Stuff Atkins full of protein and let’s send Olivia Newton-John to hell with all her spandex and aerobics exercises. Forget about high carbs, low carbs, no carbs or counting carbs. Forget everything you’ve ever known about weight loss, for I’ve discovered the secret to genuine success. I was able to lose almost 2kg in only two days…without any exercise. But wait, there’s more! Not only does my diet not require any exercise, wait for it…wait for it… you have to sit down!
For it’s all about the bowels on this one…
I had a stomach bug last week, hence my sole posting. It’s ironic, as that one post last week, may have mentioned how some men get quite pathetic when they fall victim to illness and disease. I proved that theory to be absolutely, 100% true, so I got me some instant karma.
This specific diet/bug/disease forces you to lose all the food you may have consumed very quickly. There is no time for your body to absorb any fat from that big piece of chocolate cake you just ate. One moment your taste buds are still having a frat party, only having your bowels call the cops and dump the full content a few moments later, without prior warning, I might add.
Leaving behind an odour that would make Zombies vomit.
Technically there is a distinct 3-step warning system between the point of (1) Tasting food and (2) Squirting food.
In the first step your intestines pull together with so much force that the resulting pain makes you wonder at what point did the Hulk used them as a punching bag. (One almost feels sorry for Loki.)
Then your stomach turns with so much velocity that you suddenly realise that you need to make it your lives mission to find the nearest loo. You will shove kids, geriatrics and dogs out of the way as you run like a crazed lunatic, fearing for the possibility that you might be too late.
But it’s only when you’re safely seated that you realise the severity of the situation, as your whole digestive tract shakes and shiver uncontrollably and you release. It’s out of your hands now, and the only thing you can do is to make sure you don’t pass out.
Princess was struck down with the same condition as me, and both of us ended up staying at home for our sick-day last week. I did what I could with the energy I had, but in the end my parental skills suffered defeat. I basically proved how useless I actually can be when I’m sick. I tried to help her, but in the end my efforts of playing nurse might as well be compared to this.
Or if you bother listening to her recounting the events of that fateful day, it’s actually more like this:
She complained to her Mom that I didn’t even bother getting up from the coach once, which is a lie, in my humble opinion, as I remember distinctly how I was running between stations trying my utmost not to ask for a nappy. Eventually I lost so much fluids, my heavily dehydrated body might have resulted in me looking a bit lethargic. I went from thinking I was going to die, to wishing I would.
The worst part of the whole experience was when food lost it’s appeal and you haven’t eaten for 36 hours, but your body still has the ability to instigate a sensation that would be best described as:
Making you run again and again like a headless chicken, achieving success by making the seat in time, only to be left with this.
If only Nicki was there to do what she does so well…
She wasn’t, so I was forced to sit through everything. I had to battle the demons of the stomach bug all on my own.
After three days I eventually stopped feeling like someone was kicking me in the stomach.
Another two days and the bug moved on to its next victim and I could do my happy dance without any fear of having a little accident.
Albeit two kilograms lighter.