and Shrek. Sometimes I end up with Bashful…

All my shoes are piled at the bottom of my closet because the Wife doesn’t want to organise them in neatly sorted pairs.  I have to dig for my sneakers every morning at a time when my eyes are still trying to remember how they’re suppose to function.  Other people frown when you walk into a gym wearing shorts and shiny, black shoes.

It turns out that the dark corner at the bottom of my closet is also a cross-dimensional porthole from hell, as that would be the only explanation  why a f*cking cockroach would be scurrying across my hand that early in the morning.  And he wasn’t little! This atrocious piece of wasted creation was the Godfather of a freakishly large, mutated clan of despicable, disgusting, horrendous family of cockroaches.

I did what any normal 42-year-old man would do.  Especially considering the fact that this man is still dealing with Grumpy whilst trying to be a caring father, a loving husband and a ferocious protector of his family.  I retracted my hand, jumped up and flung the bug across the room, all before anyone could blink.  It was like that scene in X-men with Quicksilver but without the awesome theme music.

Oh and did I mention, I screamed like a little girl as I was doing it…

I chased the monster and got to him before he reached the ground.  As he dropped, I squashed it.  Thirty-two times…which is when I stopped counting.  Some might say I was auditioning for a part in the Lord of the Dance. But more important was the fact that the thing was dead.  And in pieces.

There was bug-juice everywhere, dripping from the walls, the closet doors, my legs.  It was splattered across the floor, oozing down the stairs.  My chest, puffing from the effort, was drenched in the stuff and pieces of goo and guts stuck to my hair and face. I took a shovel and scooped up all the broken pieces of it’s body and dumped it in a refuse bag.  Or more accurately, in four bags.  I placed his head on a stake/toothpick at the bottom of my closet as a warning to the others.   Then I took a selfie…

NEoElLDwlL9Cso_1_1

And that marks the second time this week where the Wife was laughing uncontrollably…

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “Not my bravest moment

    • So would I but what to do with the shoes then?

      Besides I’ve fumigated the whole neighborhood and I believe the whole family to be dead. Unless off course, they plan on making another appearance in the name of Godfather 2, but hey, when did that ever happen?

      Like

  1. I wrote you a poem titled “Poor Little Roach”
    Poor little roach been hiding all night
    Open the cupboard and witness his fright
    People step on him, they don’t care
    Poor little roach’s pain is too much to bear
    Poor little roach does not even put up a fight
    Bwahaha@stake – they are not bloodsuckers!
    Or are they?

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hahaha! Don’t be too hard on yourself. It came at you during a very sensitive time. I’m all too familiar with the half-blind grumpy weekday woes of a freshly woken activity.

    I should warn you of a secret weapon that roaches wield however; hundreds of eggs hidden in the recesses of their undercarriage! If you squish them with your shoes and then do a victory lap about the house, you run the risk of depositing said eggs throughout. Thus increasing their gross/evil numbers.

    Either way, you’ve battled fiercely and welcomed the day as a true warrior. You shall sup at the high table in Valhalla!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Heeheee! The almighty repylsive roach. Do you know the movie Joe’s Apartment? Old, old movie. Maybe somewhere in your house there’s a colony breeding and about to do a take over…! :p
    But hey! At least you made your wife laugh. That’s a good deed.😉

    Like

  4. Have you ever read Kafka’s novel about the ordinary guy who wakes up one morning, only to find out that overnight he turned into a giant cockroach??? Geez you version is a GIANT improvement…..

    Liked by 1 person

I won't bite, I promise...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s