Men are dirty. That was myth 1 in an article I read over the weekend with the inspiring title of “Men 101 – Understanding the Opposite sex”. It was utter crap.
Even crap can be fascinating, as evident from this piece of tripe that enlightens its readers about the fact that modern men are Neanderthals and we find woman by hitting them over the head with a club (at a club), drag them to our man-caves, where we expect food and fornication for the rest of our lives.
“Hey you. Me like you. Hips wide. Hair long. Berries…Nice and big. Me hit you now. You fall. Me drag bitch home. Then me want food. And sex. You will like. Very much.”
An article that has audacity, the size of Kim Kardashian’s butt, to defame males in this way, begs reaction. To add insult to injury, it has the balls to provide “scientific proof” of these myths, or insults to all humans who have the ability to grow a beard and have a pair.
This piece of garbage was an urgent call to defend the male specie. An intervention if you like. And Ah Dad… will heed the call, I will take up my armour and face the giant with my trusty keyboard and blessed anonymity.
Don’t worry men, I’ve got your back. I will ensure that people do not remain ill-informed about the complexities of men. I will share my wisdom and conquer ignorance, redeeming males from the disastrous generalization that we are merely apes with urges. This profound enlightenment might even lead to more sex for me. Or less. Anyhow, I’ll tell like it is.
“Me man. Me write blog. Then me wants beer. And woman.”
Myth 1: Men are dirty – Utter tripe. There are moments when some guys in the company of other guys, consider a quick swim cleanliness, like when we go camping or fishing. Most men however, try and run through a shower at least once a day. The major difference is that men don’t consider getting clean as having to soak for 2,35 hours in a sordid pool of your own filth, amongst a heap of bubbles that’s hiding all the fun parts.
Myth 2: Men always wants to watch football – False. Most of the times we watch rugby over here, for our national team can’t spell the word football, never mind attempting to play the game. Besides there is cricket. And golf. And Formula 1. And Ping-Pong. And Woman’s league beach volleyball. So men enjoy a variety. Of sport.
Myth 3: Men drive too fast – Granted, this is probably a semi-truth. The reason for driving at the speed of light is because we are always in a hurry. And the reason why men are always in a hurry is because we are always late. And the reason why we are always late is because we have the wonderful opportunity of having to wait anxiously for our lovely wives as they get themselves
pretty ready. Proof of our evolution resides in the fact that we don’t say anything in those moments when we want to kill ourselves or throw the car over the fence.
Myth 4: Men always think about sex – Not true. Theory states that men think about sex every seven seconds, which is obviously not all the time. The rest of the time we think about food and sleep. I reckoned that means we’re nicely balanced. By the way, are we on? If not, I’m hungry.
Myth 5: Men like to fight – Only true if you look like the Rock or have some cage fighting ability. Or maybe if you’re a Ninja. Or if you can run faster than the guy you’re planning to sucker punch. Most men are not stupid and won’t start a fight if the odds of losing is high. Must admit, we tend to exaggerate our own strength, speed and skill when we become enhanced versions of ourselves. Especially when those enhancement comes courtesy of alcohol or friends with alcohol.
Myth 6: Men never want to talk – Especially if is about that weird thing some people call emotions or feelings. Or in cases where we enter an argument that we know we will never win, for the male memory chip doesn’t allow us to remember stuff that happened 14 years ago. We format too frequently. We prefer to just shut up.
Myth 7: Men fear commitment – That BS. You know how long I’ve had my college t-shirt? Many decades, and I still need to protect it with my life as the wife wants to chuck it every so often. Who cares if it’s faded, stretch and have weird stains? We don’t chuck our kids when they become a little bit awkward, now do we? You can’t even take them to a pawn shop and trade them for cash when they soil their pants or demand food constantly. At least not the four I’ve tried so far.
Myth 8: Men are not attentive – Another piece of trash. Have you ever seen a man watching television? Have you seen how attentive he is, how he is able to follow anything on the tele? Even an advert provides more than enough stimulation to keep us glued to the screen, without hearing anything else. Like the roof being blown off by a twister or the kids killing one another. That’s our level of attentiveness, our focus, we zone in completely.
Myth 9: Men never ask for help – Wiser words has not been spoken. Men never ask for help because we don’t need help. We know everything. We can do everything. Me man. And if we don’t know, we use Google. Or Wikipedia.
Myth 10: Men have no toilet manners – Seriously? Guys poop. Girls poop. Guys wipe themselves. Girls too. We use a toilet roll in exactly the same way. We flush. Sometimes, especially early in the morning, we pee-pee like girls. Most of the time men prefer to stand whilst relieving ourselves and then we might forget to put the seat down. (which does not constitute the end of the world ladies!) The only argument for men not having toilet manners would be the fact that we don’t try and kill the crappy odour with a spray-can of Strawberries-and-Cream because that is just. Plain. Disgusting. Male noses can’t handle that combined aroma, it’s like wanting to eat an egg-plant and peanut-butter sandwich. It may sounds tempting, but it’s not.
Myth 11: Men show off around woman – Only the second truth on the list, albeit a sad one. Especially amongst the younger versions of our gender. Observe any crowd where males and females mingle and eventually one douche will act like a dufus, signalling all the other testosterone filled vessels of lust, that it is time to move in. I feel sorry for girls, and that’s why Princess is going to a convent.
Myth 12: Men are pathetic – That is a bit harsh, is it not? Even though it is semi-true, especially when we’re sick, with a serious condition like a paper-cut or a throat-infection or (and spare me the vicious suffering) the common flu.
In the end, men are men. Proud, stubborn, rough, strong, protective, rugged, intelligent, handsome, romantic, loving, caring… (I might be getting carried away here…) Bottom line, women need us. Men might need them more, for we don’t know how to operate the washing machine or pack a dishwasher. Or give birth. But the fact remains, we need each other. And I love you and you love me and together we’re a happy family. (You sang that didn’t you? Frigging dinosaur…) And it works. Most of the time.
Must admit, I’m very relief and probably overjoyed that humanity still requires sperm to make babies…