Smoke much? No, he must be lying.

A disgusting little garden

Evil Mary’s disgusting little garden

Tim* was a smoker. Tim was unhappily married to the first woman who agreed to have sex with him, mainly because she fell pregnant.  Tim was not a very lucky man, most probably because he accidently kicked that midget during soccer practise.  In his defence, the little man was lying on the field at the time.  It wasn’t Suzie’s* first horizontal Tango but she felt sorry for the 22 year old virgin, was drunk at the time and needed a place to stay.  Even though Suzie gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, she manage to retain every single pound of fat she had before she fell pregnant.  Now she only had an excuse to look like someone who ate a small country. One can’t blame her for finding solace in food, her poor father died when he chased a lizard into the river.  The lizard turned out to be a baby crocodile and Dad became their family dinner.  It’s a common mistake.  Her mother was deeply happy about his tragic death and left to buy some vinegar and bread to make wine.  She never returned.  If only she left a trial of M&M’s or Twinkies.

Tim had an average childhood, if one consider both his parents were the inspiration behind American Horror Story: Freak show.  Needless to say, based on the genes he received, Tim was no Tom Cruise.  The only resemblance was the fact that he had dark hair and a chin.   Tim earned his keep by doing odd jobs around town.  Like painting.  Tim didn’t look good in an overall, but considering what he looked like without one, no one complained.  His missing teeth didn’t help his face either which is what happens when you try and bite through a tortoise shell.  Lesson learned.  In the end, who needs teeth when you can leave road kill in the sun for three days before cooking it.  The meat has a funky smell but falls right off the bone.

Tim and Suzie was happy as anyone could be, still living with their parents at forty.  Tim wanted a better life.  Maybe one day they could get their own shack, closer to the Creek. Tim always wanted to be a DJ, he dreamed about hearing his own voice blurting over the radio.   He used to steal his Mom’s brush and then fake DJ behind the old barn to the fake audience consisting of a real cow and seven pigs.  Nowadays, he prefers using Little Tim’s wigs, even though his dresses doesn’t fit him anymore.

Like every person on earth Tim also had a talent for something, a natural ability to outshine the average person.  Tim was a smoker.  No, he was a master smoker based on his own testimony.  Oh and he had a knack for embellishment.  Like the fact that he forced Hitler to kill himself by holding a Swiss army knife to his throat. Or the fact that he discovered the Lochness monster but had to kill it for food to serve his dying family in the drought of ’76.

So when he heard about the local radio station looking for a smoker whom they could cure using hypnotherapy, Tim knew it was his moment of truth.  He knew instinctively that everything he experienced in his life led to this moment.  This was going to be his time, bathing in the glorious rays of fame and he was going to make every single one count.  Did I mention that Tim had a lisp?

To cut a long story short, Tim was chosen as the successful victim of hypnosis.  The reason he was chosen was based on the fact that he convinced the producer that he was smoking 15 cartons of cigarettes a month.  Let’s analyse this shall we?

  • There are 10 packets of cigarettes in a carton.
  • 15 Carton implies 150 packs of cigarettes a month.
  • There are 30 days in a month and using simple maths, this would imply 5 packets a day.
  • 5 packets a day are a 100 cigarettes.
  • If it takes 5 minutes to smoke a cigarette, it implies 500 minutes of smoking.
  • 500 minutes is a little more than 8 hours a day. Of constant smoking.
  • Normal people sleep for 6 hours a night and use another 2 to eat, shit, shave and shower.
  • And maybe another 4 to slack of in front of the television set.
  • Which leaves Tim* with a mere 6 hours to be a productive member of society.

We have three scenario’s here. (1) Tim is a very convincing liar, (2) The producer is just stupid, (3) The guy who smokes 15 cartons a month has lungs that would make an asbestos worker nervous.

Tim* is a fictional character.  BUT what is true is the local radio station who was looking for a guy who they would help get rid of his smoking addiction via hypnotherapy.  The guy they chose did smoke 15 cartons a day.  I was so unbelievable, I had to come up with a back story.  And this is how Tim was born.

I am left with one question for the actual smoking guy:

What job do you have?  Where do you work?  Do they pay for smoke breaks? Are they looking to hire people?

(Yes, I know it’s four.  I’m not the producer.)

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