Hey Dude, listen up. Your father is about to bestow some wisdom onto you. This is important information that men have shared through generations, even before the time when dragons flew across the sky and Cersei Lannister was a bitch. In an ancient time before PlayStation 4 was distracting boys from their real purpose in life, which is to find a nice, decent, preferably rich, mother for my grandchildren. Leave that remote, as I’m only going to say this once, then I’ll write it down so you can read it as often as you like.
Men are simple creatures and I know this first hand. Evolution hasn’t made significant changes to the male version of Homo Sapiens, mainly because we were perfect to begin with. Even if we miss a rib or two. We still grunt to show if we’re angry or hungry or sexy. We still want to show strength and can still pee standing up, if the Wife is not looking. As long as we aim properly, which is not always easy, especially in the morning, I know.
Being simple creatures doesn’t imply that we are stupid or insensitive or chauvinist pigs. We’re just uncomplicated. Men tend to remove the clutter of human emotion from our lives and fluctuate between Joy and Anger. Joy will remain at the console as long as we have control of the TV with a beer in hand (and a couple in the fridge) and a quickie every now and again. (I’ll explain the latter a bit later.) So it’s very easy. Anger might step in at some point like when the Sharks play crap rugby or a Taxi-driver cuts me off, but normally Anger doesn’t stay very long. He gets tired very quickly. It’s too much effort to keep a grudge. We don’t like to remember things which is why Mom always provides me with a list in the morning. Fortunately I’ve now been able to memorize my list: It’s shit, shower, shave, brush my teeth, then get dressed. Oh and fix my hair. I always forget that one!
You’re probably wondering where is the wisdom I was talking about. Well, *insert cleaning throat noise* sometimes in a man’s life Fear operates like a CIA agent and appears out of nowhere and seize control of the console. In moments like these Joy is dispatch to the depths of your subconscious, whilst Anger and Disgust will hide in a closet, watching Sadness cry in a corner. It’s scary moments when men realize that certain actions (or more accurately non-actions) have resulted in the proverbial excrement to hit the fan and scatter it all across your life. It is moments when you will attempt to dig yourself out of the mess, but inadvertently only make you sink deeper in a quicksand of dung. Moments in life when the best thing to do is to shut up and surrender and accept the inevitable:
“This is bad. This is really, really bad.”
- The moment when you volunteer to change a diaper and realize it’s not a pee-pee.
- The moment when you become aware that Princess is taking extra care with her appearance when her older brother’s mates come to visit.
- The moment when you notice how Dude is battling to maintain eye contact with the friendly, voluptuous, somewhat-exposed waitress.
- The moment when you finish the Absolute Bloody Final drink with your mates and realize you’re now late for dinner with her parents.
- The moment when you see the traffic cop jumping out behind the effin’ tree and you know you’ve been travelling a tad faster than you should. (And you have no cash)
- The moment when you compare your woman to your mother and tell her about it. And you will.
- The moment when you walk into a bar and see a good mate’s fiance kissing someone else. Worse, when it’s another guy.
- The moment when it is revealed that the Ginormosaurus Rex is out of its confinement.
- The moment when you accidentally delete the season finale of Grey’s Anatomy and the Wife is still recovering from Dr McDreamy’s *spoiler alert* death in the last episode.
- The moment when you stretch out on the coach and remember an important anniversary, like the day you met or the day you both arrived with matching shirts.
- The moment when you comment on a dress or a plate of food and it is interpreted as you calling your lady fat.
Another acceptable expression for moments like these would probably be “Oops. Oh Fu…” but this is a kid friendly blog.
I’m of the opinion that if you are able to prevent any of these situations, then you will live a very happy life. For the most part. It’s no co-incidence that most of the situations relates to moments involving woman. It’s a scientific fact, published by the School of Testosterone, that once men allow women into their habitat, it implies complication. And by complication I mean you will have countless days of bliss and love and happiness, along with moments where your actions will make you realize shortly thereafter that “This is bad. This is really, really bad.”
On second thought, rather pick up that remote again. Kill some zombies. It’s easier.