Why I’m single

Don’t worry.  I’m not.  Single.  I recently read that one of the secrets to a good blog would be a catchy title for every post.  I thought I’d give it a try.  Do you agree?

Now that the blood pressure of my long-time followers returned to normal, please note that I’m still ecstatically, happily married to the most beautiful woman on the planet.  And truth be told, if Earth is the only place where one would find women, then the Wife would qualify as the most amazing one in the universe.   Besides, the current Miss Universe competition is a farce.

I think it is a little arrogant when a handful of semi-achievers are able to judge a few chicks in bikinis and a prom dress and then proclaim one of them to be the most beautiful person in the Universe.  Do they realise how small earth is, in comparison with, I don’t know…the rest of space?  This is one of the reasons why I fear an alien-invasion.  They make earthlings seem really arrogant and way too cocky.

Now that I feel better, let’s get back to me NOT being single.

Jimmy Fallon invited his Twitter-followers on Valentine’s day to give reasons why some of them are still single. They even had to #hashtag their reasons with a promise of it being used on the show.  That sounds like a great idea, does it not?  Let’s motivate lonely people to proclaim their reasons for failing at social interaction and make a day celebrating love even more miserable.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand that finding love is extremely difficult and not everyone is fortunate enough to catch an angel and then miraculously persuade them to marry you.  Let’s face it, God was in happy place when he made the Wife.   I’m a lucky man and hit the jackpot with my partner.  Being single is not necessarily a life-choice, but if two whateveryawannacallthems like Kim and Kanye can find one another, then the reasons for being single becomes somewhat diluted.  You are running out of excuses.

Here are 10 plausible reasons why you end up alone in bed, not counting the empty bottle of wine…

  1. If the relationship doesn’t work, you have a tendency to write a hit song about it and blame the other person.
  2. You’re a female and thus have boobs to play with, in other words a self-sufficient date.
  3. As a choice of companion you actually prefer the bottle of wine instead of the ruthless female who ripped out your heart and fed it to the dogs.  I get that.
  4. You’re fugly. Sorry, someone needs to say it to your face; so lose some weight, take a shower and shave.  And put on a dress, it won’t kill you.
  5. You’re still singing “Let it Go” and worse, you enjoy every moment doing so.
  6. You call your new PS4 remote your Pleasure Pad or something even more personal and disgusting and spend days participating in a war. That. Doesn’t. Exist.
  7. You compulsively post every minute of your boring life on Facebook.  Stop it.  You make me want to vomit.
  8. You consider the wedding of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian the greatest human achievement since the discovery of penicillin.
  9. You still live with your parents.  And No, it’s not considered acceptable if you are a 38-year-old male with a job.
  10. You’re an absulote a-hole/bitch and unfortunately there is no cure for narcissism.  And we sincerely apologize for being less interesting than your own reflection.

Now go out there and have your heart broken. I’m leaving.  Gonna kiss my gorgeous Wife.


12 thoughts on “Why I’m single

  1. Sorry to burst your bubble- been there, done that, prefer to be single. And did I mention that my furkids make an awesome cuddle buddy and I get to have the bed to myself? and man- the only crap I have to put up with is myself and my family (because we simply can’t choose them) and what I get paid to put up with.

    hehehe 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Blog post of the Week | An Unkept Mind

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