5 Things I want for Father’s Day

They're mine all mine...My precious.

They’re mine all mine…My precious.

Ah Dad…it is almost Father’s Day.  The one day of the year when the world, or at least non-muslim countries, celebrate the genius that is fatherhood.  When people acknowledge the hard work it takes, raising children whilst watching sport and drinking beer.  At the same time!  Then there is barely time for taking a nap, but being Dads, we know how to make time for the important things in life.

Another great thing about father’s day is gifts.  Receiving them, that is.  Like Christmas day, but better.  For fathers don’t have to run the gauntlet of madness in malls, fighting queues to find toys on promotion, or games we’ve never heard of, or wrapping paper and… Oops…

I meant to say, fathers don’t have to ask “Santa” to bring gifts for their sweet children.

However, in order to lessen the burden on my family, to try and find the perfect gift for a perfect loving father, here’s my wish list.

(My conscience is consistently interrupting my thought process, so I decided to publish the transcript of our conversation whilst drafting said list.  Just be warned, my conscience doesn’t take crap from anyone.  Including me.)

Me: I want an unlimited music collection.

Conscience: You’ve subscribed to http://www.deezer.com.  Over 40 million songs.  And counting.  You will never be able to listen to every single one of the songs streaming from this site.  Thus, you will never have to buy another album until the day you die or as long as you keep the suscription.  Get over yourself.

Me: OK, you’re right.  Then I’ll settle for a long weekend.

Conscience: Well since this year’s fathers day falls smack bang next to National Youth Day here in South Africa, you do realise that it implies there is a public holiday on Monday.  So there, you have your long weekend.  Next.

Me: Fine. I would like a million bucks.

Conscience: If you add up all the money you earn from your monthly salary, you’ll eventually reach a million bucks.  It might take a few years, but still.  Besides if you convert your SA currency to Zimbabwean dollars, you’re already a billionaire in that country.  Moving on.

Me: Dammit.  Then I’ll settle for a sports car, maybe a Ferrari.

Conscience: You’re only allowed to drive 100 km in the province where you live, at most 120 km on the national highway’s.  Your a father which implies you have to be extremely cautious when you drive with your family.  Which is most of the time.  The important factors in choosing a vehicle would be safety, luxury and economic fuel consumption.  Seeing that you botched up on #3, by driving a SUV, at least you’ve got the first two covered.  You’ll never get a Ferrari.  Accept it.  Life is tough.

Me: I hate these discussions.

Conscience: What did you say, smarty pants?

Me: Nothing.  Give me the body of a cover model that requires no maintenance.  Ever.

Conscience: Are you serious?  Let’s analyse this ridiculous request.  You want…the body of a twenty year-old…cover model…who lives in the gym…only eat steak and grass…and probably are still looking for a life partner?  Correct?  Does my skin look blue to you?  Do you think I’m a kind of genie?  I don’t do miracles bro, so get your ass out of bed and do something about it yourself.  And stop drinking wine.  ‘Cause you’re just competing against yourself.

Me: So does this mean I don’t get anything for Father’s Day?

Conscience: Shame.  Let’s face it, what gift would you buy for a Dad, who has everything already, huh?  You have an amazing wife, the best kids in the world and friends to die for.  You live in the most beautiful place on earth, your house aren’t to bad and your job allows you to travel the world.  All your parents are still alive and happy.  Besides, you blog as well.  So what do YOU think?

Me: When you put it that way…I guess I’ll settle for breakfast in bed.  I dare not ask for the ability to fly…

Conscience: That’s more like it.  And about the flying thing, what do you call sitting in a plane?  Now phone your wife and tell her you love her.  And hug your kids, dammit.  Jeez, this is exhausting.

Me: I don’t think I like you very much today.

Conscience: That’s fine, you’ll love me again tomorrow.  You need me.

Me: Shut up.

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27 thoughts on “5 Things I want for Father’s Day

  1. Hahahahah. Great blog. Yep. Some days I don’t like my conscience either….. She stresses me out. I was looking forwards to some tips on what to buy for Dads, but unfortunately all of above recommendations are not within my budget or my abilities 😀 I hope you get big hugs and sloppy kisses on Father’s Day!

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    • I’m sorry to disappoint on the basis of supplying gift ideas. What about a pair of socks? Or a tie? Maybe even a coffee mug? You know what, I’ll just give you one of mine…

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  2. I notice all the gift inserts in the newspaper assume that all fathers need power tools and ladders. Fathers Day gifts should go like this: Years 1-5= a six pack of Beer, Years 5-10= a 12 pack of Beer, Years 10-15= a 12 pack of liters of Beer, Years 20-25 a liver transplant.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Very good. I am thinking perhaps though that you need to be the one to come up with THE LIST. You know what I mean, like the Anniversary LIST…1st anniversary is paper, 2nd is cotton, etc. except of course we want MANLY ideas. Women everywhere would thank you a million times over if you actually gave us a practical list for the men on their day!

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  4. Very good 🙂 My wife is stressing about not having a gift for me and all I want is for us to go for a nice afternoon tea together and be able to go out and watch the rugby today.

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  5. Eh, you’re getting a card. And probably something with a ton of glitter on it that, when opened, will spill all over you, and you will be picking off your body for months to come. Happy Fathers Day!

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      • You are loved. My kids make my husband fathers day cards every year, and my daughter has a little glitter problem…
        But I gave him the extended version of the hobbit (AND watched it with him without falling asleep once), so I totally win.

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      • Wow, you finished the Hobbit? Amazing.

        I took my wife to watch the 1st Lord of the Rings, without divulging that it was the first movie of a trilogy.

        She being used to stuff ending when the credits role looked at me perplexed and said:
        “So what, is this it? He still has the ring.”

        Her head almost exploded when I told her it’s gonna take another two movies for him to get rid of it.

        Needless too say I watch the rest of the AMAZING trilogy on my own and then bought the box set. Maybe one day, when hell freezes over, she’ll join me in watching The Two Towers.

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      • Oh no, honesty is the best policy on that one, I’m afraid. I had to sit through all three of those, AND I sit through them on occasion at home now as well. It’s my own personal hell, but I do it because he loves it so much. Now, had he given me any excuse ( like misrepresenting the trilogy as one movie) he would automatically have been stripped of all future rights to my time.
        I did turn him down when he asked me to read the books. After six thousand pages on the particulars of a tree, I couldn’t take it anymore. Eat it, Tolkien. An Orc is an Orc.

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      • I must admit I could not read the books, for the same reasons you mentioned.

        Maybe my wife doesn’t love me enough to watch it with me…Nah, that’s not it, she just hates Hobbits. And fortunately I don’t look anything like one.

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      • And I must admit that Legolas and whats his face the king are EXTREMELY hot, and Ian McKellen is still hot, even though he is at least a thousand years old. It may not be quite the trial to watch those movies as I make it out to be.

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      • Unfortunately I don’t resemble the two you mentioned either.
        But you must like hairy men, as you referenced Gandalf the Great? And his beard is longer than the Hobbits.

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      • Yeah, I’ve always been into the drum circle acoustic guitar wielding long hair and beard type.
        That’s why I married an academic, with none of these features, except for a very neatly trimmed beard.
        You never know.
        What’s her deal with hobbits? I thought hobbits were supposed to be universally loved. Or something.

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