We were late as usual. If we were not, then it would be a feature on an episode of the Twilight Zone, for that would be a surreal occurrence. “Lateness implies greatness”, I say as a father who has lost the fight with his family’s concept of time.
We were racing to the funeral of a distant relative who shared ±15% of my blood. God rest her soul. I hate funerals, as they are always about death and loss and tragedy. Depressing stuff. We only went because my parents expected us too and being kids of the eighties, we understand that it is reason enough. My sister and her boyfriend sat in the back as we drove to the next town where the coffin was waiting.
On the way there, I exceeded the speed limit which is something that never happens to me. *insert cough* A guy in uniform jumped out from whatever place the piece of s… the law enforcement officer was hiding and flagged me down. I dropped a little something as I pulled over to the side of the road.
As the officer of doom walked towards my car, a few things were spinning through my mind… I was in a hurry. I didn’t want to pay another fine. I wasn’t in the mood for the funeral. I didn’t like my sister’s boyfriend. I should’ve worn that other tie. My wife looks really hot in black…
“Sir, do you know you were speeding? ” was the question that brought me back to my little predicament.
The four of us were dressed in black and looked relatively solemn. I was wearing a pair of shades as the African sun can cause havoc on the eyes. The stage was set and I decided I was going to break a leg, figuratively off course. Causing excessive bodily harm is still a crime in our country.
“I know sir but we are attending a funeral of a very close family member and I am a bit emotional. I was lost in thought and neglected to check my speed. I am truly sorry and under normal circumstances I’m a very cautious driver. It is just a very difficult day for all of us.” said I in the most grief stricken voice I could muster. I even layered my performance with a few subtle sobs here and there.
“I am so sorry to hear that sir. Please go, but be sure to drive more carefully.” Was the officer’s very uncomfortable reply. He obviously haven’t seen a lot of grown men cry. He waved me off.
I was as shocked as anyone in the car but didn’t hesitate to get out of there quickly. The wife didn’t even snort at my comment about being a cautious driver. My sister broke the silence hanging in the air after we were moving again.
“I didn’t realise you were so close to our aunt.”
“I’m not”, I revealed and removed my spectacles as I turned around. Even though it sounded like I was sobbing uncontrollably a few minutes before, my eyes were not even moist. I must admit, is it not one of my proudest moments as a human being and lying about your grief must be like kicking puppies, but this one was worthy of an Oscar.
The wife was amazed at my acting ability and she’s probably wondering what else I’m faking now. The four of us were laughing all the way to church. Well, actually only three of us were laughing, as the boyfriend didn’t have a sense of humor which was the reason why I didn’t like him.
Seeing that I’m confessing… I never flashed my boobs for the cop. But only because I don’t have any…