The naked truth about nude pics

One has to have balls the size of Jupiter’s moons to willingly take naked photo’s of oneself.  I suppose if your balls were really the size of Jupiter’s moons then someone else, i.e Ripley’s would have paid you for the referent pictures. Even though the moon and ball analogy might not work on the ladies, the bottom line remains that it requires a shitload of confidence, like the combined arrogance of the whole cast of Jersey shore AND the Kardashian sisters, to capture a photograph of your smiling face in the nude.

Let’s take a step back.

I am a guy, thus made up of 10% stubbornness and 90% logic and reason.  The Wife might disagree with the ratio, but the fundamental fact remains that everything life throws at men, we try and rationalise.  We’re constantly trying to figure out, make some sense of human behaviour.  Needless to say, we’ve given up on woman, as our efforts are futile due to the presence of a little oddity called “emotion.”

This post is not trying to list the benefits of logic vs emotion, as there are to many, I am merely trying to understand what would posses lovely woman like the ama-zing! Jennifer Lawrence to take naked pics of themselves?  I’m not even going to try and decipher the mind-numbing fact of saving said pictures…For that phenomenon would be like trying to wrap your mind around quantum physics or the Diplodus mating ritual.

Sadly my logic failed me on this one.  Nothing I was able to conjure was satisfying enough to warrant anyone taking such senseless selfie’s.  The best I can do is to provide you my thought process and a half-assed conclusion at the end.  Here’s me trying to figure out why a person would want to position a tripod infront of them, strip and then proceed to shove all your tender and dangly bits in front of the camera.

1. The person in question accepted a ridiculous amount of money from Playboy to have their own spread, taken of them spreading.  It therefore would make sense that such a person would want to test lighting and camera angles with different positions, prior to have some geeky cameraman and a full perving crew, doing it for you.  One might consider that such a trial run is warranted.  I don’t see the Oscar winner doing Playboy anytime soon, at least here’s hoping she doesn’t.

2. Another reason would be if said person would be auditioning for a porn movie, for as some of us know (I’ve been told), that the actors of this specific genre of movies spend most of their time on screen without clothes on.  Maybe it was a requirement of the director to confirm whether the person would be a perfect “fit” for his movie hole.  I mean role.  There’s no real acting required, much like the guys running away from Transformers all the time, unless of course,  you consider making a sex-face, acting.  As our lovely lady has been seen in quite a few high profile roles, I don’t think Katniss would be featuring in “The Hunger Games – Adult edition” anytime soon.

3. A third possibility might be that the person wants to be a contestant on that amazing reality show that no-one cares about called “Naked and Afraid”, which basically throws two people in the middle of some of the biggest dumps on earth and expect them to survive.  Naked.  (No, I’m not making this shit up, people).  Anyhow, taking nude pics of yourself might be a way of mental preparation, a method of boosting your own confidence, seeing as you will basically do everything else in the nude.  Unfortunately some of those people look so bad after the required 21 days, no-one wants to watch them anymore, as they end up looking like wild-lings who was raised by wolves.  Maybe that’s it?  It’s a challenge for her?  No, I don’t think so.

4. Then there is dieting, which is the one thing woman do more often than complain.  Going on an express diet of asparagus seeds and chicken teeth might entice you to get a “before” photo, which would be your proof that starvation actually does result in  weight loss.  With that being said, I doubt the fact that most people who consider the need to lose weight, would actually expose the parts of their body where weight loss will probably NOT occur.  Not even douche bags who pollute Instagram feeds with photo’s of themselves, after throwing around weights, does so in their birthday suits.

5. My final conclusion is one word that has launched a millions stories.  Alcohol.  Or rather the over-excessive consumption of the aforementioned substance.  Intoxication has caused many a victim to do stupid things, only to cause memory loss, effectively wiping any notion of what they did.  It’s actually just the brain’s way of saying he doesn’t want anything to do with whatever  might have happened.  Alcohol consumption forces your brain into hibernation.  So maybe the lady was a little more than tipsy, and thought “Wow, I’m sho shexy?  Wanna shee me naked?  hic.  I meansh who would want to shee me naked?  Hic.  *Insert awkward touching*  Everyone whants to shee me naked.  Ah wait, let me take a shelfie…”  And she obviously forgot to wipe the pics the next day.

And the rest of the story is her unfortunate history.  With that being said, whatever a person’s motivation is for doing stuff in the privacy of their own house, is actually irrelevant.  It’s their own private business and should remain as such.   But can I just say: PLEASE, don’t save your frigging naked pictures on the web!!!

Which got me thinking, I’m off to wipe my phone and delete my I-cloud account.  Just in case.

8 thoughts on “The naked truth about nude pics

  1. What an interesting view into the mind of a man trying to rationalize everything out. I agree with you totally on not being able to understand why anyone would feel the need to take such revealing pix! However, I read only this week that the term “selfie” is actually a redone form of the “self-absorbed,” and I don’t see that scenario in your thought processes here. To take things one step further…we could flip this around and approach it from the other side of the matter….why would anyone feel the need to invade another person’s private files and post them on for the world to see? Therein lies a whole other problem, I think.


  2. Ah Dad, you ass. Never say women complain. If your wife reads it you’re never getting laid again. These are what we call “thinkables”. You can think it, but if it ever comes out of your mouth… Well, I hope you like porn more than you let on.
    If you were as logical as you’d like to believe, you’d understand these things by now.

    And the answer you are seeking is very simple. Jennifer Lawrence has a new movie in the works. Nothing was “hacked”, it was leaked. See what it did? we’re all talking about Jennifer Lawrence. It’s all very logical.


  3. So is this blog supposed to rationalize why you have been searching the web all day for photos of naked Jennifer Lawrence? 🙂 I really think there was not much rational thought when she took that selfie, that’s why she took it. 😀


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