“Dumpeth his arseth!” sayeth the King.

A long, long time ago, in a land far, far away there lived a beautiful Princess.  She had tumbling, blonde curls and the brightest blue eyes anyone has ever seen.  Her laugh could end a thousand wars.  And her stubbornness could start a few hundred more.  Her father, the King (obviously), loved her very, very much and would protect her with his life.  As news of her beauty spread through the land, many suitors dreamed of one day having her hand in marriage.  They all tried in vain to garner some attention.king

One day the street trumpets announced the arrival of another aspiring suitor to win the hand of the Princess.  He was an old customer, a Prince from a foreign land.  But what he lacked in chivalry he made up for in perseverance.  The poor Prince has been trying since he was nine.

Eventually the Princess agreed to the courtship, if only to silence the agonising and pathetic begging from the Prince.  He was ecstatic and brought tons of tokens as proof of his affection towards the Princess.  After a while, low and behold, the Princess even started to like the Prince.  The castle was filled with joy and laughter.

Then the tokens of love dried up.  And the Prince came around less often.  The Princess was worried.  She didn’t waste any time to discus her feelings with the King and Queen in their chambers.  She relayed her concerns and shared her troubled heart.  What if he doesn’t like her anymore?

For the King the solution was an uncomplicated one: “Dumpeth his arseth!” he shouted.  “If he doesn’t maketh thou feeleth special, treateth though liketh the princess ye art, carryeth thou on his hands, then the King sayeth to thou, Dumpeth his arseth!! He is obviously not w’rthy of thou loveth and attention.  Just doeth it.  Dumpeth him.”

The Queen looked nervous and replied carefully: “Mineth loveth, haply we shouldst waiteth until the battleth is won.  ‘Tis a difficult timeth f’r ev’ryone. Leteth’s waiteth a few days.”

The King is passionate, but the Queen is wise.  The Princess agreed to wait the week until she would part ways with the Prince and sent him packing.

Before the week was over, the Princess was distraught once more.  Some of the Ladies of the Court informed the Princess that the Prince was spending time with other woman whilst in battle.  Furthermore information gathered by the city spies indicated that the Prince was telling the Knights of the Round Table that he doesn’t like the Princess anymore.

The Queen was utterly disappointed by the news.  And felt a huge degree of sympathy for the Princess who was sad and frustrated.  The Queen went to her chamber and sat on her bed.  Holding the Princess in a warm embrace she whispered in her ear.  “Dumpeth his arseth.”

And the Princess did as her mother advised.  And she was happy once again.  A huge cloud lifted from the castle and people could hear singing and laughter again.  The Prince left the Kingdom and returned home.  And all was forgotten, until the telegraph arrived…

Sent from the Wicked Witch of the West, who was actually the Prince’s mother in disguise.

She was furious for the betrayal and vicious in her attack of the Princess, whom she blamed for leaving her son in the midst of battle.  And being heartbroken, he moped around, even cried a little.  The Witch ranted and raved at the insensitivity of the Princess for not having any consideration for the feelings of other people.  The witch chose to ignore the fact that her son, the deuche Prince was being a complete dickhead, ogling and chatting to other Ladies of the Court, neglecting the priceless gift he had in his hands.

Upon reading the telegraph the King was fuming smoke from his nostrils as the fury in his heart set alight.  He wished to get on his horse and pluck the Wicked Witch from her high one.  Again the Queen sat down on her throne, calming the demon raging in the soul of the King.  The Royal Chamber hushed with conversations till deep into the night.

Finally, when dawn announced another day, the Queen sent a dove back with a reply, apologizing for the inevitable break-up, confirming allegiance with their Kingdom, but also stating why the Princess decided to end the courtship.  And it was done.

The Princess lived happily ever after, joyously skipping around the halls of the castle.  The King had some wine and watched a new episode of Under the Dome, whilst the Queen, emotionally drained, had a cup of coffee.

Proving once again that is doesn’t help crying when you screwed up a relationship, but more importantly teaches us that if a guy/boy/man/asshole doesn’t make you feel like the Princess, the jewel, the one-and-only woman/girl that you are, you need to DUMP HIS ASS!

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18 thoughts on ““Dumpeth his arseth!” sayeth the King.

    • Yes, long live the King.

      I got information from a very trustworthy source, that the King is ecstatic to have a take-no-nonsense-from-boys daughter. He told me she takes after the Queen.

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      • You also are in good hands with a Queen that knows how to hold you back a bit when you are ready to dash off and “protect” the princess…have to let her handle it to a point first…….don’t worry…there will be times when you need to hop on that horse, grab your lance, and run them through I’m sure…..

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