I’ve got proof; I’m one of the Sleeping Dead

Wife got me a Samsung Gearfit for my birthday.  Probably because she loves me, but more probably because I wanted one and told her where to buy it.

An arm selfie

A wrist selfie with Captain America

PLEASE NOTE! This is not a promo post that sings the praises of an amazing piece of technology in exchange for monetary compensation.  See Mom, no links…

Even though it is an amazing piece of technology and I would be prepared to accept money, should they (Samsung) decide to offer me some.  I only take dollars.

This watch can do all things and more.  You can read your e-mail on the loo, if you so happen to end up on the loo without your phone.  (Which is just bad planning.)  A diary on the watch can help you with that.  It can measure your blood pressure which is great for joggers and cyclists, but also handy to monitor your chances of a heart attack when that sleazy hormone invested boy normal kid talks to Princess for the umpteenth time.  Another great feature is the ability to reject a phone call from relatives.

You can have a new Superhero watch everyday with a wide variety of coloured straps and changing the face of the watch by selecting different pics wallpaper.   And it tells time.

It basically does everything a father wants from a watch, except open a bottle of wine, entertain idiot suitors or shoot a warning shot with a double barrelled shotgun.  With that being said, it has a tracking device.

Another cool feature is its ability to measure sleep patterns.  Don’t worry, it’s a lot simpler than it sounds.  There’s no plugs or probes that will violate your whatyamacallit.  It simply measures your movement, or rather, your lack of movement, whilst you’re sleeping.

I’ve been using this feature for the last couple of weeks.  I have an average measurement is 92% motionlessness. (Is this a word?)  This means that when my eyes are closed, I do not move.  I don’t turn around, I don’t fluff my pillow, I don’t get up to pee, I don’t change the air-con setting and I don’t bug the wife about a bug in the room.  I sleep.

I am The Sleeping Dead.  I don’t even get up for a burglar. (True story).

I take sleep very seriously.  It’s no laughing matter, unless I’m having a nice dream, then I giggle.  And I snore.  But besides that I sleep.  Sleep is my recovery from the daily chaos that breaks around me and prevents me from breaking things.  I commit to sleep like my life depends on it.  Call me Captain Sleep, an undercover agent for the Sandman.

If sleeping was an Olympic sport, I would not only win the event, I would crush the competition.  World record holder hands down.  Any variation of a sleep activity would work:

  • Quickest time to fall asleep aka Speedsnooze – got it.
  • Sleep for the longest time aka Marathon sleeping – nailed it.
  • Taking a nap anywhere aka Napdash – Ah please, I need a challenge!

The only thing(s) that wakes me is a frigging alarm.  I’m glad to report that I can now kill the alarm without getting out of bed.  Thanks to this gift from the Wife.  Oh yes, and the Wife.  She can wake me too.  Past experiences has taught me she’s quite the efficient, wake-me-upper.

My superhuman ability has an added benefit during an impending Zombie Apocalypse.  We, the Sleeping Dead, will be unaware of what’s happening and just morph into the Walking kind.

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20 thoughts on “I’ve got proof; I’m one of the Sleeping Dead

  1. Wow that is impressive the sleep I mean 😉 the watch is kinda cool too.
    I average 2.5 hours of motionless sleep a night between the toddler waking, hubby snoring and needing to see at 31 weeks pregnant. I wish there was more motionless sleep going on. In fact I’d take motionless less for the next 9 week’s please. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Does it come in bigger sizes – like in as big as a laptop screen at least? Otherwise I won’t be able to see a thing on it. Oh wait, I need my glasses to read my laptop screen as well. About the motionless sleeping – wait till you’re my age: 15 minutes and your legs are cramping, half an hour and you wake yourself up coughing, 1 hour and the aches and pains drive you out of bed. I count that as a good night’s sleep.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m gonna try it. Tonight. I’ll keep you posted.

      I wonder if it will be allowed during the Olympic games, or would that be considered a performance enhancing drug for sleeping…

      Like

  3. Pingback: In loving memory of 2015 | Ah dad...

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