Ah Dad…it is almost Father’s Day. The one day of the year when the world, or at least non-muslim countries, celebrate the genius that is fatherhood. When people acknowledge the hard work it takes, raising children whilst watching sport and drinking beer. At the same time! Then there is barely time for taking a nap, but being Dads, we know how to make time for the important things in life.
Another great thing about father’s day is gifts. Receiving them, that is. Like Christmas day, but better. For fathers don’t have to run the gauntlet of madness in malls, fighting queues to find toys on promotion, or games we’ve never heard of, or wrapping paper and… Oops…
I meant to say, fathers don’t have to ask “Santa” to bring gifts for their sweet children.
However, in order to lessen the burden on my family, to try and find the perfect gift for a
perfect loving father, here’s my wish list.
(My conscience is consistently interrupting my thought process, so I decided to publish the transcript of our conversation whilst drafting said list. Just be warned, my conscience doesn’t take crap from anyone. Including me.)
Me: I want an unlimited music collection.
Conscience: You’ve subscribed to http://www.deezer.com. Over 40 million songs. And counting. You will never be able to listen to every single one of the songs streaming from this site. Thus, you will never have to buy another album until the day you die or as long as you keep the suscription. Get over yourself.
Me: OK, you’re right. Then I’ll settle for a long weekend.
Conscience: Well since this year’s fathers day falls smack bang next to National Youth Day here in South Africa, you do realise that it implies there is a public holiday on Monday. So there, you have your long weekend. Next.
Me: Fine. I would like a million bucks.
Conscience: If you add up all the money you earn from your monthly salary, you’ll eventually reach a million bucks. It might take a few years, but still. Besides if you convert your SA currency to Zimbabwean dollars, you’re already a billionaire in that country. Moving on.
Me: Dammit. Then I’ll settle for a sports car, maybe a Ferrari.
Conscience: You’re only allowed to drive 100 km in the province where you live, at most 120 km on the national highway’s. Your a father which implies you have to be extremely cautious when you drive with your family. Which is most of the time. The important factors in choosing a vehicle would be safety, luxury and economic fuel consumption. Seeing that you botched up on #3, by driving a SUV, at least you’ve got the first two covered. You’ll never get a Ferrari. Accept it. Life is tough.
Me: I hate these discussions.
Conscience: What did you say, smarty pants?
Me: Nothing. Give me the body of a cover model that requires no maintenance. Ever.
Conscience: Are you serious? Let’s analyse this ridiculous request. You want…the body of a twenty year-old…cover model…who lives in the gym…only eat steak and grass…and probably are still looking for a life partner? Correct? Does my skin look blue to you? Do you think I’m a kind of genie? I don’t do miracles bro, so get your ass out of bed and do something about it yourself. And stop drinking wine. ‘Cause you’re just competing against yourself.
Me: So does this mean I don’t get anything for Father’s Day?
Conscience: Shame. Let’s face it, what gift would you buy for a Dad, who has everything already, huh? You have an amazing wife, the best kids in the world and friends to die for. You live in the most beautiful place on earth, your house aren’t to bad and your job allows you to travel the world. All your parents are still alive and happy. Besides, you blog as well. So what do YOU think?
Me: When you put it that way…I guess I’ll settle for breakfast in bed. I dare not ask for the ability to fly…
Conscience: That’s more like it. And about the flying thing, what do you call sitting in a plane? Now phone your wife and tell her you love her. And hug your kids, dammit. Jeez, this is exhausting.
Me: I don’t think I like you very much today.
Conscience: That’s fine, you’ll love me again tomorrow. You need me.
Me: Shut up.