Once upon a time there was…Wait, this is no fairy tale.
It’s happening as I’m writing this. All across the Internet! And if we don’t stop the abuse of Facebook by these seven little men, we might never be able to safe the only means of communication future generations have left. I’ll be damned if I’ll allow that to happen. I’m blowing the whistle for my kids!
For the same thing happened to Snow White. She was a beautiful young girl who got chased into the big wide world and ended up being “saved” by seven dwarfs. But let’s face it, she was conned into becoming a maid, having to cook and clean and slave her way through life, in penance for not having to sit on her ass outside in the dirt. Waiting for Prince Charming to release her from slavery and take her away from those evil little *insert f-bomb*.
In the same way I’m going to save users of Facebook. For Facebook is not actually a bad thing. Mark created it as a place where people can communicate without actually communicating. I mean aren’t we happy that we don’t have to do what old people did and actually met up with one another and have a discussion! How convenient is it that we don’t have to do that shit anymore, right?
Anyhow, given the constraints of modern living, Facebook is a platform to connect, but it’s being taken over and abused by the seven dwarfs, in the way Mr Smith took over the Matrix. This is important information that will change your life, as it will prevent you from becoming a victim to the evil that’s lurking behind their big eyes and floppy hats.
First we have Doc. Mr Know-it-all. That person who’s always posting quotes and scriptures and kitten-invested-motivational pics as if it was their own creations. Always ready with advise, even if you didn’t ask for it. Telling you how to live your life, carrying their wisdom around like a mask or some weird impenetrable armour, because god forbid, anyone notices they’re also flawed humans.
Grumpy is the one who constantly torments our Facebook feed with posts on how much their life sucks. Spreading the worst articles they can find, telling us how much they hate this or that. Sharing bitterness and negativity with everyone. Rather than just keeping their mouth shut, sitting quietly in their own shackles of hopelessness and despair, they shout and scream like prisoners in a dungeon, even though the doors have been opened years ago. They prefer to bask in the shadow of darkness in spite of the million opportunities they receive to move into the light. Reminding us all of the poor unfortunate souls stuck in the garden of Ursula, the Sea-witch.
Happy is like Doc, but without the condescending tone. They’re not preachy, they are just annoyingly happy. Always posting about the great things that happen in their life. Seeing greatness in the mediocrity of having breakfast or finding a pair of shoes in some weird shade of military green. Don’t get me wrong, this is the best of the seven, but no-one can be THAT chirpy and cheery every minute of every hour of every day, unless you have an unlimited supply of Prozac.
“Sleepy is always tired and appears laconic in most situations.” as per Wikipedia. In other words. Boring. And they actually want to share the nothingness that takes up most of their day. Posting mind-blowing revelations like “I’m going to bed” or “I can’t sleep” would be considered trademark highlights of their exciting lives.
Bashful is the shyest of the dwarfs, but actually fakes that aspect of his existence. They’re actually the exact opposite and extremely sly, wanting constant attention. Preying on the innocent like a cruel parasite. Attaching itself to a host and sucking them dry. Always hinting about events occurring in their lives, never divulging full information. Tempting the rest to ask questions and pry the information out of them piece by piece. Posting comments like “I’ can’t believe this happened to me…” They are clearly defined with the three little dots, after EVERY post they make.
Sneezy is the one who is always sick or needs urgent attention. Very similar to Grumpy, so not to be confused with the life of the party. Finding other ingenious ways to become the talk of the town, the one feeding of everyone’s good nature and genuine concern. A big, fat, self-pitying addict, craving a hit, which consist of a mixture of sympathy and attention, given to them by the victims who fell into their trap of self-loathing and hypochondriac-ness.
Dopey is the stupid people who doesn’t know what the intended purpose of Facebook was, drawn as the one without a
life beard. They flood our activity page with senseless games and other ridiculous requests for all kinds of useless (cr)apps that were allowed to infiltrate and ruin a once favoured social network of mine. To use the words of Walt Disney: “Dopey’s nice, but sort of silly”.
I know there are still a lot of Snow White’s on Facebook. Ordinary people who connect and enjoy posting photo’s and oddities about their lives. But let this be a warning to everyone. Let’s hope this post will ensure extermination of every single one of the seven dwarfs hiding on Facebook.
Must admit, I think it’s gonna be impossible to achieve 100% eradication and in the end we’ll probably just do what Snow White did; and that is to fake death and wait for Prince Charming.
And that’s why I’m on WordPress whilst the rest of my family is on Facebook. I’ve been saved.