There once was a little princess, and even at a tender age her beauty was evident. Her blue eyes sparkled mischievously and a few freckles dotted her nose and cheeks. Her hair, the colour of wheat, long and vibrant. Her laughter filled everyone with joy. Some say she would grow up to be the most beautiful in all the land. It is predicted that young men (and some old farts), would come from far and wide to try to win her heart. Therefore the King will have to prepare himself, to protect the heart of his daughter from the pricks and idiots who would pursue it in years to come.
I know this for a fact because the little princess lives in my house.
Recently I met another dad who had the misfortune of having a dick of a son-in-law. I am using this anatomical reference, because the person I talked to, seemed to think that this was the only working part of the guy his princess was married to.
Based on this discussion, I decided that it was my obligation, as a loving father, to compile a guide for dating my daughter. It is more a set of rules (12 to be exact) to which all the prospective boys considering courting my daughter in future, should adhere to. She will read this and pass it on to her suitors when she turns 18.
“Yes my girl, 18, I was considering 21, but since you can drive at the before-mentioned age, I will allow some flexibility.”
In the mean time please study these rules to ensure that (1) You don’t end up with some a-hole (2) We will have fewer arguments about suitors and (3) I wouldn’t have to end up in jail for killing a deuchebag with my double-barreled shotgun.
I know it might be pre-mature as you are only ten, but my child, better late than never. If you follow these rules, you will live happily ever after. I promise…
Rule 1 – Whilst your in school, he will be in school.
Rule 2 – He needs to be a gentleman. Open doors for you, treat you with respect, pay for the meal, don’t kiss on ANY date, you know all that stuff.
Rule 3 – No tattoos. Or piercings. Or big golden chains. As this rule apply to you as well (except the golden chains), it is obvious that it will include any juvenile delinquent entering my premises. I don’t care if he has rockstar ambitions., bag it.
Rule 4 – If his pants is too low and I can see his underwear…Gone. If I can see SILK underwear…Gone. On his ass. Tell all of them to pull up them friggin pants, or wear a belt. It’s not that expensive.
Rule 5 – Dinner with me is compulsory, prior to any prospective date. It will be just me and him and steak and talking and a double barrelled shotgun. Doesn’t that sound like fun?
Rule 6 – Hair short, washed with no sideways wearing baseball cap. No beany. Because I said so.
Rule 7 – About the pants, I don’t wear skinny jeans so they don’t wear skinny jeans. See how that works? Also no slouching, cockiness or jokers allowed. Our house is not a Batman movie.
Rule 8 – And I am to be called sir. Or Captain Dredd. Whichever they feel more comfortable with. Tell them we will never become friends, as they are thieves, thugs stealing my little girls heart.
Rule 9 – I will judge/ approve any outfit you may wish to wear on any of your prospective dates. My approval will be based on one simple criteria: How difficult would it be to take off. To avoid you being frustrated by having to return to your room several times whilst approval is pending, visualise Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act when considering an outfit. Yes, in summer too.
Rule 10 – I appreciate that you might want to invite the “guy” for a swim in summer. That’s fine, know this: The only bathing costume you will be allowed to wear is those worn by the Olympic swimmers. It offers support, reduce resistance and enhance speed. What more do you want?
Rule 11 – Touching will be strictly controlled and kissing strictly prohibited. So help me…
Rule 12 – The man you choose must make your heart soar and your eyes smile. He must love you for who you are, allow you to be yourself, because you’re amazing. He must make you want to a better person. But above all he must love you more than I do. (Good luck with that!)
And if he breaks your heart, I am prepared to do jail time for murder. Just saying.