You’re an idiot. And I mean this in the kindest way possible. But you are. A self-proclaimed, personification of everything that is stupid about humans. The missing link between primates and homo sapiens.
I’m surprised you haven’t been seriously injured by doing arbitraty stuff, like poking yourself in the eye with your toothbrush, or burning yourself with a toaster.
You’ve struck Brad Pitt in his face, as he was signing autographs at his wife’s movie premiere last night. (And maybe he needs one for dropping Jennifer Aniston like an f-bomb, but most of us have moved on with that) Mainly because his current wife is hotter. And a saint. But not saint as in Mother Theresa, whom, as far as we know, never wore her brother’s blood around her neck. (I’m just saying, how well do we really know Mother Theresa?)
Anyhow. Moving on.
My point is you’ve been busy. Doing bat-crazy things that would make the Joker seem sane. I mean you got slapped by Will Smith in 2012, for trying to kiss his wife. You charged onto the Grammy stage in 2013 just before Adele received her reward. You’ve hugged both Leonardo DiCaprio and Bradley Cooper around their knees. And then you’ve shoved your head up America Ferrara’s dress at the Cannes premiere of “How to Train Your Dragon 2” last week.
Are you f*cking kidding me? Are you for real? You give new meaning to the concept of stalking. By comparison, famous people would add members of the paparazzi to their Christmas card lists. By the way, are you wearing a disguise, because I’m not sure how you still manage to get within a 100 yards of any red carpet event? Who’s doing the security checks? Stevie Wonder?
But that’s not why I’m writing this letter. I’m trying to wrap my head around the reality of you actually executing the crazed fantasies you have roaming around in that free space in your skull. My dilemma is the following: What kind of criteria are you using when selecting your next victim?
Don’t you think you’ll earn a lot more street cred if you choose people who will react to your fanatical attention?
Like knee-hugging the Rock? Or trying to kiss HIS wife? That would make for seriously spectacular viewing, but I guess you’re probably not that crazy. Besides you don’t seem like the committed type who would risk their life for the sake of entertainment. (That is a dare, by the way…)
Maybe you should harass people who actually deserves to be harassed. Like Miley Cyrus. I mean she’s actually inviting people to look at her crotch. And with that tongue constantly sticking out, she might appreciate a slobbering kiss or two. That thing must be dirt-dry. Or what about Kanye West? He might even join you on stage, interrupting someone else getting an award. Then there’s Mel Gibson? Who is most probably too drunk to stand, and be more than happy to hug your knees.
Other possibilities include:
- Justin Bieber for being a dickhead. And giving us a step-by-step guide on how to do it perfectly.
- Kim Kardashian for being famous for doing nothing. And for marrying Kanye.
- Adam Sandler for still being allowed to make movies.
- Gwyneth Paltrow for being a condescending bitch.
- Nicki Menaj for being ridiculous and overrated at the same time.
- John Mayer for ignoring guy code, kissing and then telling everyone.
- And Kristen Stewart for destroying the art of acting.
Use it. Don’t use it.
In the end, I’m no fortune teller. I’m no medium of any sort. But I know that if you continue doing this kind of crazy shit, you’re gonna end up with an asshole as big as a small country, sharing a little room with your lover. With no view.
So whilst you still have a tight ass, and the right to roam free amongst the rest of us, harassing innocent people, please choose celebrities more deserving than the ones you have chosen thus far.
Leave the good guys and gals alone.