This is going to blow your mind, especially as it is written by a person who has been tweeting for more than two years. It’s written by a person who is extremely unknown, the opposite of a celebrity. It’s a dad who has tried everything known to the human race to increase the people clicking the follow button on that god-forsaken-blue-bird-of-a-social-platform Twitter; except posting naked pictures of himself. (I know that’s never gonna work, I’ve seen myself naked.)
After countless trials and tribulations, not to mention the feelings of neglect and insecurity, I think I finally have it all worked out. I now have an impressive (and I don’t mean to brag) following of 40. I must admit, I used to have 43, but my kids decided to unfollow me. Yes, I know I only have two. Weird. They are grounded. For life.
Based on the statistics proivded I consider myself an expert on how one must go about in order to halt, or even reduce a following on Twitter.
You might feel deceived by the post, expecting an apbiphamy provided by the Oracle of Tweets. BUT stay with me, I have more to share. Here is my reasoning…
It is actually quite simple. If I were to jot down everything I’ve tried and you do the exact opposite of what I did, then the results should be different too. BAZINGA! Isn’t man-logic a wonderful thing? (Sorry ladies it comes with testosterone.) These are the things you should NOT do.
- Find a catchy #hashtag/twitter name like mine #justsaying.
- Link to all your blog posts. Sometimes even link more than once.
- Be funny, or at least attempt to be funny.
- Comment on current events.
- Don’t comment on current events.
- Follow funny people like Robin Williams.
- Be random in the things you tweet about.
- Retweet funny people like Bill Murray or any SNL writer.
- Place a hashtag in front of every word you are using, even though they count as characters and it doesn’t make any sense.
- Except that one-liners are not your thing and stick to blogging. Except that people don’t find you interesting and doesn’t really care what’s happening in your life. Take comfort in the fact that there are a few people who follow your blog. Don’t threaten people (more specifically the friends of your teenage kids) to follow you. It is not cool and you will come off as desperate, especially if you nag/sob/offer your car. They still won’t care and won’t follow. You might even scare them a little, especially the girls. (Oh wait this is not a tip, it’s a confession.)
In the end I think the main reason for my limited success on Twitter would be the fact that it’s not connected to my Facebook account. I like the anonymity of it. And if I said it once, I’ll say it again…
I’m on WordPress as my family is on Facebook. I don’t earn enough money to pay for the inevitable lawsuits.