50 shades of crap

My disgust of bad literature increased exponentially since I entered into the waters of words and stories on this site.  I have come to appreciate the ability some unpublished writers have at crafting a piece of written art that blows my mind and feeds my being.  In some cases giving me an hysterical outburst.  I therefore loathe people who sells millions of books containing utter crap.  And in the bottomless pit of disgraceful literature lies the atrocity that is 50 shades of Grey.  To even call it a novel would imply that I consider it amongst other writers who actually wrote something amazing.  The Great Writers will rise from the dead, hunt me down and kill me, if I dare call this a novel again.imagesCA0JYIDL

Do I consider myself an esteemed writer, one worthy of criticizing another’s effort? No I don’t, but I’m writing this because I can.  I only feel stupid for not realising sooner in life that success would reside in me writing down all my sexual fantasies in chronological order, without any consideration or effort to make it interesting.

I have discovered numerous successful novels from best seller lists.  Great trilogy’s loved by many people.  There’s the Millennium trilogy (Girl with the Dragon tattoo being the first one) and the Hunger Games trilogy.  I even enjoyed Harry Potter.  When people started talking about this book, I didn’t even think twice about NOT reading it.  How can 70 million people be wrong?  Well they can and they were.  Very wrong.

This book singlehandedly altered how I buy books.  I refuse to jump on a book wagon again, promoting the latest best seller, out of fear that I might end up at the bottom of a cliff with all my trust in other readers shattered beyond repair.  Again.

I read the book a few months ago, and it might seem odd as to why I suddenly explode with this less than flattering post on a book that not only is controversial in its subject matter, but loved by many.  (Excuse me readers.  It is PORN.  It is not controversial in its subject matter, it’s just PORN.)  And not even good porn. Eighties porn, when two characters appear on-screen with a real lame back story just as an excuse for having intercourse.  (At least that’s what my friends tell me…)

Anyhow, my rant was triggered by a headline that some studio is actually moving forward with making a movie and that they are now looking for two actors to play the leads.  WTF! Seriously?  Which right-minded A-list actors would even consider appearing in such tripe?  Do we really want to see Ryan Gosling or Emma Watson appearing in a high-end porn movie?  NO WE DON’T.  Because what else could the movie be based on?  The book is a collection of poorly described sex scenes, spaced between eating, showering, dinner parties,  work and descriptions of how Christian’s jeans fit him.  Nothing else happens!  And just to get to the minimum quota of pages, the writer (I want to be sick) adds page after page of text messages.

If I ever have to read the words “oh my”, “baby” or “my inner goddess” again I will have a fit of which I will never be able to recover.  They might as well switch of the machines.

Some people claim that it has generated positive awareness of sex, not seen since the seventies.  Great, as a man I’m all for that.  But why would you create a character that is so farfetched that it forces me to consider the Land of OZ as my next summer destination.  Seems less ridiculous.  The writer (I want to be sick again) stated that she based the books on some of her own fantasies.  Poor husband.  Christian Grey is the weakest written character since Barney the fucking Dinosaur.  This woman considered every known word that would compliment a man and then stuffed them all in a paragraph and BOOM! Christian Grey was born.   And then she tried to make him more human and sympathetic by adding a few bad ones.  A prostitute mother, kinky sex and a fear of anyone touching his chest.

And why does Ana Bella appear in this book again?  I thought she turned into a shining, super powered vampire who doesn’t consume human blood.  Didn’t the lady notice that her character was already used in another blood suckingly bad trilogy?  At least that one had some weird-looking cult wanting to kill them.  That’s an idea.  Kill them.  Both. Slowly.  (Maybe she did, I see there’s two more Greys out there.)

Have we become so lazy as an audience that a recipe for a good read would be:

1. Create superhero like character

2. Add insecure brown, stubborn girl

3. Let them have sex.

4. Let them eat.

5. Let them work.

6. Repeat steps 3-5 until you reach 500 pages.

7.  Let her walk out.

Because. That. is. what. happens. in. this. piece. of shit.  I am going to vomit now.  Excuse me.

