I found a jelly bean in my bag of jelly babies, therefore I’m convinced the world has gone to shit.
Everything is upside down, inside out. At some point we understood the world. Things made sense, like gravity and woman. Certain things was never debated like the fact that Brazil could play football or MTV played music videos. The best televisions shows were scripted ones. There was a time before Miley Cyrus became a whore. But now…
Don’t patronise me, it’s not JUST candy. The only common denominator of these two things would be their range of colours. That. Is It. Oh, and they’re both made of sugar.
So when you find the one in a bag of the other, it’s proof that the world doesn’t make sense anymore. I feel like Mother Earth left me alone and went binge drinking with the Man on the Moon. Lying somewhere in a pool of her own vomit. It’s the apocalypse knocking on my front door.
Okay, I might be overreacting. Give me a minute whilst I perform an Oprah. Which is an exercise where you find a quiet corner, search for your peaceful center, feed that part of you, let it grow and fill your soul.
I’m back. I’m calm. I found my center, fed it, allowed it to grow and fill me, which sounds kind of disgusting and x-rated, in a way.
Let me be Frank, as being Pieter all the time gets a bit tedious, *ta-doosh* it’s not like I don’t like jelly beans, I just like jelly babies more. They’re soft and squishy and you can have little conversations with them and make them do all kinds of stuff with one another. Jelly beans are just hard and boring and without any character. The only thing they good for, besides eating, is sorting them into different colours. Like LEGO only without the ability to build anything.
After I found and allowed my center to grow, I realised there has to be a perfectly good reason why I would find a jelly bean in the wrong place. With that new perspective, I don’t have to give up my will to live and hide under a table, covered in a blanket, like the Wife does when a bat decides to visit. I can face the world, because here are a few of the reasons why one would find a jelly bean in bag of jelly babies…
1. Someone had a bad day. An average Joe working at the jelly baby factory. Maybe he was cut off by another lunatic driver on his way to work. Maybe he didn’t get any the night before. Maybe his umbrella didn’t open in a thunderstorm. And as a result of a miserable experience he thought he might as well ruin another person’s day as well, so he slipped a bean. It’s his way of getting back at Karma. Obviously not understanding what a OMG-moment it would be for me, when I open the packet.
2. Someone is a moron. I’m trying to use tact. I’m assuming the supervisor responsible for verifying the delicate art of packing jelly babies looked away for a second. Maybe he sneezed. Maybe he tweeted. Point is, he was oblivious to the mindless idiot who cock-up and slip that bean. The worker in question had no appreciation for the importance of his job and didn’t even consider that his oversight might create a panic attack in the life of the person who buys jelly babies. Those who depend on them.
3. Someone is a sadist. As they are everywhere. People who knowingly screw around with another person’s expectations. A person who consciously understands how disastrous it would be for me to find that one slipped jelly bean. Finding a twisted level of gratification out of the idea that someone might have a fit that would last him forty lifetimes. Most probably breaking in a devilish laugh as he purposefully destroys the perfect bag of jelly babies.
4. Someone just hates jelly babies. And those people should be shot. It’s a conspiracy where someone are deliberately contaminating bags of jelly babies with one single jelly bean, so that people, like me, would be hesitant in buying another bag. Creating an ungrounded fear of finding more of these unpleasant surprises, thereby ruining the whole jelly baby industry. Leaving me with the possible future of no jelly babies…*insert heart palpitations, sweaty palms and severe sobbing*
And you know what is the worst thing about finding that single frigging jelly bean?
Chances are, 10 to 1, that it will be a black, liquorice flavoured one. It’s common knowledge that people who prefer the taste of liquorice also kick puppies.
I know, I need counseling.