I’m 42, thereby making me an adult. Or a boy with very big toys. Being forty-two implies that you’ve screwed up a few times and hopefully learned how to avoid those little mishaps. You accept all the flaws, idiosyncrasies and shortcomings you have. Your skin stretch in some places and wrinkle in other. If you’re lucky enough to have hair, the colour fades to a pale shade of grey making you look fantastic, just like Mr Fantastic.
Old Mature people understand which parts of our persona keeps us from achieving optimal human existence, therefore most of us have stopped trying to be perfect. We don’t wake up everyday with a desperate need to impress someone.
With that being said, I lack patience. (I actually lack a few other things as well, but let’s stick with one shall we.) When God was handing out patience, I wasn’t in the queue. I didn’t want to wait. It remains MY MISSING VIRTUE. (Or the title of a youth novel I have yet to right.) Waiting in queue’s for prolonged periods of times causes my legs to cramp, my brain to stop functioning and my heart to beat faster than a nervous teenager before his first kiss. Waiting causes immense frustration and make me want to kick puppies. Or maybe place a kitten in a tumble dryer. Don’t worry, I’ll choose the delicate-fabric cycle, I’m not a savage.
If you’re still reading….I’m kidding! I love animals. I’ll never kick puppies. But cats are not animals. Felines are the alien specie who was riding the asteroid that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs. Cats was never born to share anything. They even made a documentary about this it in the eighties, albeit animated. It was called Thundercats. Early cats was mistaken for gods and worshipped by the Egyptians. Cats commissioned the design and construction of the Giza Pyramids and allowed people to think it was their idea.
Cats have an insatiable desire to be worshipped by humanity. They have modified their modus operandi and instead of trying to be gods they have subsequently decided to concur the Internet. And it seems to be working extremely well. Cats are beating humans into submission by an arsenal of cuteness. Preying on our better nature of making us believe they are vulnerable and adorable creatures. We are blinded by their wicked intent of taking over the world. One gif at a time. Don’t believe me? You can click here for proof. I need to warn you of the pitfalls of websites like this. It’s what I like to call cute-porn. It’s highly addictive and the first step to succumb to their evil power. Even a man with my strong conviction had to dig deep into the realms of my own willpower to click away. I’m one of the lucky ones, barely escaping their clutches, having the strength to shake off the sudden uncontrollable urge to say “AAAAawwwwwww” more than once.
Cats have always been condescending and I’ve always felt inferior around them. It might not be their fault but it is what it is. They’re evil. Whereas a dog is always happy to see me. Getting back to my lack of virtue.
Maybe I should elaborate a bit. It’s not that I mind waiting. I know it’s inevitable to wait for stuff. As a rational thinking male I have allocated an appropriate time to wait for almost everything. It’s a mental agreement with myself that I won’t lose my shit before a specific allocated time has passed. I’ll happily have a glass of wine whilst I wait for two hours to board to plane. I will happily chat for twenty minutes whilst I wait for a decent meal to arrive. I will keep my fingers off the hooter for the five minutes that I sit in the car so that Wife and Princess can enhance their beauty before they leave the house. I’ll even wait for thirty seconds when my timing is off and I’m stuck at a red traffic light.
It’s when reality exceeds my expectation of what is sufficient waiting time that I lose my striking, sunny disposition. Those few times when kittens need to stay out of my way. Unless off course…
O-kay, all together now: “Aaaaawwwww.”