Guide for dating my daughter

There once was a little princess, and even at a tender age her beauty was evident.  Her blue eyes sparkled mischievously and a few freckles dotted her nose and cheeks.  Her hair, the colour of wheat, long and vibrant.  Her laughter filled everyone with joy.  Some say she would grow up to be the most beautiful in all the land.  It is predicted that young men (and some old farts), would come from far and wide to try to win her heart.  Therefore the King will have to prepare himself, to protect the heart of his daughter from the pricks and idiots who would pursue it in years to come.

I know this for a fact because the little princess lives in my house.

Recently I met another dad who had the misfortune of having a dick of a son-in-law.  I am using this anatomical reference, because the person I talked to, seemed to think that this was the only working part of the guy his princess was married to.

Based on this discussion, I decided that it was my obligation, as a loving father, to compile a guide for dating my daughter.  It is more a set of rules (12 to be exact) to which all the prospective boys considering courting my daughter in future, should adhere to.  She will read this and pass it on to her suitors when she turns 18.

“Yes my girl, 18, I was considering 21, but since you can drive at the before-mentioned age, I will allow some flexibility.”

In the mean time please study these rules to ensure that (1) You don’t end up with some a-hole (2) We will have fewer arguments about suitors and (3) I wouldn’t have to end up in jail for killing a deuchebag with my double-barreled shotgun.

I know it might be pre-mature as you are only ten, but my child, better late than never.  If you follow these rules, you will live happily ever after.  I promise…

Rule 1 – Whilst your in school, he will be in school.

Rule 2 – He needs to be a gentleman.  Open doors for you, treat you with respect, pay for the meal, don’t kiss on ANY date, you know all that stuff.

Rule 3 – No tattoos.  Or piercings.  Or big golden chains.  As this rule apply to you as well (except the golden chains), it is obvious that it will include any juvenile delinquent entering my premises.  I don’t care if he has rockstar ambitions., bag it.

Rule 4 – If his pants is too low and I can see his underwear…Gone.  If I can see SILK underwear…Gone.  On his ass.  Tell all of them to pull up them friggin pants, or wear a belt.  It’s not that expensive.

Rule 5 – Dinner with me is compulsory, prior to any prospective date.  It will be just me and him and steak and talking and a double barrelled shotgun.  Doesn’t that sound like fun?

Rule 6 – Hair short, washed with no sideways wearing baseball cap.  No beany.  Because I said so.

Rule 7 – About the pants, I don’t wear skinny jeans so they don’t wear skinny jeans.  See how that works?  Also no slouching, cockiness or jokers allowed.  Our house is not a Batman movie.

Rule 8 – And I am to be called sir.  Or Captain Dredd.  Whichever they feel more comfortable with.  Tell them we will never become friends, as they are thieves, thugs stealing my little girls heart.

Rule 9 – I will judge/ approve any outfit you may wish to wear on any of your prospective dates.  My approval will be based on one simple criteria:  How difficult would it be to take off.  To avoid you being frustrated by having to return to your room several times whilst approval is pending, visualise Whoopi Goldberg in Sister Act when considering an outfit.  Yes, in summer too.

Rule 10 – I appreciate that you might want to invite the “guy” for a swim in summer.  That’s fine, know this:  The only bathing costume you will be allowed to wear is those worn by the Olympic swimmers.  It offers support, reduce resistance and enhance speed.  What more do you want?

Rule 11 – Touching will be strictly controlled and kissing strictly prohibited.  So help me…

Rule 12 – The man you choose must make your heart soar and your eyes smile.  He must love you for who you are, allow you to be yourself, because you’re amazing.  He must make you want to a better person.  But above all he must love you more than I do. (Good luck with that!)

And if he breaks your heart, I am prepared to do jail time for murder.  Just saying.

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37 thoughts on “Guide for dating my daughter

  1. Reblogged this on Ah dad… and commented:

    I had a moment at a wedding recently where I realised that I might not be the only man in my daughter’s life in a few years to come. Some guy would become the pivot of her existence. The one she dreams about and the one she wants to sit next too in a movie. Fortunately she’s still young so I am still that guy. It reminded me of a post of mine, a while back in which I wrote down a few guidelines for prospective suitors. I though it fitting to repost it on my Ricochet Tuesday series.

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  2. This is fabulous!! I have just sent it to my 16yo son who has just started seeing a 15yo girl. He did have to go and spend time with girl’s Dad before he could take her to the movies. He does walk her to and open doors for her. Keep your standards and expectations high and if the lads are keen enough they will meet and hopefully exceed them. I love that the family of my son’s girlfriend truly love, value and respect her and they make it clear that anyone that wants to be involved with her needs to do the same.

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    • I want to say ‘fabulous’ as well. But I’m a dude. So I will stick to “That’s great!”

      And the reason for my excitement is based on the fact that you’ve just endorsed my belief that there are still some great young guys out there!!
      If it doesn’t work out with that other girl, ask your son whether he’ll wait a couple of years. (Approval subject tot dinner off course. *evil laugh* insert here)

      Thanks for commenting.

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  3. Yes you made me laugh while looking into our future!! I only have sons so want to make sure I get a lovely daughter in law, or two. I have made sure my boys love and respect women for the wonderful creatures that we are. His friends are the same, and have been delighted to see how lovely these young men are. Will let you know how the romance works out!

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  6. As a daughter that actually survived dating and got married too, I have to say I think your rules are pretty okay… Being a mom of a girl now too, I really think they are pretty good. Especially your very last sentence. I second that…

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    • I’m now writing a corresponding piece to go along with this. It would be the flip side of your rules. I will be teaching these rules to my sons so that they may date your daughter should he travel to S. Africa some day and just happen to meet her and fall in love.

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  9. We are going through this very issue right now. Our daughter has a boyfriend that wants to spend every waking moment with her (at least it seems so). He is a good boy, honors at school, star basketball player, clean cut and a Christian (who attends church weekly). I really couldn’t ask for a better boy -but, she is our baby. I told him, clearly, that she is to be treated like the princess she is!!!! It is so scary! I intend to print this and show it to both of the girls. I loved it so much -and laughed with joy!
    http://www.fiddledeedeebooks.wordpress.com

    Liked by 1 person

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  11. My birthday is on the thirteenth. May I add a rule nr 13? A very useful one? “13. Anyone talking about, referring to or looking for sympathy because of previously failed relationships, get lost. My daughter is not a cushion for sociopathic behaviour. If he demeans someone else, he will demean you. And by the way, you’re young. He is not supposed to have a list of exes.”

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  12. As a mother to 18 and 16 year old daughters, I discovered they have absolutely zero interest in dating the guys I would have picked out for them, and have chosen on their own. I have had to come to terms with the boys they have chosen with the understanding that they are still young, and a lot can change before we get to the I Dos.
    Great rules!

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