I’m back from my two weeks of bliss, but decided to restrain myself and not rub the awesomeness in the faces of those less fortunate than me. And with “those” I’m referring to the residents of countries in the grip of winter.
Moving on to more pressing matters.
The new year arrived last night with a big bang. It’s probably more accurate to say it was a series of big bangs. Enough to convince me there was a give-away of fireworks so that we can all celebrate the turning of the hourglass with a re-enactment of the battle of Gettysberg. Or D-day. (I’ve included these references as the Battle of Bloedrivier would mean nothing to my non-South African followers.) Just imagine a cacophony of a million loud and incredibly close displays of colour that goes off randomly. And a whole neighbourhood of canine citizens going ballistic.
2014 is no more. It’s done and dusted. It had a few twitches in the last minutes but eventually it became still. Only to be bombarded with the birth of a new year. And due to the fact that I’ve already transgressed on one of my resolutions, which was to be a better neighbour, I decided to flip the tables and draft a list of new years resolutions of things I do NOT want to achieve during 2015. Call it my anti-resolutions. A fucket list. It’s easier to commit to things you don’t want to do.
1. I do NOT want to gain any more weight. The wife is already illegally married to 20 kg of me, which is actually great, as I’m great. So she’s fortunate to be surrounded by more greatness. Besides, being forty implies that the human metabolism becomes a myth and weight you add by consuming wine, red meat and pasta dishes tend to stay for longer periods of time. Who am I kidding? They take permanent residence and you can never really get rid of the damn squatters. (Unless you do some squats yourself.)
2. I do NOT want to have any more kids. Calm down people, I love mine. My own. The ones I had since birth. The ones where the wife taught me patience and understanding and taught them not to wet themselves. This holiday proved that I have lost that ability to communicate with very small human beings. And I don’t mean midgets, I mean toddlers. Now we just look at each other and they drool and I try not to.
3. I do NOT want to sky-dive or bungy jump or do anything that would put my life under unnecessary or serious risk. I don’t intend to cause myself any bodily harm because it hurts when that happens. Besides I love myself too much and the Wife will kill me if I do.
4. I do NOT want to stop blogging. It might be obvious but you have to understand if I ever did stop, (may I get paper cuts on all ten fingers if that happens) it would imply that I would need to get a life. A real one which might result in an actual confrontation with humans, having to do actual work when I’m at work or even stranger things, like having to put on some pants now.
5. I do NOT want to cry in public when I’m watching movies like ET or Big Hero Six or Toy Story 1,2 and 3. (Who am I kidding, that’s never gonna happen…as Disney is just one cruel son of a bitch.)
6. I do NOT want to get another ticket for speeding as that experience shortens my life and gives me a profound insight into my own existence and provides a self-awareness to the fact that I actually do hate certain members of the human population.
7. I do NOT want to catch Ebola for that shit can kill you. I’m relatively comfortable that I should be safe, as long as I don’t visit certain countries in West Africa, the USA and Britain.
8. I do NOT want to miss another episode of the Big Bang Theory or Game of Thrones. Both of these series have content that speaks to my soul. Elements of violence, sex, politics, dragons, Misa, humour, Penny, a few nerd references and a lot of superhero lingo. Make sense, does it not?
9. I do NOT want to miss one day where I will show my unconditional love for the amazing friend I have, who happens to love me slightly less than I do her. Who has partnered with me in life and has given me two of the most exhilarating, roller coaster rides I’ve ever had. Two gifts that keep on giving. Born from a mutual and undying love. And most of my genes.
10. I do NOT want to miss one moment of life. One moment where I embrace it. May I choose to view every good or bad thing that might happen this year as a lesson in being happier. May I have opportunities to become a better father to the two creatures living with Wife and I, and who’s slowly turning human and whom I love more than myself.
11. I do NOT want to set the house or myself or any of my family members or friends or specific materials things on fire. Not that there is any risk of that happening, I don’t have an arson fetish but felt I had to end with something I can easily NOT achieve. And I ran out of ideas.
Let’s forget the countless issues and problems we faced in 2014, (unless they’re still valid, like bad debt or if you killed someone and are still on the run…) but for the most part, let’s let bygones be bygones. Let the past remain where it is. Forgive a few people if you need to. Slap a few others if you have to. Shout at the mirror if it will make you feel better.
But let us rather embrace the new year like a boxer in a ring, with our fists raised, gloves on, our feet shoulder width apart and knees slightly bend; ready for attack. Let’s chase up the stairs like Rocky and raise our arms when we reach the top, then do a very un-masculine little dance on the beat of our own personal anthem.
Bottom line, let’s beat the shit out of 2015.