You know those little cubicles going up and down transporting people in close proximity of one another. Some people call it lifts, other elevators. It’s a reality of placing people, who under normal circumstances, wouldn’t be seen dead with each other, in very close proximity for a few moments of their lives.
And no one talks in those sullen seconds, not even married couples dare raise their voices, (noted in some relationships it’s a blessing) as if there some rule about not making a sound when ascending or descending dizzying heights. It was even more evident whilst travelling in Dubai again, for the sheer height of the buildings make those moments a tad longer.
This made me think of ways to entertain whilst in those bizarre situations of modern human existence. Just imagine, a few years from now, someone invents an elevator to the moon.. Are we still just going to shut up and look down at our feet for the full trip? I say NO, so here is a few ways to break the ice. It might also result in a few broken legs, but if you can run fast, I’m sure you’ll be fine. Just check your medical cover as a precaution.
1. Fart. Aim for the silent but violent type so that no-one expects you to be the culprit. Then start focusing on the old lady in the corner. Don’t worry there will always be an old lady in an elevator. I think some of them live there.
2. When you get in, don’t turn around and look at the door. It’s exactly where it’s always been, nothing changed. The same crack still sits three inches from the floor, and the weird-looking dirt spot on the mirror still reminds you of an episode of Dexter. This time just stare at the rest of the people. See if you can catch someone’s eye. If you have zombie genes and can refrain from blinking, all the more entertaining.
3. When you get into the elevator, continue with your fictitious phone call with the hired killer, finalising the hit on your mother-in-law. It works a lot better in a foreign city where no one knows how much you actually love the old lady. Not to be confused with the old lady referenced in point 1.
4. Once you’re in, lean seductively against the wall. Release your best pervert imitation by licking your lips, rubbing your nipple, and the other crazy un-sexy stuff these people do. But aim all of your energy to the guy on your left. This is where speed and hoping the guy you picked is not a cage fighter will probably save your life.
5. Get in and repeat number 4, but this time look in the mirror whilst doing it. Love yourself, for if you don’t who else will?
6. Look real nervous, migrate to the back and start rambling random shit about being stuck in this damn thing for seven hours the day before and your knee operation doesn’t allow you to use the stairs. Then escalate your ramblings to poor maintenance, lack of safety standards, budgets cuts and profit maximization. You’ll probably have to wait until everyone has exited before getting a chance to leave as well,
7. Push all the buttons of the lift as you get in. It might be wise not to get into the lift as well once you’ve done it, but here speed will play another important role. If you can’t and you have to travel with some very annoyed people, take out your ventriloquist doll you were hiding in your pants. Oh, you don’t have one? Odd… Moving on.
8. Push floor 32 (assuming your entering a building with more than 32 floors) and when the doors open just stand right in front of the opened doors and don’t move. Once the doors close, press 32 again.
9. Get in, sit down and start chanting an ancient native Indian song. If you don’t know one, knowing I might be dealing with amateurs, just make funny noises. The effect will be the same.
10. Start talking to your imaginary friend, the 12-year old Boxing Kangaroo named Spot. Yes, you can talk about bed wetting if you really want too.
All this will be greatly enhanced if you can do it whilst dressed in a suit or other formal looking attire. So go out there, find a lift and have fun. To use the words of the Joker, not that we’re in any way connected: “Why so Serious?” Yes start with that…