My disgust of bad literature increased exponentially since I entered into the waters of words and stories on this site. I have come to appreciate the ability some unpublished writers have at crafting a piece of written art that blows my mind and feeds my being. In some cases giving me an hysterical outburst. I therefore loathe people who sells millions of books containing utter crap. And in the bottomless pit of disgraceful literature lies the atrocity that is 50 shades of Grey. To even call it a novel would imply that I consider it amongst other writers who actually wrote something amazing. The Great Writers will rise from the dead, hunt me down and kill me, if I dare call this a novel again.
Do I consider myself an esteemed writer, one worthy of criticizing another’s effort? No I don’t, but I’m writing this because I can. I only feel stupid for not realising sooner in life that success would reside in me writing down all my sexual fantasies in chronological order, without any consideration or effort to make it interesting.
I have discovered numerous successful novels from best seller lists. Great trilogy’s loved by many people. There’s the Millennium trilogy (Girl with the Dragon tattoo being the first one) and the Hunger Games trilogy. I even enjoyed Harry Potter. When people started talking about this book, I didn’t even think twice about NOT reading it. How can 70 million people be wrong? Well they can and they were. Very wrong.
This book singlehandedly altered how I buy books. I refuse to jump on a book wagon again, promoting the latest best seller, out of fear that I might end up at the bottom of a cliff with all my trust in other readers shattered beyond repair. Again.
I read the book a few months ago, and it might seem odd as to why I suddenly explode with this less than flattering post on a book that not only is controversial in its subject matter, but loved by many. (Excuse me readers. It is PORN. It is not controversial in its subject matter, it’s just PORN.) And not even good porn. Eighties porn, when two characters appear on-screen with a real lame back story just as an excuse for having intercourse. (At least that’s what my friends tell me…)
Anyhow, my rant was triggered by a headline that some studio is actually moving forward with making a movie and that they are now looking for two actors to play the leads. WTF! Seriously? Which right-minded A-list actors would even consider appearing in such tripe? Do we really want to see Ryan Gosling or Emma Watson appearing in a high-end porn movie? NO WE DON’T. Because what else could the movie be based on? The book is a collection of poorly described sex scenes, spaced between eating, showering, dinner parties, work and descriptions of how Christian’s jeans fit him. Nothing else happens! And just to get to the minimum quota of pages, the writer (I want to be sick) adds page after page of text messages.
If I ever have to read the words “oh my”, “baby” or “my inner goddess” again I will have a fit of which I will never be able to recover. They might as well switch of the machines.
Some people claim that it has generated positive awareness of sex, not seen since the seventies. Great, as a man I’m all for that. But why would you create a character that is so farfetched that it forces me to consider the Land of OZ as my next summer destination. Seems less ridiculous. The writer (I want to be sick again) stated that she based the books on some of her own fantasies. Poor husband. Christian Grey is the weakest written character since Barney the fucking Dinosaur. This woman considered every known word that would compliment a man and then stuffed them all in a paragraph and BOOM! Christian Grey was born. And then she tried to make him more human and sympathetic by adding a few bad ones. A prostitute mother, kinky sex and a fear of anyone touching his chest.
And why does
Ana Bella appear in this book again? I thought she turned into a shining, super powered vampire who doesn’t consume human blood. Didn’t the lady notice that her character was already used in another blood suckingly bad trilogy? At least that one had some weird-looking cult wanting to kill them. That’s an idea. Kill them. Both. Slowly. (Maybe she did, I see there’s two more Greys out there.)
Have we become so lazy as an audience that a recipe for a good read would be:
1. Create superhero like character
2. Add insecure brown, stubborn girl
3. Let them have sex.
4. Let them eat.
5. Let them work.
6. Repeat steps 3-5 until you reach 500 pages.
7. Let her walk out.
Because. That. is. what. happens. in. this. piece. of shit. I am going to vomit now. Excuse me.