The newly weds.

I got a window seat because I love to fold my legs behind my ears in order to sit comfortably on a plane.  All the isle seats were taken and like every other flight I’ve taken in Australia, this one was packed too.  The couple took both seats next to mine.  Fortunately she chose the middle seat and being small and petite, I knew there wasn’t going to be a lot of in-flight wrestling about the arm rest.  That thing was mine, bitch!

They were attractive in an Abercrombie and Fitch kind of way.  All smug and groomed and pretty.  She wasn’t ugly either.  I have to admit, I wasn’t paying that much attention to them, as I was already halfway through Episode 5 of Stranger Things which, for those of you who is still living under a rock, is frigging awesome!  (You need to binge watch it today.  It will blow your mind and I want to adopt those kids.  Especially the chubby one.)  Geeks have never been so cool.  Well, present company excluded, off course.

Back to the couple.  Once we reached cruising altitude, I ignored the discomfort of the person behind me and moved my seat back as far as it could go, which was maybe one inch.  I got ready for some upside down me time. Only to have the rock on her finger blind me. I closed the window shutter and had to wait three minutes for my normal vision to return again.  It must have been a forty carat ring, and most probably fake.

Then I started noticing other things.  She was playing with her I-phone and not so much playing, as sliding through a thousand photos of her in a white wedding dress, keeping the phone at an angle so I could share in all of her glorious poses.  There was also excessive touching and smiling and cuddling and happiness that made me puke a little in my mouth. They should get a room, me thinks.  And then it hit me, newlyweds…

Like all newlyweds, she basically begged me to asked her about the wedding.  And being the kindhearted, courteous, friendly man that I am, I didn’t bother.

I also understood why she was so small, she was merely malnourished in order to fit into that damn dress. It’s probably also the reason why the dude had such a perfectly groomed beard. Damn show off. You have facial hair, I get it.

I got back to upside down and government conspiracies.

Moments later I felt a little pat on my shoulder, like a fairy farting in close proximity and low and behold it was the bride.  She nudged my attention towards an angry looking air hostess who was trying to get my attention. I was instructed to:

  • Switch off my laptop.
  • Place said item in overhead locker.
  • Open the window shutter.
  • Fold back my tray table and
  • Put my seat in the upright position in preparation for the landing.

For those of you who have not flown before, that is basically everything one has to do as a passenger on a descending plane of which I was blissfully unaware.  The show is that good!

I smiled sheepishly at the couple, blaming my lack of compliance to the captain’s instruction on Stranger Things. She suddenly became even more excited and as it turns out, she’s also a huge fan.  Of the show.  Not of me.  I’m not that famous.

Knowing she was a geek in the body of a Victoria Secret’s model, I asked her about the wedding.  She started babbling and I immediately regretted my decision to ask her in the first place.  They got married on the Saturday and were on their way to their honeymoon somewhere in the gold coast and blah…blah…blah.

I missed most of it and when she eventually came up for air, I bragged about the fact that I’ve been happily married for 20 years.  They seemed genuinely impressed.  I’m not sure why. I’m no model but I’m certainly pretty enough to find a wife, and more importantly, keep one.  Besides, I’ve been told I have a great personality that hides most of the awkward features of my face.

Maybe it’s because I look younger than I am and they couldn’t comprehend how a dashing young man like myself could be married for so long… I’m sticking with that.

I should have told them about my two teenage kids, as that would have certainly caused a minor explosion of their minds.  But they were already rushing off, hand in hand, or shall I say shoulder-in-shoulder to their next destination.  Not a care in the world. Wait till you have kids, I thought.

I’m kidding off course…Kids are a real blessing and they’re lovable and cute, especially when they’re sleeping.

Jokes aside, I love the institution of marriage, the public declaration a couple make proclaiming love and a life long commitment to one another. I can only hope that they end up half as happy as I am in my marriage, but seeing that he isn’t married to the angel I am, I doubt that very much…

And I really, really miss her, right about now…

A status report.

