As 80% of my followers originate from that big, pink country on the top left side of my world map, I’ve decided to go there.
Wouldn’t that statement be wonderful, if it was true?
It’s only a half-truth. Like me saying I’m ecstatic about the sentencing of Oscar Pistorius today. The only thing I’m excited about, is the fact that it is over and I can get my Twitterfeed back. #OscarTrial didn’t do me any favours, thank you very much.
Truth is, I AM coming to America, getting on a jet plane this week. *Insert numerous jumping high-fives with self* If not to meet all the nice folk who’s following my blog in the US of A, but for the purpose of earning a salary. I’ll be visiting New York and a few other less important places, like Houston and Washington D.C.
There is a number of things I would like to do, whilst spending some time in the land of the free, which ironically, is exactly the opposite of the place where Oscar will be spending some time. The poor guy didn’t land on his feet after all. (That might be uncalled for, but as he just made a joke of the South African justice system, I consider it open season on anything that moves or hide behind a door.)
Anyhow, here are ten things I want to do in the US and I’ve limited the chosen activities to the cities I will be visiting.
1. Attend a stand-up show at the Gotham Comedy Club in New York. Because the combination of a superhero reference and stand-up has to be, as scripted by Macklemore: “F*cking Awesome”. (I didn’t realise I have just excluded Oscar again, as I’m wanting to see someone do stand-up. *ta-doosh!*)
2. Punch Mickey Mouse in the face because he has always been mean to Donald Duck. And he get’s away with it every time. I know the Duck has anger issues, but who gives Mickey the right to walk around like a douche without a shirt, airhead Minnie attached to the hip, like some mice-groupie, all big-eared and thin-tailed. And besides, who gives a Duck? The poor thing has been without pants for decades, an act of desperation, screaming for someone to help him.
3. Figure out what’s hip and happening in Baltimore. Because I have to.
4. Buy a Cowboy hat in Houston, walk into a bar and shout “Hee-hah” and then proceed to show them people of Texas an example of what “big” really is. Do the people of Houston still say “Hee-hah?” I’m not sure but will be able to confirm this next week, with or without a swollen eye and broken jaw.
5. Try and find out what’s the story behind a place called “The White House”, which seems a bit racist, for rumour has it, a black dude is living there now. Maybe I’ll grab a beer with the owner, if he’s not too busy waging war or anything. I wouldn’t want to impose.
6. Look for that tablet in the Smithsonian that brings everything to life, because who wouldn’t want to hook up with Amy Adams in costume.
7. Use the subway system of New York, as I have never had the honour of sitting in a pool of someone’s urine, fighting off a mugger for my worthless SA currency, all whilst watching another man fake-vomit, in an attempt NOT to help me.
8. Run through Central Park at the crack of dawn, as it is the only place on earth where people run for miles and still manage to look as fresh as a daisy. I’m hoping for a double bonus, in that Amy will pitch and ask me “How do you know?” in song.
9. Walk around the streets of Houston in my astronaut costume, stopping random people and whisper to them: “Houston, I think I’ve got a problem.”
10. Then, if I’m not admitted, drink a bottle of South African wine whenever I can find one, because…Well, does one really need a reason? It’s just that good.
And then obviously. Do some work.