Here we go. The next five lessons and/or bits of advise for my children in the wake of me turning forty in eight days. Eight days people!! It’s almost less than a week. Where’s that frigging brown paper bag. Breath…in…Breath…out…Breath in…Breath out…
21. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Pick your battles. Don’t take life too seriously. Or however you would like to define not to be worried about small useless things, like being stuck in traffic (unless you’re driving your 8 cm dilated wife to the hospital!) or not having chicken on a plane. Relax, life might be spiteful in the small things, but the rewards in the bigger things are HUGE. Just open your eyes and use the right focal lenses, for then you will see the treasures shining like the Sun, as seen from any place in the Southern hemisphere in summer.
22. Except your body. All the imperfections. Those crooked teeth that needs braces, sorry Son, that’s a gift from Dad. That slightly bigger nose and poor eyesight, sorry Princess, that’s all Mom. Our genetic codes combined might have resulted in spectacular little people, but certain faults slipped through the cracks. So unless you have one eye, three legs (down boy), or blue reptile skin, then you don’t really have a problem. Relax. (see point 21). Each person on earth has a body part that they hate. But think about this… If everyone had the perfect body then millions of plastic surgeons would be without work. And their families without food and shelter. The car industry would have fallen flat for they would no longer need a scantily clad woman sitting on a bonnet to sell the Volkswagen. And that would destroy several of the third world countries we know today. Hollywood would have to start making realistic movies and several rich bitches behind the big cosmetic houses of the world wouldn’t be able to afford the caviar and French champagne they consume daily. Then there’s death and a loss of taxes. We shouldn’t be selfish. We should consider these people. They need ugly. They need imperfections. They need us.
23. Study your asses off. Yes, I know you’re skipping past this one. It was inevitable, it’s an ancient truth that no scholar ever believes. Ironically once you’re stuck behind a counter at McDonald’s at the age of forty three with two kids at home, crying for food, then yes, then only do people consider the importance of this valuable life lesson.
24. Don’t let any man treat you like a piece of shit. I understand this might be applicable to Princess, but Son, heads up… If any prick whom is fortunate enough to end up in a relationship with you, treats you worse than I did, two words: Dump him. Quickly. For you are worthy of the highest level of adoration from any man. You’re a unique being, the brightest light, a precious orchid blooming proudly in a pasture of common lilies. Expect nothing less from a man. And if he ever raises his hands, so help me God I will place his manly parts in a electric pencil sharpener and press the button, with the biggest smile ever to appear on a human face.
25. Sing and dance whenever you can, and do it like no one’s watching. Do it often, anywhere, whether you might have the voice of a sick mocking jay, who only ever heard Kanye West, or the rhythm of a dog in heat. Just do it, for to dance and sing implies happiness. And people like to see happy. People are inspired by happy. People need happy. Be one of the shiny, happy people of our world.
Ah Dad signing out. For now that is…
PS – Only eight days left…shit!