I’ve been dead tired for the most part. I’m blaming jetlag. But this time it’s been really bad. It’s the kind of exhaustion that make me believe that the zombie virus could actually exist. I conducted a meeting and drove myself to the airport without actually being aware of me doing it. I think, I passed out on the plane from Brisbane because I missed the meal service. Well, it’s not really a meal service, it’s more like a snack bar.

I was sitting next to a newly married couple and I know this because of the way she made me watch her wedding photos on her iPhone.  And there was a lot of touching and smiling and looking happy.  It was totally inappropriate and I reckon newly weds should have a separate section on a plane. She begged the question and I asked. They were on their honeymoon. Do you now understand the kind of shit I have to deal with when I travel internationally?

It was pissing down in Melbourne and I know thats kind of crude but was there a monsoon I wasn’t aware of? And it wasn’t humid, summer  rain, it was cold and miserable, like the kind you see in England. Every day.  People were hunched under umbrellas and thick raincoats.  I didn’t have either. So on my return to the hotel, I looked like one of those dogs from an SPCA commercial, before they got rescued.

I have to admit, I might have had the best lamb rack ever.

I saw a queue of guys sitting at the hotel, looking like they were there for a prostate exam.It turned out it was for an interview. So that’s basically the same thing.

I got an earlier flight to Sydney and there was no one in the queue through security.  That means I’m buying a lotto ticket because good luck comes in threes right?

I sat next to an elderly couple who could be the poster children for a happy retirement. I wanted to take a photo and post it to my bucket list.

I managed to catch some highlights (or would that be lowlights) of the presidential debate. It was watched by more than a 100 million people. WTF? Are there so many lonely people in the world?

Here’s a few thoughts:

  • Didn’t Trump know that it’s useless to interrupt a woman when she’s on a roll?
  • And I think he was sniffing so much because he was crying on the inside. 
  • And not paying tax is a crime, not proof of how smart you are.

At least South African might not be the only nation who has a president they’re embarrased about.

Kids take note, this is why it is important to prepare for important events. Otherwise you’ll only end up sniffing and interrupting your way through it…

Sydney is really cold tonight and like most seasoned travelers, I’m not remotely prepaired for it. I guess the wine will have to keep me warm.

See ya.

(PS – I apologize for the many typos as I’m writing this on my phone and you know what they say about big hands…

That guy needs big gloves…)

I’m down under

Where they love sheep, beer and winning against South Africa. I’m kidding…they never win against South Africa…

(And that caused a minor explosion.)

I’m in Sydney at the moment where a group of guys are shouting at one another in a friendly manner. They must all be deaf, or just have a dark desire to inform random strangers about their weekend. Or maybe they’re just drunk. We all know there is a direct correlation between the amount of alcohol and the volume of your voice.

I’m staying in Coogee beach and please don’t get me started on some of the names they give places down here..

I’m having steak which is priced at the value of a small house where I come from. Fortunately I’ve quit the habit of converting currency because if not, I would certainly starve to death. The guy singing in the corner just finished his set and is packing up. I’m not sure anyone else noticed.  It’s eight-o-clock on a Sunday night, so I reckon they’ll probably roll up the streets and switch of the lights soon.

I’ll be visiting Brisbane and Melbourne, so hopefully there will be some blog worthy events happening soon.

At least I have Twitter…

Ten reasons why parenting teens and parenting toddlers are exactly the same thing.

I’m half-way through the war and I’m happy to report that there’s only been a limited amount of injuries and no casualties.  One can only hope that the post-traumatic stress of the battles won’t cause excessive psychological damage in the long run.

The war I’m referring to is trying to get my spawn to migrate from kids to teenagers.  And I have two.  Don’t feel sorry for me, just send money.  And alcohol.

Seriously though, thus far they haven’t turned into the raging hormonal freaks so many other parents warned us about.  They’re merely two hormonal, moderately erratic, older versions of the loving kids that used to live in our house.  Two people trying to understand who they are, where they fit in and how to cope with life.  We pray that this journey of discovery ends in complete acceptance and unconditional self-love.

We’re blessed to have two of the most wonderful, unique and amazing people call us Mom and Dad.

