In most schools there are instances where boys and girls are separated based on their gender. Confused? I’m referring to physical education. In these vacuums of torture, little boys are forced to run around a sports field a hundred times until their tongues drag behind them. Your knees are red and scoffed because no human is suppose to crawl for 3 km. Then came the medicine balls, invented by Hitler as a soccer ball used in the concentration camps. Playing with these things implies throwing around 25 pound weights. As I barely had the upper body strength to carry my own head at the age of 10, catching these balls from hell was basically impossible.
And whilst I was feeling very sorry for myself during these physical excursions, I always wondered what the girls were doing. We never saw them on the field, and yes I was looking at girls when I was 10.
It has taken many hours of pondering and as a married man of
16 17 years I now have an understanding of what they were up to. It will blow your mind. The hinges of your paradigm will bend and break, freeing all your assumptions of woman and replacing them with a screwed reality of what I like to call the “Female Illuminati.”
This is a society of adult females teaching specific life skills to little girls across the globe, resulting in a very generic, but totally confusing, skill set. Here’s a few of their lessons exposed.
1. How to clean themselves in boiling water. Yes, the kind of temperature that you can pour into a cup, add a tea bag and some sugar and still leave on the bedside table for another 10 minutes to cool down. The kind of temperature that turns your skin red instantly, as that is what happens to a second degree burn. Temperatures that make woman say things like AAAAHHH and OOOOHHH, whilst lying back, relaxing with bubbles and salts and shit. And our reaction? Most probably, upon feeling the water with your toe: “Fuck! You can boil a lobster in here, man. Is the cold water tap not working?”
2. How to slap a man across the face, with such force and accuracy that it will dislocate their jaw and leave you convinced that she dipped her hand in the hottest jalapeno sauce in Mexico. There might always be a good reason for such a bitch-slap, but any man who had the misfortune of this happening would agree: It stings like shit. I mean what is wrong for calling out the biggest bitch in high school as having the personality of a pig? The resulting bitch-slap and consistent pain, that’s what. You will end up having to enforce ever single matter of fluid control you have in your body not to burst out in tears and cry from the pain. And all woman can do it. They will slap you silly.
3. How to tie a towel around their heads after washing their hair and not just walk around the house, but actually continue with normal activities like getting dressed, burping the baby and dishing out the to-do-list for the husband. And during all this time that towel sits like it was stitch to her head. How is that even possible? I thought only rural African woman knew how to stack 14 metres worth of crap on their heads, but alas it’s not the case. All men appreciate this skill as most of us have tried to do it ourselves. Throwing the towel over our wet hair, grabbing it in front, twisting it and then the throwback, only ending up with a heap of towel on the floor, that lies behind us laughing hysterically at our poor effort. The bastard!
4. How to invoke the silent treatment for days on end. Nuff said. A life streaming video feed with the mute button activated.
5. How to remember every single detail of every fight they ever had with you. And not only being able to recall the exact date and time of the quarrel, but also having the ability to paraphrase you. It’s due to the Dictaphone imprinted in their weird little heads. There is NO sense in arguing once they press that replay button. You might not remember actually saying it, but know this: You did. You used those. Exact. Words. The only problem with this reality is that woman normally quote you out of context; like some weird cult defending why they sacrifice dogs, by using three words printed in the Bible. Bottom line of this skill set is that you are screwed, and not in the good way, and if you argue, they will revert to lesson #4.
There is one thing they never got around to in those periods in school. Maybe time ran out but instead of rearranging the curriculum, these coaches of the Illuminati sent these poor woman out with one basic fundamental flaw. And that flaw is how to order food from any menu in less than 30 minutes.
But we got to love them for who else will? And we understand that they are not perfect, but rather complicated, emotional creatures, and that’s why they need men. 😉