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28 thoughts on “50 shades of crap

  1. lol one of my favourite books of all time is Atlas Shrugged. What I would consider quite the intellectual read. Yet I also enjoyed the 50 shades series. Why? Sometimes I want an easy read. These books were compelling, it was something that hadn’t really been done before (at least I had never read it anyway) and I enjoyed the simplicity of the story. I do admit the sex scenes became a bit ho hum after awhile but they were less crazy in the following 2 books. The story was more developed by then. As a new mum who was dog tired these were just what I needed at the time. There are plenty of books considered to be “high literature” that I’ve found so boring I’ve barely be able to get past the first few chapters. Oh and Satanic Verses which everyone raves about? Couldn’t get past the first few pages. It was nonsense…TO ME. My point being that we all have different taste and if it is published then at least enough people enjoyed it to make it worthwhile. Also, formula driven or not, the woman wrote a blockbuster and is now loaded. Perhaps we should be calling her clever. She tapped into a market that was ready for the taking.

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  2. Is it wrong that you have actually made me want to read it now to confirm its crapness? I also protest to reading books when people tell me I have to, actually this also applies to movies.Many are still disgusted that I refuse to watch Dirty Dancing….apparently this is worse than killing a dog to females aged 30-40.

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    • Yes it would be wrong and I ruined the ending already. Sorry….Only joking, and the bigger joke would be on me, as you will probably also end up enjoying it. Maybe it’s envy on my part?

      And Dirty Dancing? It’s the first movie my wife watched without parental consent, so yes not seeing it would be like not shaving your legs. It just needs to be done.

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    • lol I have to admit that Ioved Dirty Dancing and I’m 36. hehe I know what you mean though. I steered clear of the Hunger Games books for aaaaaages because they were so popular but finally read them (and loved them!). I’ve never read Harry Potter. Gasp!

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  3. I’ve never read it and, based on your review, I don’t think I will ever read it. But I have read bret Easton Ellis and Norman mailer. According to some people, that makes me mentally twisted. So perhaps I should read this porn, just so that I can feel normal, like 70m other people! 🙂

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    • I tried reading American Psycho from Bret Easton Ellis but my fragile mind, at the time, couldn’t finish it. Enjoyed THAT movie though. The only thing I can vaguely remember was the rat…It is the same book?

      I read Chris Carter which makes me a borderline serial killer according to the love of my life.

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  4. Hey why did you bring Barney into this?
    Read it, halfway through I was already bored. There is nothing in there but you know what. Deleted the e-book, I’d rather be reading mommy blogs because I like poop stories way better 😉

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  5. I love the fun and passion that came across in your writing on this one. I’ll admit that I read it but I did stop at the one and didn’t bother with the others. As for how this is considered a novel..The only thing holding you (as in one) from accomplishing great things is yourself. You’ll notice there are many idiots out there swimming in money and getting published and the reason is that they were too stupid to realize that their work is crap. While others spend so much time criticizing themselves to take they risk.

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  6. If I wanted to read good sex scenes, I would go online to some decent Writers who can actually put plot, character and red hot sex together.

    Of course, there are some DIRE writings there, too, so I HATE the fact that the Writers (note the capitalisation) who can indeed produce good stuff are still languishing and some person who others think can write end up with bestsellers.

    Couldn’t be bothered to read it.

    Too much hype.

    Harry Potter was fun, though, to respond to a previous commenter. And I loved the Life of Pi once I actually waded through the hype to download it.

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    • They say one can even SEE a few good scenes online, just saying.

      As mentioned I also enjoyed Harry Potter, and I would define this as an “easy read.” Fun and entertaining. At least the plot, characters and story didn’t seem to be slapped together on a Sunday afternoon, whilst bored.

      Thanks for popping in.

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  7. Buahahaha yes, I read part of this book because the man-child I was dating at the time sent me a shit tonne of free e-books on my kindle app and this was among them (a hint?) I couldn’t believe how awful the writing was, aside from the story itself. I’m mildly curious to see who they cast in these roles…

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