I’m boarding a plane again next week. Cartographists, sailors and (I’m hoping) pilots will say I’m heading east. And as time lines go, I’ll be getting ahead of myself. It’s nothing new, I tend to be ahead of myself most of the time, saying things I shouldn’t. I’m visiting two of the countries stuck in the bottom right corner of the map. Places down under where they like cricket and attempt to play rugby. Where winter arrives in June and men have an inexplicable fondness for a certain farm animal. Where they consider a playstation to be a sheep tied to a tree.
My first stop will be Middle Earth where Hobbits and Elves roam free. Where sweeping landscapes of snow covered mountains break the horizon and make you scream: “You shall not PASS!” A place where there are more sheep than woman. The citizens call themselves Kiwis and should thank God that the Dodo was not a native bird. Kiwis like to get down and dirty, whether it be with a flock of sheep or a rugby ball.
The kit of the national rugby team is All Black and they do this weird chanting ritual before every game, proving once again that white men can’t dance. And more importantly, shouldn’t try. They stick their tongues out whilst prancing around, trying to intimidate their opponents. It’s not working. Or maybe it’s not for intimidation after all, maybe it’s just them concentrating on remembering the words which no-one understands or trying to find the right pose for a selfie with Miley Cyrus after the game. Did I mention they like sheep?
(I’ll be spending some time in Auckland and as a precaution for my own safety and well being, that is more than enough information.)
A Kiwi walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says:
“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
“I think you’ll find that’s not a pig but a sheep, you idiot.”
The man says: ” Shut up, I wasn’t talking to you.”
If I survive and get out of the country in one piece, I’ll arrive at my second stop. The country that is still deciding whether it is a big island or a small continent. Where the horizon is…well…pretty flat. In the middle of the country there is a vast area of nothing but dust, with descendants from British convicts scattered along the outer rim. Much like a civilization donut without the cream. For the cream stays in Sydney where no-one else can afford to stay. Their towns are named after words the Teletubbies came up with. Shit like Bullaburra, Kurri Kurri, Coonabarabran, Gollagong and Toowoomba.
It’s a place where you will find a million living things that can kill you and none of them would be able to yield a knife or shoot a gun. Dog’s also hate the place as the people throw a self-fetching stick. The poor dogs end up looking rather stupid as they charge after nothing. This country also has a lot of sheep, but they actually have more flies. And wallabies, lots and lots of wallabies. More commonly known as kangaroos, which are basically huge rats with custom fit moonbags.
It’s a country where they’re still trying to figure out how to play rugby as they have too many different variations of the same game. Here you can find the place where Ken and Barbie met and most of the citizens are pretty well-balanced as they have a chip on both shoulders. It’s a country where the border patrol will confiscate your biltong, for they like it more than we do.
(I’m going to be in Brisbane, Sydney and Melbourne but not in that particular order. I’m not crazy and I don’t like pain. And I’m sure you’ll all agree; a broken jaw would be considered painful which is why I feel the need to protect my exact whereabouts.)
Here’s hoping they’ll still let me in…
Note from the Editor: It’s a little known fact that a South African will not be allowed back in the country if he/she cannot supply sufficient proof that he ridiculed both our rivals, especially considering that all three of us would be vying for the same thing: First, becoming champions of the next Tri-Nations Tournament, and then holding the Web Ellis trophy as victors of the 2015 Rugby World Cup that’s being played later this year. But these are both obvious results…