I compiled one for Princess, it only seems fair I do the same for Dude.
He’s getting older, which explains why he suddenly becomes aware of hot girls, dreams about his first kiss and smiles every time he hears the word “boobs”. Technically it’s more than a smile; it’s the same look I get when someone mentions red wine and spaghetti bolognaise.
It’s common knowledge that teenage boys are a bit strange as they have all that testosterone raging through their bodies, giving them wide shoulders, hair in weird places and turns their voices into squeaky toys. Unfortunately the hormone also prohibits them from making proper choices when it comes to members of the opposite sex.
Teenage boys don’t really evaluate girls as potential partners. They are certainly not picky. If it doesn’t smell like a boy, has long hair, can walk with high heels, pull of a dress and is worth looking at, then it’s on. Criteria like intelligence, personality and having a sense of humour never comes to mind, probably due to the inevitable reality of boobs and legs.
Ah Dad therefore has a duty to inform Dude of the possible pitfalls that may lurk within the mind of the inhabitants from Venus. I need to make sure he understands that it’s not just sugar and spice, which make them nice. I’m hoping that these 7 warning signs prevents him from
marrying dating a bitch a less than pleasant girl, causing all shades of crap for me him.
So watch out for:
1. Any girl who enquires about the occupation of your parents, especially if these questions comes up on the first date. She might even have a notepad making quick calculations of income vs. expenses. It’s not that we are embarrassed about our chosen professions; it’s more due to the fact that the girl in question is trying to establish her inheritance. Furthermore confirming the ratio of time she would require to shop vs do other things, directly proportional to your monthly income level.
2. If you consider the girl you date to be hot, whatever specific criteria you use to determine hotness, subtract two points from the scale until after the first date. This is important, for once you know the hot girl can carry a conversation, laugh at your jokes and enjoy a good steak, then you can add five points back and introduce her to your parents.
3. Don’t even bother with a girl who’s wearing more make-up than a drag queen or a performer of Cirque de Soleil. It’s going to save you countless hours of waiting for her to finish whilst you sit in the car, or changing a diaper. It will also prevent you from getting a heart attack when you see her for the first time without make-up, for that’s going to be u-g-l-y. Another indication would be if you find paint stripper in her bathroom cabinet. Of course you have to check her bathroom cabinet, how else would you know if she stock Prozac or cyanide?
4. I have mentioned it before, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is for a girl to have a sense of humour. If she doesn’t have the ability to laugh at herself, then dump her ass, like it is yesterday’s news. Life is certainly not a joyride all the time, so when the going gets tough, the tough needs to be able to find something hilarious so they don’t end up in counselling. You need to laugh often, it will save on your medical bill as it is, after all, the best medicine. If she can’t laugh with you, how do you expect her to get through life? Besides some babies are not born cute, they grow into it. And to survive the process of them growing up, you’ll require a massive sense of humour.
5. If the girl you’re dating considers Syria to be a province in Africa or consider Alaska to be a country, it should be obvious that she will be the first one who gets eaten during the impending Zombie apocalypse. So why waste your time? She’s not marriage material. It’s never wise to marry someone who is going to cause a reversal of the evolutionary process. Humans have come a long way from bein`g monkeys and would you really like your kids to drown in the gene pool?
6. Feminist. *insert shiver* As a progressive male I’m all for equality of woman, and I am convince there are some things woman can actually do better than men. Like washing the dishes, setting a table or falling pregnant. Relax, I’m raising a strong willed daughter and want her to know that she can be strong and independent and achieve anything she puts her mind to, BUT, and it’s a big but, if the lady you’re dating has a hissy fit just because you’ve opened the door for her, or insist on paying for herself every time, then you should, (1) let her pay and (2) leave her. This girl is going to rewrite everything you know about how men should treat woman. Some woman forgot that men were put on earth to treat them like queens, and have huge issues with the height of the proverbial pedestal, we want to put them on.
7. And then THE most important tip, especially in the confusing times we find ourselves in. If the lady you’re dating has broader shoulders, bigger biceps and (the saviour of all single dating men), an Adam’s apple, it implies the lady is not a lady. Irrespective of how provocative her “twins” are or the fact that her slender long legs seems to grow out of her armpits. Learn from my mistakes other people made. Dude, that girl is a dude. Yes, a dude. I know. Just run.
I would like to think that these 7 things would allow you to find a near-perfect partner, as the perfect partner is already mine. Yes, it’s Mom. Complying to this list will also ensure our ability to get along with whoever you might end up one day, for that girl should love us unconditionally. Especially when you finally, and there are certainly NO rush, end up having my grandchildren.
It would be stating the obvious that the girl would want to have kids. And if she doesn’t want children you can put that down as number 8. How else would you experience the luxury of screwing up someone else’s life with the choices that you make? Commonly known as parenting. I need the fulfilment of watching you struggle with the difficult stuff, just like Grandpa is smiling and enjoying mine.
I would suggest that you leave the topic of wanting kids until you consider marriage, which should only occur in your late twenties. Otherwise you might never see her again.