50 Shades of Crap (and now there’s a movie!)

Since my exposure to all the brilliant stories on this blogging site, my disgust of bad literature has increased exponentially. I have come to appreciate the ability some unpublished writers have at crafting a piece of art that not only blows my mind, but feeds my soul.  In some cases giving me an hysterical outburst, snorting coffee all over my keyboard.

I therefore loathe people who are able to sell millions of books that contains utter crap.  And in the bottomless pit of disgraceful literature, lies the atrocity that is “50 Shades of Grey”.  And I’m being kind.  To call this a novel would imply that I consider it equal to other books that was written by actual authors.  If I do that, the Great Writers will rise from the dead, hunt me down and kill me, so I am not going to call this a novel again.imagesCA0JYIDL

Do I consider myself an esteemed writer, one that is worthy of criticizing another person’s effort? No I certainly don’t, but someone needs to speak out.  And besides I’m writing this because I can.  I must admit I do feel a bit stupid for not having the foresight of jotting down my own sexual fantasies in chronological order, without any consideration or effort to make it at least somewhat interesting.  Just imagine, I could have sold movie rights by now.

I tend to follow best seller lists and in doing so discovered numerous great novels which I probably wouldn’t have found otherwise.  There are great trilogy’s that’s loved by many people, like the Millennium trilogy (Girl with the Dragon tattoo being the first one) and the Hunger Games trilogy.  I even enjoyed Harry Potter.  So when people started talking about this book, I didn’t even consider that 70 million people can be SO wrong.  And they were.  Very wrong.

This book singlehandedly altered how I buy books.  I blatantly refuse to jump on the populist book-wagon again.  I’m so afraid I’ll end up at the bottom of the cliff of disappointment, with all my trust in humanity shattered beyond repair.  Again.

I read the book quite a while ago, but the latest hoo-hah and a lot of ah-haa’s about the movie and expected sequels, has sparked the need to post this again. We need to get one thing straight.  This is not just controversial subject matter, this is PORN. And it’s not even good porn. It’s eighties porn, where the two characters appear on-screen with a lame excuse to have sex. (At least that’s what my friends tell me…)

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

At least there’s no licking…

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

Oh shit, there is…

The book and movie is a collection of poorly described sex scenes, spaced between eating, showering, dinner parties, work and descriptions of how Christian’s jeans fit.  Nothing else happens besides flying and bondage!  And just to get to the required quota of pages, the writer (I’m gonna be sick) adds page after page after page of text messages exchanged between the two dimensional leads.

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

Oh no they didn’t…they copied Titanic.

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

And Pretty woman…bastards…

If I ever read the words “oh my”, “baby” or “my inner goddess” again I will explode.  Seriously.  My internal organs will lie scattered on the pavement.

Some people claim that it has generated positive awareness of sex, not seen since the seventies.  As a man nothing could make me happier.  Men love sex.  We basically don’t think of anything else.  It’s our domain.  But why would anyone create a male character that is so farfetched it forces me to consider Middle-Earth as my next holiday destination.  It seems less ridiculous.  The writer (I want to be sick again) said she based the books on some of her own fantasies.  Her poor husband, how inadequate must he feel?

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

How did they find this clip of me?

Christian Grey is the weakest written character since Barney the fucking Dinosaur.  This woman considered every known word that would compliment a male and then stuffed them all in one paragraph and BOOM! Christian Grey was born.   And then she tried to make him more human and sympathetic by adding a few bad ones.  You know the prostitute mother, kinky sex and a fear of anyone touching his chest.

50 Shades of Grey GIFs

And they’ve included a scene for the guys…

And why does Ana Bella appear in this book again?  I thought she turned into a shining, super powered vampire who doesn’t consume human blood.  Didn’t the lady notice that her character was already used in another blood suckingly bad trilogy?  At least that one had some weird-looking cult wanting to kill them.  That’s an idea.  Kill them.  Both. Christian and Ana, but do it slowly.  (Maybe she did, I see there’s two more Greys out there.)

Have we become so lazy as an audience that defining a good book would be:

  1. Create superhero like character
  2. Add insecure brown, stubborn, white  girl
  3. Let them have sex.
  4. Let them eat.
  5. Let them work.
  6. Repeat steps 3-5 until you reach 500 pages.
  7. Let the poor girl walk out.
  8. Write a sequel.

Because. That. Is. What happens. In this piece. Of trash.  I am going to vomit now.  Excuse me.

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12 thoughts on “50 Shades of Crap (and now there’s a movie!)

  1. Pieter check out Tara sparling writes. She writes all about the vomitous crap out there right now. Personally, I’m working on a new book I call “50 shades of Hunger”, which I’m planning to turn into a crappy trilogy, but also doubles as a self-help diet book. I’ll make a million.

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  2. Well said.I just can’t understand that women can swoon about this type of sexual abuse,especially in an era where we are working to put women’s rights straight.Now women are codoning this kind of behaviour enmasse by drooling over this book and the movie.The book was so badly written,that I threw it down after three chapters.

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  3. I didn’t read it because a) writer friends of mine were ridiculing it so much I couldn’t bring myself to waste my time and b) I have an aversion to bestseller lists. This does mean that I miss out on some of the good stuff. But it also means that when I DO find it again years later I have the joy of making my own discoveries free from hype. Oh and c) I have no aversion to reading good set but this is too much about abuse. Not BDSM.

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