A few weeks ago (I can’t believe it’s been that long!) I posted a challenge as part of me excepting A Very Inspiring Blog Award or what I like to call a VIBA. (It just sounds more prestigious, don’t you think?) Those who bothered reading the post had to guess which two facts from a list of nine about yours truly, turned out to be unfathomable lies.
Here’s the list again:
- I puked the first time I attempted to change Dude’s nappy.
- I was slapped by a girl in high school, after I told her she had the personality of a pig.
- The guy who introduced me and the Wife has since dated a gay-porn star.
- I can bench press 200 pounds.
- I told Princess that we’re going to stop buying contact lenses, facial cream and instruct the orthodontist never to remove her dentures, so she would be unappealing for boys when she goes to high school.
- I might leave my Wife for Britney Spears.
- I have been in three motor vehicle accidents and all of them happened on the way to gym, i.e. before 05h00 in the morning.
- I used to call my Wife “Babe” when we dated and we got engaged during the movie “Babe”.
- My first serious girlfriend cheated on two different occasions and I took her back both times.
I promised full disclosure in that post, but before I do so, allow me to enlighten you on the general consensus. Most of you are convinced that (1) I am not able to perform a bench press with 200 pounds and (2) I would never leave my wife for Britney Spears. This implies that most of you think I am a lovesick weakling? A whipped geek? Don’t bother answering that.
Besides, the general consensus was wrong. The truth shall set you free. And allow you to sleep again, as I’m expecting the nervous tension about the big reveal must have caused insomnia for a lot of you.
It is true that there were two lies in the original post. But the first lie was that I didn’t tell the truth about two lies in the list of nine truths. There was only one, like Gollum’s ring. One lie hidden amongst eight truths. What can I say, I’ve had a full life. *insert evil grin*
The second lie was an obvious one. I love Britney, but anyone with half a brain would know I will NEVER be able to leave my wife. Not out of choice off course, but simply due to the fact that I cannot breathe without her in my life. The lack of oxygen would make me keel over and die. Quickly. When I’m away from her I develop a strange aching in my chest. It’s a medical condition called lovethewifecondacitus. Besides, have you met my wife? She’s frigging awesome, ask my kids. You wouldn’t be able to leave her either, she is the carrier of the disease.
There you have it. But before I go…
To all the folks and friends and followers who consider me to weak to bench press 200 pounds…HA! In your face! I’m the man. I can execute two full reps. With a spotter. Consider your mind blown.
There’s a couple of you who consider me to be too nice/decent/educated/afraid to insult a female. By confessing to the truth, I hope I haven’t crossed some sort of imaginary line into pig-status about that pig-insult. Please understand that it was uttered to a proverbial mean girl at a time when I was young and awkward and thought myself to be a very funny guy who could get away with anything. In hindsight nothing much has changed in my life, I’m only less young.
But in my defence, someone had to shove that bitch off the throne she placed herself on. Someone had to speak for those who didn’t have a voice. And that voice, that geek in shining armour was going to be me. I don’t consider it to be my proudest moment as a pre-adult, but a lesson learned. One shouldn’t disrespect another person. Ever. To offer some consolation to the feminists: The bitch slapped me silly. I didn’t think the redness would ever disappear from my cheek.
It also turned out to be one of the shortest conversations I’ve ever had with a girl and she was mad enough to ignore me for a very long time. Until we broke the silence two years later when we made out at a party. I don’t think she recognised me. It happened after the onset of puberty.
Know you now.