There are several detestable villains on Game of Thrones. George R Martin must have been in a very dark place, like an attic or something, when he conjured some of the characters, doing some of the most inhumane things to other characters. Slicing hands, dicing heads and so it goes. He provided fans with a heap of nightmarish images and a long list of things I could use as threats for the boys who’s going to date my daughter.
Like taking a man, strip him naked, nail him to the ground and allow eight hungry rats to slowly nibble on his tender bits until his white bones are left gleaming in the summer sun. Why eight? I don’t know.
Especially if that man is the traffic cop who pulled me over for speeding earlier today.
I can totally see myself going King Joffrey on his ass.
Being pulled over for speeding must be the worst human emotion that exist. First you have that blood-run-cold feeling when the insane uniformed ass-wipe jumps in front of your car, whilst you’re travelling at high speed. Who does that? You slam the brakes, doing your best to avoid the idiot and park your car 7 miles further down the road, as you’ve been travelling a little too fast. You smile wickedly as the traffic officer waggles over to your car.
As he attempts to carry his obese body to your window, a battle ensues between the good little angel on your left shoulder and the evil red devil on your right. Do you smile like an idiot and charm your way out of it, or do you knock him over whilst opening the door, kick him in the balls when his down, before you speed off like Vin Diesel in that movie(s)?
Friendly or Abrupt? Innocent or crude? Ignorant or aggressive?
Needless to say in that moment my red devil got hold of some illegal substances and was a champion cage fighter. My poor white winged creature never stood a chance. He was left lying in a heap with only one wing attached, a fractured skull and nine broken ribs. I was furious. At karma.
The cop had a cheery “Hello”. The kind of self-centered glee people tend to have when they’ve caught someone in the act of committing a crime. The big sis who desperately wants Mom to catch Phineas and Ferb red handed. I said nothing, glared at him like I was Medusa. He tried again. I still had nothing to say to the man. Stubbornness is a skill.
Captain Obvious informed me that I was speeding. I was somewhat impressed for being able to accelerate to the stated speed from a stationary position, at the stop sign, a mere metres ago. I developed a twitch as a result of my anger for not spotting the cop in the first place. He said I should check the meter reading with him. I wanted to tell him to fuck off. I didn’t. I followed him like a grade scholar on a field trip. I checked the reading, it was a digital 81 km. Evidence.
He wanted me to confirm the reading. I wanted to take the whole camera unit and wipe his face with it. I didn’t. I nodded and went back to my car. He wanted my driver’s licence. I wanted him to drop dead. I handed him my driver’s licence. He went to his vehicle. A sat brewing in my hatred.
He finally arrived with my ticket. He stood at my window, asking me detail that didn’t appear on my driver’s licence. I wanted to grab the pen he was using and jab it in his left eye. I didn’t. I provided him with the detail.
He handed me the ticket. I wanted to shove it up his ass. I didn’t. I scanned it. He said the fine was R400. I yelled: “R400!”
He replied with a subdued “Yes”. And repeated my offense, which was just noting my actual speed compared to the maximum allowed speed limit on this specific stretch of road. I repeated: “R400?” (A little less loud.) He frowned at my confusion and shock. I wanted to drop another f-bomb. I didn’t. I managed a “It’s too much.” through very tight lips.
He said: “Maybe if you got out of the car and walked with me I may have reduced the fine.”
I was having an aneurism. My anger was fuming like Vesuvius. This officer of the law would have taken a bribe. This person who is untrusted with the power of enforcing the law is abusing that sacred power. A frigging bully. He pulled me over for speeding, hoping he would make a quick buck.
I wanted to get out of the car, grab him by his collar, shove him against the bonnet and beat the living shit out of him. I didn’t. I turned my key. He walked away. I wanted to run him over, reverse over his dead body. I didn’t. I drove off and screamed “FUCK!!” to myself. I made a small paper ball out of the ticket, which is still lying somewhere in the back of my SUV. I don’t pay bribes.
I am not capable of doing awful things. I am not capable of hurting someone physically. I am not capable of anything remotely close to the things King Joffrey did in the books. I am, however, capable of imagining a few, very awful things, especially in the darker moments of my life…
At least I feel better. And I’ll probably pay the fine as I was, after all, speeding.
And with that, I think I hate myself a little…