Have you ever consciously thought what happens when you lose your temper? What changes occur in your body? In those moments when an incident pushes your patience/tolerance/frustration meter into crimson red. Those moments when the mercury not only reaches the top but actually cracks the glass as it spews out like a volcano.
I am extremely frustrated and moments ago I got a little bit to excited at a few subordinates not doing what they’re suppose to do, i.e. work. So I basically, just short of crapped on a few of them for being idiots and incompetent fools. I didn’t use those exact words, but considering how I am still shaking, I may have lost slightly more of my temper than I intended to.
Sometimes you can’t help it. Sometimes it’s important to rattle cages and not always be the nice guy. To let the Hulk peek through the normal façade. Work is work, and when it’s not done right, it’s wrong. Simple science. Competency 101.
The process of losing one’s temper happens instantaneous, even though you become aware of the build up. Like a crack in a dam wall, slowly spreading throughout the structure, growing like a tree, silent and fast until, in an instant, the wall gives way and a million gallons of water flood the town below, causing massive destruction.
I knew I was pissed off. For the thing they didn’t do is something I warned them about before. I also realised that the more excuses they were giving me, the angrier I became. I could hear it in my own voice as the decibels rose, I noticed my back becoming straight as I lifted myself of the chair, and I knew my hands were moving a lot more than usual. Blood flushed my face, and the redness filtered up through my neck. Then the one guy said something stupid and the anger that I kept under wraps suddenly exploded through my mouth. It wasn’t pretty. (In comparison The Hostel would be rated PG)
So the geyser in Yellow wood park blew its hot steam high in the air and the guys left my office wide-eyed, dumbfounded and maybe even a little bit impressed. Sitting alone at my desk, exhausted, I am now having to deal with what’s left of my temper. I am the one stuck looking for it, after spewing it across my office furniture. And every moment I spend looking for it, I end up feeling more and more embarrassed that I lost it in the first place.
Like a person attending an AA meeting, I want to stand up and say, My name is Pieter and it’s been 47 days since my last outburst. But I can’t, for I am back at one. “It is not worth it man,” my sponsor would say. Basically just when I started to think I was perfect, life cut me down to size…again….
Writing this blog has given me the opportunity to report and reflect on life in various emotional states and most of the posts were written whilst visiting my own private Never Neverland. I decided to go and retrieve some old friends. Whilst reading them again, I recaptured the emotion I had when I wrote them in the first place, I felt the positive energy that I spilled on the screen. And even though the emotion feels alien to me at the moment, I know that the person who wrote that, is the same person who now feels that he can murder all men on earth with his bare hands.
And then I made my choice. I choose to be the other guy, the happy one, the funny one, the friendly one, the loving-life one. I will break through the storm. I will raise my sails and let the wind of change blow straight and strong. I will exorcise the demons of anger and negativity and allow optimism and gratitude to flood my system once again. To open the window and allow some light to shine in the crevices of my disappointment. To put Hulk back in the box.
I will be smiling and laughing again, but more importantly apologize to those who might have taken offense to my behaviour in one of my weaker moments. Life will be great again…
Just give me a minute, ok maybe ten.