Dude is simply awesome with the warmest personality and I’m happy to report that we share the same sense of humour. He still thinks it’s cool to go to gym with Dad.

Princess is absolutely stunning with a mind-blowing sense of responsibility and I’m happy to report that we share a taste in music.  She still thinks Dad is her superhero.

All three of us love Wife more than life itself and we’ll be the first to admit that our success at being human is because of her.

I felt it important to provide a status report for all the parents who still have to travel the treacherous road of raising teens. First off, you only need unlimited WiFi, loads of patience, the ability to say no (and stick with it) and a very good sense of humour.  The good news is that parenting teenagers is very similar to parenting toddlers, so that means you’re all qualified.

It’s also the bad news.

  1. They’re always hungry and will whine until they get fed. Fast food still works best, even if it doesn’t come with a toy.
  2. You still have to feed them even though they consider themselves not to be kids anymore.
  3. You still have to dress them, especially if they want to go out in public with you.
  4. You still have to clean up after them or offer money and they might do it themselves.
  5. You still have to remind them about the importance of taking a bath, especially on a Saturday.
  6. They still won’t listen to everything you say, mainly because they’re stuck with headphones most of the time.  (They normally react very quickly when you throw something at them.)
  7. You still have to manage awkward mood swings and irrational outburst of emotion, especially when you use the demon word “No”.
  8. You still have to decipher their ability to communicate, as they’re using words you wouldn’t understand, irrespective of how hip you might think you are.
  9. You still have weird aromas wafting from their rooms, mainly composed of creams, cologne, lunch boxes and farts.
  10. You still have to listen to their music, which fortunately doesn’t include that annoying, frigging Barney-song.

I’ve been tweeting

A love to laugh as much as anyone who isn’t walking around with a stick up their arse.  (Ass for my American speaking friends and buttocks for the rest of you.)  Just because I can.Prentresultaat vir twitter

So some of you might have been wondering where I’ve been lately and I’m grateful to be missed.  For those who haven’t even noticed my absence from this blog, please fake a feeling in order to spare mine…

Besides the fact that I was out of town, or more like out of the country, I was tweeting.  It’s my latest addiction and just to prove to all of you, that I’m not lying, I’ve decided to post fifteen of my Twitter-ations over here.  (I also create words on a good day.)

I trust some of these will make you smile but hopefully there is at least one that will make you pee, even if it’s just a little.  It’s a few random (hopefully funny) thoughts of me living life.

There you have it folks.  This might be some of my best work.  (And that might be the saddest or greatest thing I’ve ever said about myself.)  Feel free to follow me on Twitter if your keen on reading more about the randomness of life, especially considering the fact that I also retweet a few other dark, twisted and hilarious folk.

See, I’m a nice guy, ask my mom.

 

Laugh with me #48

I know this is cheating but I’ve been busy.  With work.  Hahahahaha.  I kill me.

I’ve actually been happily tweeting for the last few days and discovered a whole new way of wasting time. I promise, I am working on a decent post for you.

Seeing that I’m sitting at an airport, again, this guy reminds me of me when I travel.  Not so much the falling but the excessive luggage begging for a disaster to happen.

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And due to some constraints on certain airlines, I’m also not allowed to take a cooler with me.

Asta la vista babies!!

Laugh with me #47

Woman use retail therapy almost as much as men would like to use the lie-on-the-couch-watching-sport-and-bitch-bring-me-a-beer-therapy.  The latter never happens because most female dogs have not learnt how to open a fridge.  Or crack a can.

And men would never expect the love of our lives to be our beck-and-call and bring us any kind of alcoholic beverage because they didn’t get married to serve our lazy asses.  Unless you might find yourself in the close proximity of the general kitchen area and you love me and you think o…uh love…uh…wait now…let’s talk about it…please put that down.

Let me rather get back to shopping…Our couch is not really all that comfortable.

The eagerness of finding a bargain may lead to extensive property damage, a severe crushed ego, some other minor injuries and hysterical, unstoppable laughter.

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The owner might end up having to fire this window cleaner for a job too well done.