Pixels left me…um….how should I put this…unsatisfied?

Proof that Adam Sandler still makes terrible movies

Proof that Adam Sandler still makes terrible movies

The premise was phenomenally original: Eighties arcade games invading earth! Who doesn’t remember spending copious amounts of coins trying to eat dots AND outrun those four coloured ghosts?  Or destroy row after row of Space Invaders?  The short film which the movie was based on blew me away to the point of contributing to almost 50% of the almost 1,4 million YouTube views. I couldn’t contain my excitement when I heard that they’re planning a full length movie. I was so happy,  I ran around town yelling at random people: “Did you hear?  Did you hear?”  I kind of regret that now.  Moving on…

Then came the biggest let down of the century.  Even worse than the time when I realised she was a he.  Different story.  Different blog.  Adam Sandler was not only going to star in the movie, his production company, Happy Madison, would also be producing.  And all my hopes and dreams about watching a good movie went down the drain, which is where most of his other movies are already.

I refuse to waste my money on crap as I’m already paying taxes.  I therefore missed it’s run on the big screen, only to see it pop up last week on the small one.  This meant I could stay in my pajamas, watch the inevitable disaster unfold and curse/swear when it gets to the point of no return without the risk of someone complaining or throwing me with popcorn.  There was still a part of me that wanted to see the movie because it featured Packman. It’s the geek part.  Besides, how bad could it be?

Let’s just conclude that “Pixels” is further proof that Adam Sandler movies should be studied in film school under the chapter of “Films that suck and/or are a total waste of time”.  It turned out even worse than I expected it to be. Here are 10 reasons why:

  1. Adam Sandler is the star.  The last decent movie he acted in was…I can’t remember.  Mostly because such a movie doesn’t exist.
  2. Adam Sandler is the producer.  Other gems in his filmography includes Grown ups 2 and Jack and Jill.
  3. Kevin James is the president. Any democracy that willingly elects him as leader of their country deserves total annihilation.
  4. The aliens are never shown, thus taking away any possible personal gratification of seeing Adam or Kevin nuked.
  5. They made Donkey Kong look easy and a lot less exciting than it was, and for that they shall burn in hell.
  6. It made one of my favourite actors, Peter Dinklage, seem small, stupid and insignificant.  On the big screen.  Not even Cersei was ever that cruel.
  7. They wasted an awesome cameo from Tori Iwatani, the creator of Packman and that makes me puke a little in my mouth.
  8. And to Chris Columbus…shame on you.  What happened? Didn’t you direct Gremlins and a few Harry Potter movies as well?  Shame on you.
  9. One would think that using Michelle Monoghan and some decent special effects might save this atrocity.  One would be wrong.
  10. The team behind this movie took a great premise and fucked it up completely.  Sorry kids, but the truth hurts and it’s better you hear it from your father.

And just to remind you how great this could have been, I’ve added the original French short film for your viewing pleasure.

Am I being to harsh?  Let me know.

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18 thoughts on “Pixels left me…um….how should I put this…unsatisfied?

  1. Well crap. It seems that I couldn’t possibly agree more. On all points. Especially #5.

    Having now seen the short, which is infinitely better, I have reached a new level of detachment from that film.

    Happy Gilmore and Billy Madison, however, do have their place in my heart. It’s a blindly stupid romp that fills a niche for me. Like an old cheech and chong movie. Particularly the bad guy in Madison. Exceedingly douchebagish. Hilarious to me. “sorry doesn’t put the delicious triscuit cracker into my mouth, now does it Carl?”

    Now that’s some quality shit right there. Like Ted Knight in Caddyshack.

    That said, every film since those two has been trite and not the right kind of weird. Little Nicky? What the shit?

    Like

  2. Pingback: In loving memory of 2015 | Ah dad...

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