Farts and Arses are things teenage boys talk about

What a splendid idea for a post…It happens when you drive four teenage boys to school.   It’s highly entertaining and I would encourage everyone to do the same.  It’s like a daily tonic.  This particular post started as an innocent discussion of a silly joke.  Someone dissed the wannabe comedian very sarcastically with a “Wow, see me laughing my ass off.”

Then someone else made a very random comment.

“Imagine what would happen if something ridiculously funny happens and people literally started to lose their asses from laughing too hard.”

Before I continue, let me just say that I had to translate Adolescence into English for the purpose of the post.  It’s actually very easy, I removed all the “like really” “bro” and “yolo” from the conversation.  It is used so often, one might think teenagers have lost the ability to converse in their native tongue.

Once the comment was out, the five of us was laughing so hard, we thought we might be the first people to lose our arses.  After some recovery the plot thickened and it turned into one of the funniest school rides in living memory.  Here is a brief sequence of the conversation, as the four boys went from innocent giggling to total ballistic hysterics.

  • When a person laughs like really hard, you loose control.  Some people pee, but in their twisted version of the world people would loose their arse.
  • Unless you’re sitting off course.  Or wear some seriously skinny jeans or tight underpants.  If not then your ass might end up on the floor/field/ground.
  • Your ass would split on impact, which would cause heaps of butt cheeks lying everywhere.
  • People will freak out seeing their arses on the floor and most will probably stop laughing out of sheer shock.
  • Others will laugh harder and risk death.
  • Hysterics will cause a mad scramble for butt cheeks.
  • Some of us with small arses might use this as an opportunity to steal a bigger one.
  • Those with slightly bigger arses might have some difficulty prying them from the cracks, caused when they hit the ground.
  • And those with major booty might never get their arses back, depending on the depth of the crater they caused.
  • Hopefully this anomaly of ass-falling wouldn’t happen when there is a huge gathering of people, for who really knows what their arse look like?  Except maybe Nicki Minaj and Beyoncé.
  • Once the fighting is over and we all know who’s the bigger ass, the butt cheeks would have to be refitted.  Presumably by an ass-attacher.  Or butt kisser.

During the ensuing hysterical chaos in the car, Dad took a tad longer at the STOP sign.  It’s rather difficult to see through tear-filled eyes and operating a stick is somewhat problematic when your whole body is shaking from cracking up severely.  In the three milliseconds it took me to move my SUV, this lady hooted at me for taking my time.  She managed to drain the humour right out of my soul.

Thinking about it, the fact that she hooted disqualifies her from being called a lady.  That and the fact that she must have been 104, allows me to call her an impatient, old hag.

So I proclaimed my shock at this impatient, old hag stuck on her hooter.  We all looked at her intently, as we passed her vehicle slowly.  It was our own drive-by viewing.  Dude then added dryly:

“Wow, man she’s so old, she must be farting dust.”

And the five of us exploded all over again.  It was a laughing fit that entered the realm of ridiculousness.  Fortunately I was close to the school and dumped them a few minutes later.  They were still talking about farts.  I was still laughing.

I managed to recover in the next fifteen minutes before I had to enter the place where grown-ups spend their day.  People would have been concerned about my mental state if I had to walk in with such a happy face.

But I was still snickering inside.  About farts and asses…how grown up am I?

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9 thoughts on “Farts and Arses are things teenage boys talk about

  1. Pingback: Things Not to do on a Long Drive with Children | Pepper Connection

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