The world is entering confusing times. And it’s not only because of spring arriving in the Southern Hemisphere when some animals will start humping like rabbits in time with the first blossom on a peach tree. It’s also because the world is about to embark on a quest. A quest that happens once every four years. A quest that requires fifteen fit and capable (depending on who you ask) warriors or lords from twenty different countries to go into battle for total supremacy. Supremacy of power and perseverance. Of speed and skill. Of attack and defense. Of scrums and line-ups and drop goals.
Once the final battle is won, the victors will stand proud in Twickenham, looking down at all the slain contestants who will worship them as gods. And the leader of twenty-two will wipe the mud and spit from his face as he drinks from the ultimate reward, the Web Ellis Trophy as winners of the Rugby World Cup 2015…
And during this epic tournament men will turn into something different whilst they prepare to become spectators as their team fight for glory. Some men will take longer to turn, but eventually every male will. The transformation will escalate quickly towards those final moments near the end. Fathers, husbands, boyfriends and brothers will become unrecognizable once they turned. The symptoms will be diverse, some will turn into zombies, others into alcoholics, some will turn into aggressive beasts, others into whimpering babies. Some might even turn up dead. But they will. All. Turn.
It is my duty as a husband, father, brother and friend to safeguard households against the inevitable turning. As long as females adhere to these simple rules they will be safe from the turning, I think. This will also limit the amount of tears, turmoil and tiffs that is bound to occur during these trying times. History has proven that your loved ones will change back to the adorable, dimwitted creatures you married. This normally happens as soon as the world recovers from going totally bonkers. For rugby. Here are the rules…
- Leave the remote in clear line of view. Do NOT move the remote from it’s regular storage space. If you suffer from a brief spout of insanity and decide to move it, you will hear deafening screams and the inevitable f-bomb arsenal slung at you. It is also your duty as a mother to protect your kids by warning them to leave the remote alone.
- If there is a remote chance that you would be actually handling the remote, do NOT change the channel. Ever. If doesn’t matter how sick you are of seeing thirty grown men chasing an egg shaped ball. Do NOT change the channel!
- Do NOT ask for permission to watch your own favorite TV show between games. At best you will be ignored, at worst, well, men cannot be held accountable for their actions during this tournament.
- Do NOT ask any question about the shirt your man is wearing. It IS the same one. If a dirty shirt bugs you, then my advise would be to wash his shirt in the middle of the night and make sure it’s dry before he wakes up. Unless he sleeps with it, as would be the case as long as his team is winning. Just buy another shirt.
- Do NOT comment on the consumption of alcohol. Nuff’ said.
- Do NOT comment on the amount of friends running through your house like a freight train. If you don’t like the smell of testosterone, chip-and-dip, stale beer and constant shouting, then my best advise would be to say nothing. As soon as your man thinks he is placing you in an uncomfortable position, he will move to a different house (because he loves you) and that implies you have lost control.
- Do NOT comment on the fact that your man is watching a replay of a game and for the love of god do NOT take the side of the referee in viewing any replay, unless off course your man considers the referee to be the best human being on the planet.
- Do NOT ask for sex. You won’t be getting any. Well, maybe a quickie after the game. And only if his team has won. And he won’t take off his shirt.
- Do NOT ask any questions about the rules of the game. You will only get grunts. If you didn’t bother learning the rules before the tournament, you have no business being in the front of the television screen. The only remedy would be to shorten the chain from the kitchen.
- Do NOT expect any action or assistance whilst a game is on. This includes, but are not limited to a house on fire, you going into labor, the cat dying or the kid falling from a two story building. You are known to be a strong, independent woman and should be able to handle all of life’s little mishaps on your own. After you bring me a beer.
Let’s back the Boks!! Go Bokke, bring it home!!
(I wonder how comfortable the coach is?)