Me making coffee is why God created earth

During the past weekend we were fortunate to visit one of the best places on earth, commonly known as Durban.  Or like South Africans like to call it, Durbs.  We’re lazy buggers and drop vowels frequently.

Princess took part in provincial trials for track and field, or in her case more field than track.  She had to compete in two events: High jump and shot put.  The first one makes sense to me as she was blessed with her father’s good looks height.  But who knew she also had a knack for throwing a ball made of stone.  Viking much? It’s all very confusing.  I’m blaming estrogen.

We stayed in a hotel close to the stadium but location wasn’t the reason we opted for this specific hotel.  We had a better reason:  An amazing breakfast buffet.  I’m prepared to sell my soul for a great breakfast buffet.  And this hotel had waffles.  ‘Nuff said.

Wife cannot function properly without her first cup of coffee.  She won’t even rush down for waffles, unless she has that coffee.  Caffeine enables her to get out of bed.  And smile.  It enables her to take life by the horns and scream in it’s face: Bring it on bitch!  The room we stayed in had a kettle and some instant powder, which was great.  It meant the Wife wouldn’t have to mug someone for a …mug. *insert high-five* I started making coffee like a brain surgeon.  If a brain surgeon is someone who tears open a few packets and dumps the content into a cup of boiling water.  And let’s not forget the arduous activity of stirring the lot.

I was doing all of this whilst Wife was in the bathroom doing her sadistic morning ritual of prying open her eye-lids and shoving a piece of clear plastic over each eye-ball.  I can’t even begin to describe the agony I feel in the times that I had to watch her do it.  I wanted to post a picture but couldn’t, as I really like my followers and wouldn’t want to cause them sleepless nights.

The worst part is that Princess is now sharing this vomit-inducing ritual. Two of them, side by side doing what they call “fitting their contact lenses”.  I call it sick and twisted.

After a few seconds, for she has become very skillful in the art of fitting contact lenses, Wife emerges with perfect vision.  I hand her the freshly made cup of instant mocca.  She gladly excepts it and I follow her glance as it passes right through me.  Woman do that so well.  As she takes her first sip of the morning, she comments dryly, pointing to the counter:

“Dit lyk soos voor die skepping.”

(That obviously begs for an explanation.)

It’s written in Afrikaans which is why it doesn’t make any sense to most people.  Directly translated into human it basically means “It looks like the time before creation.”  For you science geeks out there, this would be before the Big Bang.  (Or the somewhat questionable theory that a massive explosion of nothing created everything.  Yeah right. You might as well call me a descendant from an ape. Wait, what? Are you kidding me? Do some people believe in that shit too?)

The reason why I laughed at my Wife’s comment is because the Afrikaans Bible describes the period before creation as “woes” and “leeg”.  Translated, these words means “chaotic and wild”.  Uninhabitable.

(Which brings me to the end of my Afrikaans lesson, as it was not the intention of the post.)

The love of my life seems to think that I made a bit of a mess during my coffee-making-activity.  This is the counter she was looking at, the one that reminded her why God created earth.

It's not THAT it?

It’s not THAT it?

But let’s all remember this is the same woman who shoves plastic stuff into her eyes every morning…

13 thoughts on “Me making coffee is why God created earth

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